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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Long distance relationship

19 replies

ErinAoife · 15/08/2021 21:15

I have meet someone, we are getting on well but he lives 4/5 hours drive from me. We both have kids, both one under 10 which means there is no way one of us will relocate until kids are older. All his past relationship were long distance. For me first one since my divorce.

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Original poster

ErinAoife · 15/08/2021 21:16

Anyone in the same situation? How do you manage.?

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BunnyRuddington · 15/08/2021 21:20

I'd be concerned about why all of his previous relationships have been long distance.

Personally I'd get out now before you get too attached, with young DC and the distance it doesn't seem like a goer.

Original poster

ErinAoife · 15/08/2021 21:43

His wife was a foreigner they have three kids and they grow apart. Shortly after their break up, he met someone else which was 4 hours drive, it last 2 years, his reason for break up was that she was too much hard work, too demanding and interfering a lot in his relationship with his kids and ex wife so he dumped her and had another relationship this time a bit closer only 1.5 hours drive but it said it did not work out as nothing in commun only last a few months and now me. We get on well we have the same passion for cycling he is nice, seem to be a good father, post a lot of pictures with him and the kids when outing but I have noticed he only started posting them when we got together, never done it before so I don’t know if he is putting a show for me, I also get the impression that his wife is not over the relationship which is bothering me a bit. It is my first relationship since my divorce and we have so much in commun

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Original poster

ErinAoife · 15/08/2021 21:59

Any one has positive experience of long distance relationship?

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Skater123 · 15/08/2021 22:12

I’m in a long distance relationship, also 4-5 hours and have been for almost three years, It’s difficult when you both have homes, jobs, children etc and are at the point of discussing how we move things forward.

Original poster

ErinAoife · 15/08/2021 22:20

Thanks Skater. I am wondering how it will turn out when we are going to introduce the kids to each other, his younger daughter is the same age than mine, I know it won't happen in the near future but I would like to hear about people with have experience of it.

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RantyAunty · 15/08/2021 22:22

This really is a huge red flag. speaking from experience.

It usually means commitment issues/ emotionally distant. It's very easy to hide bad habits in long distance.

Some people enjoy the idea of an intense holiday fantasy relationship and then they can go back and live their own life and not worry about anyone else. They're not that interested in giving or compromising for someone else.

His marriage and other longish relationship seem to match that too.
There are plenty of guys who are nice and like cycling much much closer to you.

Skater123 · 15/08/2021 22:25

My partner’s children are adults and mine are younger. Although they’ve met we haven’t broached the subject of moving closer or him moving here with the children as I don’t want to unsettle them. That will be our sticking point.

Original poster

ErinAoife · 15/08/2021 22:34

It is very hard to meet someone, like i said my first relationship in 4 years since my divorce so I am a bit reluctant to give him up as I do really like him he was with his wife 25 years so he did commit, mind you she is the the one that seems to have make sacrifice in her relationship. I feel sorry for her.

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Skater123 · 15/08/2021 22:38

My partner was also with his wife for over 20 years. I think if it’s meant to be it will be.

RantyAunty · 15/08/2021 22:54

In what ways did she make sacrifices?

Original poster

ErinAoife · 15/08/2021 23:56

She is the one that moved from her country to be with him and she is stuck here with no family around as he has refused to let her moved back to her home country with the younger kid, the elders ones are late teens and early twenties. I can understand that he did not want the kids to move abroad but it must be very hard for her to be on her own, he describe her to me as being a quiet person, shy and admit that his first girlfriend was interfering too much and he did not realise how manipulative she was and as a result his ex wife has suffered enormously and even tried to kill herself. He is not proud of that. At least he is upfront.

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RantyAunty · 16/08/2021 00:08

Oh dear.
This is just one honking huge red flag.
Cruel and controlling to ex to the point she tried to kill herself.
First relationship in 4 years.
His honesty is to test how much crap you'll put up with.
I've been through this. Moved country. Stuck here. Turned out to be a covert narcissist.
I would not go forward with this.

Original poster

ErinAoife · 16/08/2021 00:22

Thanks RantyAunty, I am having doubt about the relationship, my friends like him, he is nice to me but the fact that he only seems to go for woman who lives far away is really bothering me now. I was trying to get reassurance that a long distance relationship can work but it doesn’t seem the case based on all the comments, no one seems to have a good positive experience.

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BunnyRuddington · 16/08/2021 06:54

Ranty has put it far more eloquently than I ever could. Also agree that the honesty is just there to test your boundaries.

Like others have said, there will be men living closer to you who like cycling, please choose one of those instead OP

MrsBellamy · 16/08/2021 08:01

I have a similar situation, although it wasn't and still isn't easy. That said we were both each other's first long distance relationship and both first relationship after divorce.

My DP lived 3 hours drive from me, so almost half the distance of yours. He has his DC EOW and at least half of all school holidays. So was able to relocate without too much trouble.

It's been hard, our diesel bill is our most expensive outgoing after housing costs.
He is also self employed so able to take every second Friday off to allow the 6 hour round trip to collect the DC and bring them home.

It's hard not having his help with housework every other weekend especially since when his DC leave the house is a mess from overcrowding and the washing is piled high from having 6 people all weekend (or longer during holidays) as he is spending the entire day dropping them off.

We won't ever have any children together because we already have 2 each from previous relationships and I know if we did I would have to do a lot of it myself as he would be with his first DC on important days like first day of school etc. And childish though it is I am jealous sometimes that his ex has children with him and I don't (and I always thought I'd have just one more baby)

All that said I wouldn't change it, he is lovely and treats me well, is great with the kids and we are very much in love, so sacrifices are worth it. We have been together for 3 years now.

Original poster

ErinAoife · 16/08/2021 15:42

Thks for the positive experience.

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WhatMattersMost · 16/08/2021 15:49

@ErinAoife

A pattern typical of an avoidant personality. If you're okay with that, then great - he is who he is. If you're not, then don't hold out in the hope he'll change because he won't.

Original poster

ErinAoife · 16/08/2021 16:09

I know the thing is a long distance relationship suit me fine at the moment as I will find hard to be with someone all the time, I only see him when my kids are at their dad so 1 weekend every two weeks. I won't be introducing the kids until we are at least a year in the relationship if I decide to pursuit it, between two minds at the moment. He is great so will be a pity but I do take on board all your comments about him having a avoidance personality.

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