EXH on a dangerous downward spiral and damaging my children

[Namechange567890]

Please bear with me for this….I really need some advice.
With EXH for 16 years, 2 x DS (late teens) he’s always been depressed but towards the end of the marriage it manifested in violence, threats to his own life and cheating. We’ve been divorced 6 years and in this time he has gone further downhill. Rewind 10 years and he was the perfect father, big respected member of the community, great husband, until his drinking took over which made his depression even worse leading to the above problems.
Over the years he left a very successful job and set up a new business, remained close with the children but nothing like the man he once was…his drinking and poor behaviour led to the children walking in on him with other women, taking substances while I was away and the children finding him and having to call emergency services as they thought he had died, numerous breakdowns when he has made it clear he wants to end his life. Despite our split and his appalling behaviour throughout every incident I’ve been there for him, offering help, organising support groups, speaking with family members etc, I’ve never once drawn a line with him as ultimately I want him well and happy for the children’s sake. That was until today….I’ve been told by my DS that him and his dad went out for a drink last night (my youngest DS lives with me but I was away for the night, he’s late teens so fully responsible) the night out culminated in my EXH and DS going back to someone’s house they had met in a bar…my EXH passed out on the bed and my DS covered him up and watched him as he said he thought he had been ‘spiked’ the people in the house then started to take drugs and asked my DS how much he had in his bank account and got him to take money out….all while his father was passed out on the bed. He eventually came round and they left, my DS told me this morning and acknowledged it was an awful situation and one he shouldn’t have been put in. To say I’m fuming is an understatement….I don’t know what else I can do, this man is on self destruct and is damaging my children along the way. The responsibility the children feel for their father is overwhelming and misplaced, can anyone please offer some advise on what do you?!
Ps…oldest at uni and youngest hopefully going in September (pending clearing) which fixes the main problem of them being around him, youngest currently works with him while waiting for confirmation of his place.

Your kids are old enough to say no, to cut contact. You can support in them in understanding that they are not responsible for him.

How much money did DS lose? I am guessing the doesn't want to tell his dad in case that gets used an excuse for more shite behaviour.

Step completely out of that situation. No contact whatsoever. You cannot fix him. Your children fix him. Dangerous and dangerous people involved. You can care about him but you cannot fix him or make a safety net for him. It has massive implications for the well being of your children. Move away If you have to.

Thankyou, thankyou so much…my initial feelings are to block him from all communication and use all the energy I would have spent on him channeling support for my children instead. I cannot be responsible or feel guilty anymore, I’m disgusted by him, as soon as my youngest gets a uni place I’m moving away 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Suggest Al Anon for support for your DC, and that as you’ve decided, to focus all your energy on helping them.

Including to help them understand the pressures they’re under and risks to them, eg ‘fear, obligation and guilt’ towards the addict.

Correction...your children cannot fix him

The eldest is old enough to contact the police and give details re extortion if they placed him under pressure to withdraw money.

That's is just so awful for your son. It sounds like you have the type of relationship where you can tell you ex that he's crossed the line for you and you're stepping away from helping him and emotionally and you'd think he should advise his kids to do the same. What a horrible memory to have of your own dad.

You need to cut ex off and say to the adults you raised they now need to make their own choice but you will not be involved again

Your adult child did not have to go to the pub or back to someone’s house etc

@2021V2

You need to cut ex off and say to the adults you raised they now need to make their own choice but you will not be involved again

Your adult child did not have to go to the pub or back to someone’s house etc

I agree although I do think he feels like he has a responsibility to ‘keep an eye’ on his dad due to previous issues, this is what breaks my heart the most, they’re both constantly on edge waiting for him to do something

@Dozer

Suggest Al Anon for support for your DC, and that as you’ve decided, to focus all your energy on helping them.

Including to help them understand the pressures they’re under and risks to them, eg ‘fear, obligation and guilt’ towards the addict.

