I'm so conflicted about my long term relationship and have been for a few months.
We've been together for 15 years. I have DD from a previous relationship and we have DS 11. There has been external factors like his family major illnesses, COVID pandemic, job worries. But I always loved him and knew deep down he loved me. Until this year.
I feel completely out of love with him and gritting my teeth and like it's unbearable to stay quite a lot of the time. But when for example we went for a 3 day break together recently or we have sex or cuddle, I do feel love.
Cons -
He speaks to me with contempt A LOT. Sometimes sneering or snappy. He is not kind to me at all. It's never outright 'abuse' if you see what I mean, but it's the sort of way of talking or tone that if your friend spoke to you like that then you wouldn't be friends with them. He is dismissive. I stand up to him and he turns it on me, rarely admits it, there's always an excuse why he can speak to me like that in his eyes. He's exactly the same way with his mother. This only started (with me) about 2-4 years ago and just gets worse to the point I can't stand it.
Even the Kids comment on how he speaks to me.
He is less responsible with money etc than me. I have to do more of the drudgery than him.
He has always been controlling over our son. Used to threaten if we split he'd take him but recent years he hasn't. But he still acts like he is the only parent, tries to make unilateral decisions.
He won't communicate. You'll never really get anything out of him or any resolution to arguments. This has been since the start.
He has grown a boorish and OTT inflexible side as he ages and I find myself rolling my eyes a lot as he holds forth his opinions. The DC are embarrassed by some of his opinions.
Pros -
He makes me laugh at times.
He is still affectionate towards me ,(not just sexual) when we are alone, in bed, watching TV etc. It's such a difference from how he actually speaks to me. Sex still happens. Still attraction.
We share the same hobbies and do quite a lot together.
I know he loves me in his own way, but it's not proper love where I'm valued and he's kind.
I just cannot take the contemptuous way he speaks to me and dismisses most of what I say anymore.
I also resent him because I feel trapped cause of DS. I work more hours and anti social hours than him and this can't be changed (low paid work not qualified for anything else), so he would have a claim to being main carer and he has a big family home his parents nearby, it's possible he'd get 50/50 (spoke to solicitor who said 50/50 likely outcome after fighting in court) and he would demand more, so I feel like I cannot split even if I wanted to. I love and am close to my DS there's no way I feel I can start the battle that would be even trying to get 50/50 if we split. We don't earn much and he'd 'deign' to allow him to come to mine 2 days a week or something and I'd have to fight in court. So I stay.
He won't change. I know that enough by now. I'm only mid 30s still (he's mid 40s) and I feel like I'm wasting my life.