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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How best to go NC with father, permanently.

13 replies

namechangeandNC · 15/08/2021 11:53

I want to go totally NC with my father. I need advice how. I've had good advice from here before about a situation so I'm here again

I don't want to go into lots of detail. I'm not going to "drip feed" later. I'm just going to pick a few salient facts for a little bit of background. Due to my father and his family, I am under a complex mental health team with severe life long MH issues as a result of things that have happened so I am sure people can understand why I don't give 'the worse' details.

So a few points about him
-hes been jailed for fraud and theft. It was very public, in the news and absolutely abhorrent the way he went about it.
-stolen money was used to pay for my school and uni fees. I was implicated in the news, I was contacted by the police and threatened with arrest if I didn't give up all my bank details to them (obviously I was oblivious to the fact the money was there and I was not to blame etc but for a young woman to be contacted and investigated in such a way at the time was very traumatic).

He blamed the reason he did these things and commited these crimes on having ptsd (undiagnosed) from an event that he witnessed eight years AFTER he had committed the fraud. Obviously the judge called him out on this and said it's literally impossible and sentenced him. He won't admit he lied to me.

-ive lost a child and the way he behaved was absolutely diabolical. My DH and I were both deeply hurt. It was at this point that I cut most contact. He's never met one of my children and I've not seen him in about 3 years. I plan to never see him again.

He is a narcissist, and a psychopath (this has been confirmed to me by my own psychiatrist. Obviously he can't diagnose someone else without seeing them but he said to me based on what I've said, he would likely agree with me that he is both of these things).

Those two things are the only things I can bring myself to mention, there are many more, worse things.

He texts me and I every so often reply with a one word answer. Usually after several weeks have passed. I sometimes never reply to something. Recently I have replied to absolutely nothing.

He has had cancer and surgery. I've replied to no messages before or after. He has just messaged me again. So he doesn't ever get the hint that I don't wish to talk. I feel that due to his own mental health and psychopath tendancies he doesn't have the ability to read into the fact I don't want a relationship, when I am making it very very obvious.

How do I sort this out?

In the past I have told him that I don't forgive what he has done and as he has never apologised to me, I never will. But nothing ever seems to register with him.

What's best to do. I really and truly would like to never hear from him again.

OP posts:
namechangeandNC · 15/08/2021 11:55

Also - I have absolutely no way of predicting what he would do if I told him I didn't ever want to see him again.

I thankfully don't live anywhere near him and he can't drive, but I don't know if he would try to see me and my children, and if he would put any of us at risk.

He does know where we live but he doesn't know where either of my children attend school or nursery, so from that point of view I am able to keep them safe but I just don't know if he would appear at my house or not.

OP posts:
Katrinawaves · 15/08/2021 12:00

You don’t need to make any big announcement that you don’t want to see him again. Just block his number on your mobile and landline if you have one. Then you won’t even receive his messages and have to give them headspace.

Bonniegirlie · 15/08/2021 12:00

Just block his number on your phone then you won't get his messages. Otherwise just ignore him, he'll get the hint

namechangeandNC · 15/08/2021 12:02

@Katrinawaves

You don’t need to make any big announcement that you don’t want to see him again. Just block his number on your mobile and landline if you have one. Then you won’t even receive his messages and have to give them headspace.
If I do that then he will try to contact me and my DH other ways. And if he csnt get through to us I do think he would somehow make his way to our home.

But we were very explicit about why we were so upset about what he did when our child died, so I guess if he appeared at our house we would just have to reiterate that.

OP posts:
MrsBullfinch · 15/08/2021 12:02

I'm sorry op, sounds like you've had an awful time.

Is there any possibility you could move?
I would mention it at the schools too in case he tries to collect / see the dc, do you think he'd do that?
But I'd not announce it to him, change your number to start with

romdowa · 15/08/2021 12:03

Just block his number and move on with your life

namechangeandNC · 15/08/2021 12:03

@Bonniegirlie

Just block his number on your phone then you won't get his messages. Otherwise just ignore him, he'll get the hint
He won't get the hint. That's the problem. I do believe he is seriously mentally unwell and this means he can't. Im his only child. He's not met one of my children, I have never sent him more than one word texts every few months (if at all) and have ignored him whilst he has had cancer. If he was going to get the hint...he'd have got it by now I think. But I just don't think he can.
OP posts:
namechangeandNC · 15/08/2021 12:04

@MrsBullfinch

I'm sorry op, sounds like you've had an awful time.

Is there any possibility you could move?
I would mention it at the schools too in case he tries to collect / see the dc, do you think he'd do that?
But I'd not announce it to him, change your number to start with

No we aren't planning to move for a while, we're happy here . But certainly when we do he will not have any of our details!

He wouldn't try to see the children at school as he has literally no idea what school it is - they don't go to school near our house so there is just no way of him working it out, thankfully.

OP posts:
namechangeandNC · 15/08/2021 12:06

Maybe blocking is the best answer. Seems to be everyone's suggestions.

He's so socially unaware (as in psychopath/ narcissist) that he is not going to get any hints.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 15/08/2021 12:06

You don’t need to DO anything as much as stop doing things.
Just block and if you think he won’t get it you can write to him and just say that you no longer want him in your life and will not be responding to any communication from him at all.
Don’t list any reasons or try and justify yourself, just state that you don’t want any kind of relationship with him and then stay strong
Trust me, your life will be so much better

dapsnotplimsolls · 15/08/2021 12:08

Block him, get a Ring doorbell or equivalent, contact school and be prepared to call the police if necessary.

namechangeandNC · 15/08/2021 12:08

@Hoppinggreen

You don’t need to DO anything as much as stop doing things. Just block and if you think he won’t get it you can write to him and just say that you no longer want him in your life and will not be responding to any communication from him at all. Don’t list any reasons or try and justify yourself, just state that you don’t want any kind of relationship with him and then stay strong Trust me, your life will be so much better
I already did this, with his brother. I cut his brother and every member of his family out of my life. I then told my dad why. My dad had a sulk about it and said he was very hurt and then that was that. I guess if it comes to it, I can just say after what he did when our child died that there is no way that a relationship with me or my family can be reconsiled.
OP posts:
namechangeandNC · 15/08/2021 12:09

@dapsnotplimsolls

Block him, get a Ring doorbell or equivalent, contact school and be prepared to call the police if necessary.
I'd say that he couldn't surely commit any more crimes after being jailed. But he has stolen mine and my husbands possessions since then and denied it
OP posts:
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