Shamed

[Hen2018]

I’ve just realised that shame with the emotion of my childhood.

I was talking in the garden (at my Mum’s) with one of my siblings tonight and she hid in the porch until we discussed something “shameful” (period problems) then she jumped out onto the lawn to tell us to stop.

That happened ALL THE TIME growing up. She was always hiding behind doors, eavesdropping or picking up the phone extension to listen in on our conversations. We’ve never said anything terribly exciting, worrying or illegal so goodness knows why she did it, or why she does it now we’re all 40+. Diary reading was another favourite.

Sometimes even now I feel ashamed of existing.

Things to be ashamed of included being too fat/thin/pale/scruffy/boring/talkative/anything we said/anything that was important to us was stupid and shameful/stuff we wore/how we did at school (5 degrees between the 3 of us but apparently we’re all lazy and thick).

It just surprised me that she still does it,

Well she's obviously got issues, hasn't she.

Is this worthy of your time, given that she'll still have issues after all the thinking you'll do

Your Mother is well and truly fucked up in the head 🌸

Any ideas how someone gets rid of feeling ashamed all the time?

Ditch your mum?

Counselling is your best bet but not always possible I know. Identifying the shame is the first step so well done for that. If you can catch it every time you feel it you can probably trace it back to an event/set of events in your childhood. Sorry your mum's fucked up.

Therapy

Brenee Brown books

This video on toxic shame may be helpful x

sentientcounselling.co.uk/2020/07/24/beliefs-behaviours-and-healing/

I had therapy for 4 years. The NHS chopped and changed staff members. I told the last one my mum would chop a chunk of my hair off if I argued and she (the psychiatric nurse) said I was lying. That has really put me off going back!

There was so much stuff that was so weird/surreal that no one would believe it.

Last night I said my son was going on holiday with his girlfriend and she went very weird about the “number” of girlfriends he has had. She also brought this up in front of the GF when my son took her round. This is his first serious girlfriend. She doesn’t believe people actually have sex outside of marriage and once said to me in disgust “you’ve had so many men”. Two at that point and I was married to one of them!

@Windmillwhirl - enjoyed (if that’s the right word!) the video.

Why do you continue this relationship OP? what do you as an adult gain from this ? why would you expose your own children to this woman ..

maybe you need to step away from your Mother in order for the healing process to begin. 🌸

Agree with QueenBee52 - maybe distancing yourself from her is when the healing starts. Maybe being kind to yourself and parenting yourself the way she should have - i.e removing toxic and shaming influences in your life - is what might help you to move on.

Shame is such a horrible, horrible feeling and if I was making my DC feel that emotion I would be so upset. What she did is not normal. I really feel for you - I feel shame just by her comment about men. Such a nasty comment, and what would it achieve, except to make you feel like shit? It's not like her saying it could turn back time (and frankly your sex life is none of her business anyway).

I would definitely look at therapy as it can be incredibly healing and empowering, although a tiring and difficult process initially, but ultimately a healing one. But finding the right therapist can be a job and the one you mentioned sounds awful. It might be that private counselling isn't an option for you, so I'd stick it out at the NHS if possible. People on here also always recommend the Stately Homes threads, but I've not read them so I can't comment, but they are for those with difficult/toxic parents and it sounds like they are very supportive.

As I said before, shame is such a terrible and toxic feeling and here it is totally baseless. I really feel for you, and I hope you can find the strength to distance yourself from her power and start to be kind to yourself and rid yourself of her shame.

Just like the video said, I feel shamed about feeling shame!! It’s never ending.