Wondering if anyone has any perspective, insight into whether I'm in the wrong. If I am, tell me, cuz I'd rather not be. I'm getting more and more depressed and confused over this; it's really affecting me but am told I should not be upset at all, and that I am in the wrong.
Short synopsis for context: over the past few years I've realized just how my life experiences, especially when young, really shaped what I should expect from people and relationships. Not in a blame way; just trying to understand myself, so as to protect my heart, body, soul.
I put up with a lot of mean behavior from people. Most of this has been through friendships and mostly with women. Accepting cruel behavior and mean things said to me, mostly cuz I feel I must deserve it and it's the only kind of friends I'll ever deserve or get. I dated once, and it wasn't good at all, was starting to become physically abusive; I left. This was years ago. Have never pursued dating cuz I'm ugly, don't have the things in life people want, and I do not believe anybody would ever love me for me or show me love, only hurt and abuse and derision.
Have had zero positive role models, for relationships, I've realized. Thought it was normal. Real dad was violent, abusive, tried to kill my mom; mom left. Nothing is ever discussed in family. Anything to do with your body is hush-hush, just go to a dr if sick, get pills, but never talk about it. Mom has had a semi-abusive bf for many years. If he doesn't hit you or try to kill you, it means he's good, I've always thought. Women too. Mom puts up with a bunch of stuff and her health and mental health has been trash. Again, never saw this when young. Mom has like literally one friend. Us kids were never encouraged to date, have friends. I isolated severely most my life. Do not know how to have relationships. Also 100% believe the older I get that all humans are abusive and love is a fairy tale, so I've made peace with being alone forever. I will never let another human near my body especially, nor my heart. And no, I'm no better, I suck too.
Anyway, I've had trauma in my life. According to experts it is why jerks gravitate towards me. I gave up trying to make friends past few years. Stopped being friends with some ladies who were very, very cruel, even saying I'm a fool cuz my kindness is weakness so I got what I deserved by them.
Creepy, usually old, men say creepy shit to me, like very disturbing. Therapist I had said I need to stop wearing shirts with cartoons on them cuz I'm just drawing those pedophile-y men to me. And that if I heal my trauma they will leave me alone. I mean anywhere I go...the bus, the store, a walk, anywhere. Further reason I will never try to date ever in life; I'm broken and only very disturbing, hurtful, mean, creepy men will talk to me, and 75% of time only very cruel women. I was told I put off a vibe cuz of my trauma so only pedophile-y people will want me. 
further proof I will be alone forever. Yes very lonely. Would rather die lonely than go by any humans ever again in life. Humanity is disgusting, abusive.
Anyway, was told it is prejudice of me to be scared of men. Cuz not all men are bad. Which I understand! But even as friends, that's prejudice. Well I've tried having 3 male friends over a few years. They knew up front, just friends, wasn't interested. 1 faded away, but I couldn't be around his anger issues. Another ended up saying if he couldn't touch me to never come back and was violent but said he was allowed to hurt me and me nor anyone could do anything about it cuz I cut myself and I would get sent to the hospital and locked up but I should let him hurt me cuz you are not allowed to hurt yourself but other people can. So I never did go back. Even my therapist said that's true...if I hurt myself I will get locked up. But if I go to this guy to literally hurt me, they can't do anything. And this guy said he would deny it anyway or that I wanted it, even if didn't. So I said well next time I wanna cut, I guess I can go find some psycho to hurt me and he will be celebrated. I hate society. This guy even said he was mad that it's always up to the women (about touching). I said that's cuz we aren't forcing or wanting you to do stuff you don't want to do!!! He didn't understand.
Another I've been confused about. Knew I wasn't interested. Ended up saying he was in love with me. Would never hurt me, that's not an issue. But keeps asking me to touch me and why can't I love him, and it's not fair cuz he won't hurt me wants to love me and I'm being mean. I said thanks for thinking highly of me, but the answer is no, will always be no, I'm not obligated to let me touch you, I don't love you like that, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm not gonna be your friend if you can't accept that. He was VERY mean with his words. Said I'm incapable of love. Nobody else would love me. I'm throwing true love away. I'm making him seem like a monster and abuser (when I told him I know you wouldn't force me but stop asking). Weeks later he apologized, said I did nothing wrong and that he was just mad he couldn't get what he wanted (my body). I said ok thanks for saying that. Stopped talking to him as much. Was around him recently, and same thing. And he was mad that I told a family member about all this (cuz I'm trying to figure out how to be nice and maybe I'm doing something wrong). I said so I can't tell anyone anything? I said I didn't say you were some monster, I said I don't know if it's good for me, nor him, if we're friends cuz he keeps asking every so often to touch me and to be with him and that he is only trying to show love so he is not mean and won't hit me or hurt me, but he just eventually gets upset cuz can't have me, and I get upset and triggered and say no, which then mean things are said to me.
