How important is sexual chemistry

[HeartbrokeAndHeadsore]

I'm really hoping for some gentle advice because I'm in such a tizzy about my marriage. Warning - it's a bit long.

The background is, I always considered myself a lesbian, came out at 18, had a few girlfriends before and after that. Then at 19 I broke up with my girlfriend of over a year, and was feeling quite hurt and insecure.

Things got quite flirty with a male friend who shared my uni accommodation. It was reassuring, flattering, and frankly I find the other person's reactions to me quite a turn-on, so it didn't really seem to matter that he was male and so not attractive to me in the same way as a woman might be. Things progressed, my affection and love for him grew, and he treated me incredibly well. We have always been very close, very open with each other, we share similar views and goals. We got married a few years later when we were 23, and had two children. I'm now in my mid thirties. There have been some tough times, both children have SN and we've both had MH issues over the years, and we've come out of those times with a stronger relationship.

But...
Over covid my anxiety became a big problem again, and then I started feeling depressed again. I'm suddenly finding myself reassessing who I am and what I want. I've realised sex is, while technically good as DH is generous and knows my body really well, not about the heady enjoyment of sharing bodies that I remember from women. I still love DH very much, but I'm questioning whether I was ever in love with him. And if so, does it matter? The wondering itself is making me feel distant from DH, and I can't bring myself to let him touch me, sexually, though I still enjoy affectionate, non-sexual cuddles. He was away for a couple of days and was clingy and missing me and I just thought, why would you miss me, it's two days?! He says he knows he is in love with me because when he's away from me it feels like a part of him is missing. I don't feel that, and I'm not sure I ever did, really. Perhaps I changed a wonderful friend into a lover when I shouldn't have? Or maybe I'm misremembering the early days through my current confusion, and all relationships get more... companiony as years go by?

But does it matter? Is what we have enough, if I can get back into sex with him? God I feel so awful.

Desperate hopeful bump? I could really do with some advice. Counsellor is helpful to have someone to talk to but just keeps telling me to listen to my feelings, which is not helping.

I will reply, however, I was still organising my thoughts! But surely love can take many forms, can't it?

Thank you, Catallus. Yes, that's true. And I do love him. It's just whether that's enough, I suppose. Do all relationships lose the in love feeling anyway?

He just feels so... male atm. Smells wrong, feels wrong. But it's been fine for 15 years, why now? Wtf is wrong with me?!

All relationships wax and wane. Times are tough with young kids. I've been through similar but it was never enough to throw away the stable home for my children. Try to schedule some low pressure time together eg weekend away. Have sex.

Do you normally get out of the house more and see different people? Have you during covid?

I think that lockdowns and wfh have changed sexual chemistry a bit due to not seeing other adults before coming home to your spouse.

If we are getting back to normal, maybe just relax for a bit and see if it is just covid.

I think love feels different to different people. You don’t have to feel the same way as him.
Perhaps your relationship is just coming to a natural end, from your side.
I would also ask how old you are, because some of the things you are describing sound like peri menopause.

I don’t know, I’m really not sure if this will help.

I was the opposite to you in my twenties, while you were settling, I was out there falling in ‘love’ over and over, really limerant experiences then the crash after. I met my husband who was much more steady and sensible and got married. I kind of reached a conclusion then that love, true love, isn’t that limerant feeling, it’s more steady and just safe.

My husband didn’t have my experience before meeting me, and had an affair. Really limerant stuff, he was in love, this was the stuff of novels.

And then it ended. And it was nothing. She was hideous, a complete narcissist and he had wrecked our family for nothing.

He has a much better understanding of love now, we both do, we recognise love as a verb, actions we do every day, we roll eyes around the ‘in love’ stuff. Don’t get me wrong I know I’ll be flayed by long term couples saying but we’re ‘in love’, and that’s great but I honestly think that heady feeling is driven by pair bonding at the beginning of a relationship.

In my opinion you have a lovely husband who clearly dotes on you and the children. Your marriage isn’t your issue but your depression. I’d get some individual counselling just to reframe what you have.

I'm sorry I took so long to reply. I'm in hard lockdown in NZ, in a small house, so no thinking space.

First I will be presumptuous and say that you must have felt some sexual attraction to your DH. No amount of generosity and technical excellence in the bedroom can replace basic attraction.

Second, perhaps you should beware of thinking that your anxiety is showing you your authentic self. It could actually be doing the opposite.

I agree with what others have said above and I will add this:

I've been married for 20 years and my relationship with DW has become reliable and companiable. We've had some awful times. We have a different sort of love to 20 years ago but I'd be a fool to say it wasn't love, even though the 'in love' feeling isn't there now. There have also been times when she has also felt .. wrong, but often that was when we weren't having sex. I know it's hardly the same as I've never felt same-sex orientation but the solution has always been just to have sex, and the connection returns.

About the clingyness, if I'm away from DW for a couple of days (or even, on some occasions, weeks) I don't pine for her. I this is entirely normal, and doesn't indicate that I don't love her. DW does start pining. I think all that means is that I have to be mindful of her feelings and not bruise them.

I also totally agree that love is a verb (like the Massive Attack song!)

@rattlemehearties Have sex with him is easier said than done atm. I snuggled up to him this morning and he said something about finding my presence arousing and I literally fled. Couldn't get out of there fast enough.

@MinesAPintOfTea I don't normally see many people, no, by choice. I've actually been taking more time to see a friend since covid, never really prioritised me time before, but feeling more like me and less like mum/wife seems to have been part of the cause of this.