Thankyou, we’ve contacted Al anon before for support for them, I’ll be looking at other support systems for them also

That is an awful situation. But if your children feel responsible for their alcoholic Dad, they should NOT be drinking with him (in a pub or anywhere else).

We had an alcoholic in the family (until it killed him) and he would do anything possible to offer us a drink " Congrats on your new job/ degree /engagement." etc... any excuse to open a bottle /buy a round.

It's very hard to refuse a toast to yourself from your loved relative but we just had to.

Your kids have seen you overstep boundaries and remain enmeshed with their dad so it’s no wonder they mirror that. You’re the parent they can model without going into self destruct. So it’s great you’re drawing back and drawing the line - hopefully this will help your boys do the same.

Not having a go at you - what an impossible situation and you’ve obviously got broad shoulders and a strong moral sense.

@Namechange567890

Thankyou, thankyou so much…my initial feelings are to block him from all communication and use all the energy I would have spent on him channeling support for my children instead. I cannot be responsible or feel guilty anymore, I’m disgusted by him, as soon as my youngest gets a uni place I’m moving away 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Exactly this. Redirect your energy

@AtrociousCircumstance

Your kids have seen you overstep boundaries and remain enmeshed with their dad so it’s no wonder they mirror that. You’re the parent they can model without going into self destruct. So it’s great you’re drawing back and drawing the line - hopefully this will help your boys do the same.

Not having a go at you - what an impossible situation and you’ve obviously got broad shoulders and a strong moral sense.

That makes a lot of sense…they’ve seen me allowing it when I thought I was supporting. It’s gone on for so long now that me vocally and strongly cutting him off cannot backfire if he does do something stupid, I’ve really, really tried, we all have but clearly enabled in the process. I’m going to take my youngest out for dinner tomorrow night and explain he cannot drink with his dad as another poster said he will drink at any excuse.

Your DS's are now both adults as they are over 18;you no longer need to facilitate a relationship with their father.It's up to them to decide the level of contact they want although I suspect living away at university will help with this.

You need to go N/C with your ex.Unless it's literally a matter of life or death/an emergency with your DS's that you both need to be present for then you no longer need to have anything to do with him.

You ended your marriage to get away from him but you haven't been able to fully walk away because you're a good mum who's tried to ensure her kids still had a relationship with their dad.

You've been beyond kind,patient and understanding to this man who doesn't deserve it.It's time to concentrate on you and your DS's.

@thenewduchessofhastings

Your DS's are now both adults as they are over 18;you no longer need to facilitate a relationship with their father.It's up to them to decide the level of contact they want although I suspect living away at university will help with this.

You need to go N/C with your ex.Unless it's literally a matter of life or death/an emergency with your DS's that you both need to be present for then you no longer need to have anything to do with him.

You ended your marriage to get away from him but you haven't been able to fully walk away because you're a good mum who's tried to ensure her kids still had a relationship with their dad.

You've been beyond kind,patient and understanding to this man who doesn't deserve it.It's time to concentrate on you and your DS's.

Thankyou so much…absolutely what I needed to hear xxx All the advice on here has been invaluable and so appreciated. This isn’t something I can share with many people in my real life so to receive support and really helpful advice is amazing. Appreciate you all ❤️❤️

As bad as it sounds, sometimes the adult kids of alcoholics just need to go through this part to come out the other side. I do agree with a pp who said there's an element of them mirroring your enmeshment with their father. I did it myself for years. A lot of it is about acceptance. Putting yourself around the alcoholic means more chance of gathering the crumbs of attention they can offer you. The crumbs are minuscule obviously but they can mean so much to a child or young adult. It's a fucked up dynamic and not one you have caused, and you can't fix it. I'd get the dcs to try ala-teen if they aren't too old, it focuses more on being the child of an alcoholic.

you need to go NC with him OP, he is not your problem.

I hope your children are both going to universities far away to get away from him (?), and you can move away nearer your children and not your ex?