Feel like he doesn't notice me at all

[stupidasusual]

Been with partner 11 years and feeling more like just a convenience to him, I don't feel like he looks at me how most men would look at their partners, I had my hair cut ( quite a different style ) he didn't notice till the next evening ( we're talking down my back to shoulder length ) yday I brought some new underwear Lacy at the front silk at the back ( sorry tmi ) he didn't even notice them ! I'm feeling hurt I lack so much confidence it's unreal and he just makes me feel like he's not that interested or I'm not that interesting to look at, I'm not confident in myself at all, and now I'm wondering as selfish as this sounds what it would be like to be with a man who does notice things! Fwiw since I was pregnant 4 years ago I've worn big granny pants cuz they're comfy and I didn't think I'd look okay in nicer knickers so this has knocked me abit aibu ?

Fwiw we dtd last night so he would have noticed if he wanted to

Hi OP, it just sounds like every 11 year old relationship to me to be honest! Have you spoken to him about it? What happens when you book a babysitter and arrange a night out for you and him?

Maybe he feels like he's stuck in a rut too :(

I've said about having a baby sitter and going out he doesn't seem interested in that either, says he's up for it then it doesn't happen

Does he only notice you when he wants sex?

He didn't even notice when we had sex ( there extremely lacy ) so you'd defo notice if you wanted to

I feel like we're friends with the odd shag or cuddle here and there if I'm honest, he makes no effort to make me feel important to him at all I've swayed with thinking how other blokes would treat me

So, it sounds like you don't feel loved or valued day to day? You feel taken for granted?

What's he like as a partner? Does he do his share at home and with the kids? Do you have good times together?

If you wanted to go out on a date, why didn't it happen? Was it that you wanted him to take the lead on organising it, or was it that he wouldn't make time for it?

Is this a general problem in the relationship or just how he treats you?

I ask because sometimes couples both stop making an effort for the other, and just take each other for granted. Then one person notices (in this case you). That person starts making efforts to revive things, but because the other person is slow on the uptake they start to feel resentful at being the only one making an effort.

For example, you suggested a night out, he says he's up for it 'then it doesn't happen' - do you mean you automatically expected him to organise it, even though you were the one who suggested it? Because if you wanted it to happen then you should have followed through and organised it. Then hopefully you both have a nice night out, and next time he might suggest it.

Regarding your haircut - Do you think your DH genuinely didn't notice your hair was several inches shorter, or did he notice it but not bother to comment, or even intentionally not comment? The different reasons could be sympomatic of different issues:

• not notice it at all - he's either stopped looking at you with any interest or is very distracted by something

• noticed but couldn't be bothered to comment - he doesn't really appreciate you anymore and doesn't see the importance of complenting you
• chooses not to comment - he is intentionally not complimenting you as he is angry about something or is abusive

I'm not quite sure what you mean about him not noticing the new knickers. Did you expect him to talk about them, and because he didn't you think he didn't notice them? But you say you 'DTD' so presumably he may have noticed and appreicated them?

I don’t think men in general care about women’s underwear like we think they do but I would have expected him to immediately comment on your new hair cut.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Did he ‘notice’ you when you first got together?

Yes I’d be very turned off if my partner didn’t notice me sexually.

Thankyou for your replies
@category12 brilliant dad can't fault him there but as a partner I do feel neglected ( as pathetic as that sounds ) when I suggested going out I did want him to take the lead and organise something he doesn't make me feel important or special to him I think if I left him he wouldn't actually care, I think he would be only bothered and upset because obviously I'd take dd with me but if I left it really does feel like it wouldn't matter, he does do his share around the house too.

@layladomino he didn't notice my hair cut, the next day he said your hair looks nice and I said thanks you finally noticed he then said yeah he didn't realise - how I don't know it's so short compared to how I had it before, hurt a lot I'm trying to regain my confidence and he just turns a blind eye it's like he doesn't even see me there if that makes sense.

@thefourgp yes told him when I had my hair done it really hurt and I just feel like he isn't interested and doesn't really see me like that anymore he tried to say it's because my hair was up all evening - it wasn't it was down ( too short to tie up lol ) I would have been mortified if I had made someone feel that way.

@TheStoic yes he did he was very attentive and loving I could stand in front of him naked and his head wouldn't even turn in my direction, although we do have sex ( obviously) but I feel it's very duty and quite rare I imagine couples my age have it a lot more than a few times a month.

What does he do that makes him a brilliant dad?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation he's a good dad I can't fault him there dd loves him to bits, my post was about how he is with me really

Sorry didn't mean that to sound rude, I'm not concerned about his parenting he is a really good dad just concerned at how he makes me feel xx

I was with a guy for a few months who never complimented me, never really noticed or appreciated me, and never made me feel special or made me feel like he actually cared about me. In the end, I cut my losses and got rid of him. Life's too short and he's not the only man on the planet.

However, you've been with your man for 11 years so it's a good idea to speak to him about it and see what's going on for him. Tell him how you're feeling. Has he always been like this?

Yeah the underwear industry is a bit of a con. I can't remember my DP ever saying "ooh nice lacy knickers are they new?" type of thing.
At least you actually DTD though. My partner will barely get the hint on the best of days 😂.

And the haircut thing.... It's actually surprisingly common for husbands to not notice AT ALL things like hair getting dyed, cut dramatically different, new clothes, it's a common occurrence in relationships, there's probably even a slang term for it. I'm not belittling your feelings I really am not trying to do that.

I might suppose the fact you're feeling ignored and like nothing but a convenience to him, has more to it than a haircut and knickers. He seems disinterested in date nights/quality time together? That would bother me more I think.

Hey! I can relate babe, its horrible to feel like that but then i sometimes think im complaining about nothing.Its important to feel wanted though. I have the same issue with date nights he tells me to organise it.Theirs frustration aswell as iv seen on old fb posts he used to treat his ex to nights away etc . The sex isnt an issue for us but i also never get a compliment.Things seem to have got.better affection wise unless iv got used to it.I know i was drivinvlg myself mad before playing testing games to see if he would come and cuddle me or kiss me as it always seemed i did it first.Its tiring isnt it and hurtful xx

17:50dontworrybhappy Why are you with him when he makes no effort? Unless it's sex. Do you even like him?