@GoodnightGrandma I'm 35, so not likely perimenopausal. That is a good point about love feeling different for different people.

@Tiredofbs I appreciate what you're saying, and that's what I always thought. But I'm questioning it now. It maybe feels like a "settle" too far. I've missed women for years, if I'm honest, but always ignored it. This almost feels like a last chance, while I'm young enough. Of course, no guarantee I'd meet anyone anyway. I am in counselling. What exactly do you mean reframe what I have?

@Catullus5 Would your advice change if I hadn't felt proper sexual attraction for my dh? I do see exactly what you mean about companionship in ltr. It's a fear, that I could leave dh and find someone else, then the whole thing ends up just as companionship again and I've hurt everyone for no reason. Does it matter, then, if all relationships end up like that, if I missed the in love feeling at the beginning with dh? Possibly not.

You only get one life, OP.

You only get one life @category12 but the grass isn't always greener on the other side, not worth upsetting your child's childhood because you're just rubbing along alright with your partner rather than having wild passionate sex.

Or you know, living a lie because you're actually a lesbian.

Because He just feels so... male atm. Smells wrong, feels wrong. and wanting to flee when your partner suggests they're getting turned on are not normal "in a rut" relationship feelings to have, IMO. OP is actually feeling repulsed by him, not bored, not apathetic, not it's alright but could be better, but actually repulsed. And that's not fair on her to expect her to try to have sex and get over it, and it's not fair on him either.

I have no advice as such but a couple of observations...

Sex in a long term relationship is, for most people, not the same as sex when you were late teens / early twenties and had no responsibilities, worries or sleep deprivation. Some people say they still can't keep their hands off their partner after 10 years, but for a lot of people, their relationship changes over time. Their love becomes more comfortable, less dramatic etc. That doesnt mean they aren't right for each other.

Also different people feel differently in a relationship. I've never felt like part of me is missing when I'm apart from anyone, I'm just generally happy in my own company and self sufficient. And I can never imagine feeling like that. Maybe I've not found that level of love, but more likely that's just the way I am and would be with anyone, at least eventually.

Not wanting to have sex may mean there is an issue. It may be that you have grown apart and need to reconnect. It may mean you are overwhelmed with life and other shit. It may mean you are feeling respentful towards him about other aspects of your relationship. It may be the effects of lockdowns and seeing someone every single day. You need to try and get to the bottom as to why before deciding what to do. But I'm not sure if you lived with a woman that you really fancied, and saw them every day, and were looking after kids with issues, and you had covid anxiety etc etc that you'd still be gagging to sleep with them

If a man posted this and said he always thought he was gay and then described the way the relationship came about with his wife and then said he was thinking about the heady enjoyment of sharing bodies with men then the responses would be very different.

Most people would say he was gay and it wasn't fair on his wife at all to live a lie and not to waste more years of her life.

@HeartbrokeAndHeadsore

If you've felt no sexual attraction at all to your DH ever then I would worry that eventually you'd be unable to keep your feelings in and you'd stray, and probably cause a lot of chaos in the process.

I knew a couple this happened to. After over two decades of marriage the wife ran off with another woman. It was awful. But I reckon you're in a better position than her because I don't think she'd acknowledged her orientation until it just got too much for her.

If you felt some sexual attraction (but not 'proper', which I take to mean 'enough') then I would still worry about that but not to the same extent. I think it's possible for a loving relationship to exist without sex, it's just much more difficult if one or both partners still have a sex drive.

I think this is where your counsellor's recommendation that you listen to your feelings is useful - if you can work out the specific area where you need to listen to your feelings, and work out whether they're what you just feel now or whether it's what you always felt.

I'm afraid that's not a very helpful answer, but I'm conscious that I can't quite place myself in your shoes with this one except that I think if I were in your DH's position I would start to get confused and worry about what was going on if you weren't talking about it.

On your other point: I think the 'in love' feeling is important for getting a relationship going, and they provide affirming memories for when the relationship is no longer young. But if you and he created an enduring relationship without this step on your part I don't see a major problem on that point. I know there are couples who keep that 'in love' feeling for many years but I reckon they're very rare.

For me the 'in love' feeling was waay more than just sexual - in fact it was sort of separate - but I guess different people feel it in different ways. It would be nice to feel it again, but tbh I think that's a bit of a dangerous thought for me.

That in love feeling is always at the beginning of a relationship… it doesn’t last.. with anyone! Real love us deeper, and about respect.. do you want to continue with your husband? You can go and explore your sexuality and that is fine, but will you feel the same about said person, years down the line? Love is an action and if you don’t want to do it you don’t have too.BUT it could feel the same with a women eventually?

@HeartbrokeAndHeadsore "He just feels so... male atm. Smells wrong, feels wrong. But it's been fine for 15 years, why now? Wtf is wrong with me?!"

I think for all sorts of reasons you slipped into a very comfy and happy relationship and continued. However, probably suppressed your sexual preferences somewhat amid making do (pretty happily). They are now resurfacing.

Lots of people "put up" with a lack of sex or poor sex but in the end, a lack of genuine intimacy does eventually kill a relationship and results in more friendship status. Intimacy is the glue that binds you so you can see the risk of the direction you are going in. It is somewhat raw and animalistic but I start to feel edgy if we haven't had sex for a while and I need to hold him and feel him in me and cum in me...with the post event cuddle up. Not having that is awful and will be for him.

If you tell him..well huge risk as it could go in a direction you don't want but feeling like you do will end up there anyway. Tough one for you and maybe you are not yet ready to decide?