My BIL is an emotional cripple, MIL has put him first AS USUAL and dh is VERY upset GAH!!!!!!

[Moomin]

BIL and dh are completely chalk and cheese: BIL is emotionally bereft and very eccentric and probably the most selfish person I've ever come across in my life. Dh is loving, sensitive and he and his mum get on brilliantly. HOWEVER, BIL always gets preferential treatment (IMO) from their parents as he acts completely dumb and useless all the time so they rally round and organise his life for him. Therefore he is a lazy f*cker who takes advantage of everyone and I'm actually pretty sure he doesn't feel much for anyone at all (except maybe his kids, although he is far from a hands-on dad and his wife is basically a slave).

DH and his brother actually had a fall-out in the summer over BIL and SIL's relationship which was very rocky at the time. We sided with SIL, and BIL was furious and ranted at us both so we asked him to leave our house. Apparently this has greatly offended him and he will not contact dh at all now. Usually dh has been the one to run after his brother a bit and has always kind-of hero-worshipped him since they were kids (although god knows why). DH decided this time to leave it in BIL's court and wondered how long it would take his brother to get in touch. And that was 5 months ago....

For Christmas we asked the PILs if they would like to come to us or, if they were going to invite BIL and family, we'd all go to them (decided we'd be fine spending xmas with Mr Shit-for-brains as the kids and the grandparents would love it).

But then MIL rang tonight and said the BIL and SIL are going to theirs for CHristmas but apparently we're not now!!! She said they'll see us another day instead. She did apologise, but said that BIL was a bit skint and they probably wouldn't afford to do a nice christmas for their kids (as in food) if they didn't got to the PILs. So we've 'uninvited' just in case BIL gets upset or changes his mind and won't leave the house christmas day, thus ruining it for his kids who love their grandparents and cousins.

WTF?? How does that work then? DH has now said tonight that this has upset him more than anything. He has to face up to the fact that 1) his own brother doesn't care two shits about him 2) his MIL is too weak to stand up to BIL and tell him some home truths.

Sorry for the rant... isn't it all a bit shit though???

Moomin

Very poor, does your MIL realise what she is doing, or is she completely blind to it all?

OK first, BIL does not sound like a very fabulous person! However...

Your DH has to decide whether he wants to be in contact with this guy or whether he would be happy never to speak to him ever again and have a family rift. I say this because my father fell out with his brother about 12 years ago and now his brother is on the brink of death. My father has been informed of this, however, he has chosen to ignore it. Your DH's decision will have to involve consideration of your DCs and their relationship with thier aunty, uncle and cousins.

Anyway, the fact remains that BIL seems not to be able to behave like a normal person and MIL and SIL have to compensate for this (feel sorry for them!). If your DH wishes to regain contact with BIL, the way to do it looks like using MIL as a mediator and her talking BIL round. Also, looks like your DH will have to back down, not saying he is wrong, but I know people like your BIL!!! and if you decide the relationship is worth pursuing then you will have to back down even though you may not be in the wrong.

Now BIL is clearly self centered but in a person of that age, it isn't going to change. MIL (and SIL) are pandering to him, but it would seem that this is the only way they are able to keep his life on an even keel so they are not necessarily doing the wrong thing.