I even told him, listen, we can't be friends if you can't accept you can't have me like that. He says yes, I'm right, but then does the same things later. Listen, I don't dress provocatively, or even pretty, or anything around him. I recently told him I'm staying away and we have to go our separate ways cuz it's too upsetting for him not to have and it's too upsetting me keep having to say no and then get an onslaught of hate. He even recently said cuz I said no he was gonna purposely spread very bad rumors about me to where I will never want to leave my door. I was floored. I've already had some ladies past year very cruel to me, and semi-similar thing cuz I'm not willing to do some things with my body. So between covid, and people being very cruel, and never had lots friends anyway, I literally never leave. Eventually food runs out but that's the only time I leave. Trying to lose extra fat anyway. Been told by men and women that I am not pretty. Have had people tell me that the only reason anyone is around me sometimes is cuz I'm nice and do what I'm told. In early 20s I literally had a Dr say "you're gonna have a hard time in life cuz you're not that smart and not that pretty, but you listen pretty good and generally do what you're told." I took it to heart then. And I do believe it; everyone has told me.
Anyway, am I in the wrong for not wanting to be this guy's friend? He's not mean, he wouldn't ever hit me or hold me down etc. I feel I deserve to be treated bad by people, but I'm not willing to put up with it, so if it's my punishment by God, God will havta hurt me Himself.
Am I being mean to this guy? I feel it's not cuz that's my body, and I don't love him at all like that. But I feel guilty and bad. And I'm never trying to make any other friends in life again. It's all my fault anyway. Cuz I'm broken. Even for years therapists said I need to fix myself, not try and get friends, and definitely no dating. So I never did. And I'm not allowed to bring up anything others have done or do cuz I'm the one subconsciously attracting not-great people around me. But not EVERYTHING is my fault??? I fully understand I'm no perfect person. I guess broken girls are meant to hide away from society, wait to die. Nobody wants to be around ugly, stupid, broken girls. If psycho people go after you, too bad, own fault. At the same time I don't want to be mean to anyone. It could be my fault. I guess I'm supposed to just keep it quiet. This shit never ends, ever since I was small. I just pray to God I get covid and die. Even some girls said nobody likes me, I'm kinda strange, and everyone where I live hopes I'm the first to die here of covid. I said, good, I hope I do die. Don't worry, I"m not suicidal. Yes, I do hope I get the covid and die, it'd free me from being imprisoned in a shit, hell body, on a shit, hell planet, with a shit, hell species. I wish I was 80 and life definately close to done, but I'm not that old yet. I just ignore self and kill time all day everyday. Literally don't talk to anyone except in passing to a store, say hi.
Is it ok and not mean to just not be this guy's friend anymore? He will come to my place saying sorry and he will just be friends, not ask me for more, and he was sorry etc. However 3 times it didn't work like that, he kept asking I said no...then him being mad. I am now kinda worried he's gonna go spread rumors and I had someone do this to me before and they weren't even true for one thing, but people were wishing I would die. I am no good person--don't get me wrong. I was truly born evil and if I die and God says I have to go to hell I won't argue with Him, though would rather just have my soul obliterated forever to prevent evil. I don't like evil. Though in therapies if you don't like something that means you've got it. So in honesty I must be abusive and evil and awful too, which I'm sorry for, and I give myself severe punishments for it. And believe me I do try and work really hard to be good, I swear; I'd rather be on the Good team. But I'm not.
Anyway, I intend to just not be this guy's friend anymore. Was I in the wrong? I've apologized lots of times for hurting him and that I never meant to.
I've concluded your body is not yours, it's society's and other people's. So I'm making it sick and ugly and letting it deteriorate and have been, and keeping away from humans. That's MY body. Apparantly not and people get enraged about it, regular people even professionals. And over my dead body is any human ever going near my body again, no joke! Hopefully the masks and social distancing last forever cuz it's not safe around humans. I literally am disgusted to be apart of the human race, I'm sorry. No offense to any awesome humans which I'm sure there are few somewhere. Until I can literally read minds, I want no part; it is not safe, good, or loving to have your heart or body by any humans (nor trusting my own self).
Is this how most relationships, friends or otherwise, are? Anyone I've ever observed or known it seems to be. Either physical or other abuse. It has to be I deserve it, even when young. And any harm to me is always about what did I do to attract it or make it happen.
That's ok to not be this guy's friend? I don't care if he wanted to treat me like the best princess ever; I do not love him like that and do NOT want to be touched. I don't understand why that makes me bad, but it might. I'm planning on staying away. Don't need friends like that. But is that mean and petty to not be friends with someone for that? He gets hurt. He says I'm saying that he is an abusive monster. No I didn't. But I still don't want to be his girl or be touched and I'm not ever going to love him like that, and I"m really starting to think I can't be friends with him either, but that's kinda mean and I said sorry about it but it's true. All the humans hate me anyway, so I guess if they think I'm even more shit, oh well??? Should I just let him "love" me and touch cuz I owe him and that I suck so bad that's the best I could get and nobody will ever love me like him, he said? I don't want to. Would rather get cancer! He thinks I'm just not honoring my true feelings about loving him. NO that is NOT it. I just can't stop crying. I can't wait til my soul is no longer imprisoned in a body or on earth, that's what keeps me going is knowing some day it will be over. Doesn't matter; I don't care anymore. I do not want to negatively affect others either! If I owe an apology more, I will. However then I'm further keeping away from others. Prob gonna be in lockdowns again come fall/winter anyway, I expect.
Thanks for reading, sorry if too long.