Gossiping friend

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

Does anyone else have a big mouth friend who can't keep anything to themselves? Have you ever heard anything youve told them in confidence being parrotted back by someone else?

I've been out with friends today, and previously I had told one of the friends a comment a mutual friend made about big groups meeting up during Covid (this wasn't told in confidence as this person was very opinionated on Covid itself). I asked her to not mention it to anyone as I didn't but want other people knowing this, yet I overheard her today telling one of our other friends in a hushed voice whilst I was walking 2 metres behind .

Has this happened to anyone before, how would you handle it?

Are you asking if someone ever re-gossiped my gossip? Probably.

I usually just stand by my gossip. I said it. It's true. Guilty as charged. It gets repeated. Whatever. Just own it.
But, as I get older, I just don't talk about other people's business that much anymore.

I was raised by a hard-core gossip, so it took decades for me to stop.

I handle it by being open - so for example when I had cancer I was just open about it because i'd rather be upfront and tell people myself than people talk about it behind my back. If I didn't want anyone to know about my cancer I wouldn't have told anyone. Once it's out, it's out, so to speak you can't really control other people gossiping.

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders I think it was a mix between me ranting about the brass neck of her retelling the gossip metres away from me and also, asking how people deal with this when it happens.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer

It's fine! It's gone now. Didn't mean to derail the thread was just using it as an example.

There's gossip and gossip.

Example one: gossiping about an argument that happened in public on a night out/in front of a group of friends. Not ideal, but human nature.

Example two: gossiping about something sensitive you were told in confidence. I have a family member (by marriage!) who does this. Truly awful behaviour.

I had a 'friend' who repeated all my personal business. I only found out when I got an anonymous email from someone telling me what this friend was telling her - and others. For once in my life I grew a pair and told my 'friend' to do one. I am so grateful to the person who told me what was happening

So she re-gossiped your gossip.

I’m not sure what you mean by ‘how would you handle it?’.

You didn’t need to tell her about the comment in the first place, she didn’t need to repeat it, you’re as bad as each other.

This is exactly why I don't do friends.

You know she's a blabbermouth so don't tell her anything you don't want repeating.

Once I know that someone finds it hard to keep things to themselves I don’t tell them things in confidence any more. It’s not a friendship breaker usually; just a trait you learn to recognise.

Whoever gossips to you gossips about you. Just remember that.

You didn’t need to tell her about the comment in the first place, she didn’t need to repeat it, you’re as bad as each other

I think this ^^ unless there was good reason for you sharing in the first place

@fustyoldface yes, she talks a lot about other people (nothing bad, just gossip), and tells me a lot of her personal things too so it's not even like she's keeping her cards close to her chest and sharing everyone else's information...

Yes. I have recently stopped contact with a woman like this. She literally CANNOT keep anything to herself, used to tell me all kinds of things that she’d been sworn to secrecy about by other people! I didn’t want to know and feel it is unfair and unkind. Dreadful woman

So, you gossiped to her and that's fine... But she gossiped to someone else and that's not okay 😂

I am very circumspect about what I tell people. i am guilty of cultivating office gossips as friends because they can be useful for knowing who is leaving etc., but I am pretty secretive about anything that matters so I don't tell them much.

I have one lovely friend who is completely, ridiculously open about her own life, I therefore tell her little as she does not see it as gossiping, just talking.

You can't deal with it after it has happened, you have to be cautious in advance. But the thing you say this person repeated sounds quite minor, so maybe they just didn't see it as a secret?

@Balonzette

So, you gossiped to her and that's fine... But she gossiped to someone else and that's not okay 😂

indeed

@Fustyoldface

Whoever gossips to you gossips about you. Just remember that.

Precisely this!

So you were gossiping about another person to your friend who then repeated the gossip.

If you don't want things repeating don't tell anyone anything

I don’t gossip and I steer well clear of them. I have a friend who I trust with my life, anything I tell her in confidence will go to the grave with her and vice versa. As a PP said, if they’re gossiping to you about someone, they’ll be doing the same about you.

If I don’t want something being repeated I don’t tell anyone (probably except to DP, and that’s more to mull something over). Once you have shared information it is out of your hands. You can’t dictate how people will interpret or share your information because it’s not just your information any more.

I think as it isn't your business she's gossiped about you can't get on your high horse as you've done the same in telling her. Next time just don't be loose lipped around her. Most of us are guilty of this at times. I try to go by "your friend who is not friend shouldn't know my business" and even if they are a friend if they needed to know I'd tell them myself. Generally the gossipy types don't have a lot to say about themselves or much going on in their own lives.

Avoid gossiping. Do unto others and all that. I wouldn't want people gossiping about me, and so I don't gossip about others.

I'm very careful who I talk to about sensitive stuff regarding me and my loved ones, as well. There are people I know who I enjoy spending time with but would never confide something personal because they couldn't resist passing it on. Not unkindly, just they feel the need to tell someone.

It's quite amusing really that people will tell one trusted friend 'I shouldn't be telling you this but I trust you not to pass it on...' and that friend tells one trusted friend 'This is absolutely confidential but I'm only tell you and I know you won't say anything'. They then tell their OH 'I shouldn't say anything but so and so told me....' and so on.

I used to work with a man who carried out gossiping tests - he'd make up a rumour and tell 2 or 3 people in our large company, then see how long it took to get back to our department.