Can a marriage ever recover from a sex addiction?

[Thestruggleisreal21]

Can a marriage ever recover after discovering your husband has a sex addiction?.... I have caught him, did some questioning, then he confessed to years of watching porn every night, escalated to paying for cam girls regularly. Over this time he has checked out from us, and even though he loved me he wasn't affectionate. Also the lies, deceit, lack of respect is hurtful. Its a long marriage. He knew he was crossing a boundary/line in what is acceptable in our marriage.
He is saying all the right things, going to counselling. Will stop with porn and cam girls. He doesn't want our marriage to end and will do everything to make it work, including never doing the above again or taking me for granted.... With addictions people can slip and have relapses. I know if I forgive him and move on, then he does this again it would break me.... So I'm asking can marriage ever succeed after this type of thing?
Please don't say its only 'a bit of porn' or 'all men do it'.... I am not a prude. It was the amount he watched, the live stuff, paying for it, lies, the neglect I got because he put so much in to his secret.
I feel lost, I don't know my own mind, so I'm not rushing into anything drastic. But how do I forgive and forget?

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.
As well as counselling, your DH needs to be attending weekly SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) meetings. They can be found on the AA website and will be essential for a heathy recovery (the same an AA meeting is for an alcoholic). I would insist on this as part of his promise.

I would also invest in counselling for YOU and I would pay for a therapist that has specialist training in addiction. It's really important they have that understanding. I highly recommend a lady called "Hilary Betts" - Google her. You deserve specialist support too.

Good luck to you.

Pft. Sex addiction my ass.

He is a cheating bastard who enjoyed getting his ego stroked by other women. And has been a cold, empty, affectionless bastard to you for years.

If he wanted help, he could have caught it at any time. Instead he chose to consistently betray you for years and apparently now it's a 'problem' - because he got caught.

And already your asking yourself 'how do I push this under the carpet? How do I deny my feelings? How do I let it go?'. Why the fuck is the onus on you to do such a thing? The guy is a lying, cheating scumball who has done sod all to earn your forgiveness. And isnt worth you trying to forgive even if he did now, because he has already showed you he doesnt care about your feelings by cheating for YEARS.

Sorry *got not caught
And *you're

You need very specialised help OP, a standard marriage counsellor will not cut it. I have been where you are and a well intended but badly informed therapist did me more harm than good.

Check out the work of Paula Hall at thelaurelcentre.co.uk/about-us/ they offer support and therapy for those with addictive behaviour as well as separate support for their partners. Best of luck.

Thanks, I have seen the Paula Hall stuff, it seems good. She has a good book but I don't think I could afford the therapy sessions.
He is on holiday from work and back drinking more. He is being hurtful and has suddenly started changing his stories. To make thinks seem less worse than he admitted to a few weeks back. I have kept notes because I had a feeling he would make me doubt myself.... I got upset when I said that's a different story than you told me. He said I was wrong and making it worse. I saw the side that I always got before when he shuts down, and makes me feel crazy... I stood my ground and he said he is leaving tomorrow... Then a couple of minutes later he said I said he was to leave, then he said I said I was leaving... None of that happened. I said if it's all too hard for you, maybe you should pack a bag an leave.
I never thought I would be a single mum, I thought he was my best friend. I'm kinda old fashioned and since kids are involved we should do our best to see if things can be worked out... But it was like he has given up the past couple of nights, as if it's too much work.
I'm devastated to think my marriage is over after a couple of decades together . My kids will be so hurt too as will our families.
My heart feels like its just broke all over again.

What about what you want? Doesn't it give you the 'ick'?

So sorry for where you are. Please focus on getting therapy for yourself.

It's not your fault he's a creep. It must be a major turn off for you to learn about this side of him. Ick, major ick.

I echo @Dontbeme.

The people at the Laurel Centre saved my sanity.

Take your time. If you feel the need to build up to it then try the book for partners - it doesn't assume you'll stay but offers some really helpful guidance.

For me, I realised it was going to eat away at me and I was miserable.

Porn addiction, cheating addiction, lying addiction, deceit addiction. Yes to all of the above.

I couldn't come back from that.

Someone who is addicted is extremely likely to relapse at some point, even if it's not permanent. It sounds like this would break your heart and keep hurting you.
I don't really see any way forward long term with someone who will keep doing this to you, without your future involving a lot of pain. Maybe you love him so much it is worth it, but just be sure you're aware that the behaviour will very likely resurface at some point, maybe multiple times, and how this will make you feel. And if that's something you truly want for your future.

Pinkbonbon has summed it up really well OP. I know how you must be feeling as I have been in your position, except that my H progressed to using prostitutes which went on for years before I found out. I have been diagnosed with PTSD because what he did wrecked my life (and his). He too used the excuse of it being an addiction. I initially forgave him amid his begging forgiveness and swearing he would never ever ever do the same again. Then I discovered he was. So my advice is this: kick him out. You will never trust him again.

He is on holiday from work and back drinking more. He is being hurtful and has suddenly started changing his stories. To make thinks seem less worse than he admitted to a few weeks back. I have kept notes because I had a feeling he would make me doubt myself.... I got upset when I said that's a different story than you told me. He said I was wrong and making it worse. I saw the side that I always got before when he shuts down, and makes me feel crazy... I stood my ground and he said he is leaving tomorrow... Then a couple of minutes later he said I said he was to leave, then he said I said I was leaving... None of that happened.

This should be the nail in the coffin I think @Thestruggleisreal21 . He promised he'd do everything he could to make up for what he did/stop doing it, now he's going back on that.

He's not showing the accountability that if he was a 'sex addict' determined to work on his recovery would be at the forefront of his mind. He pretended to be going to do that so that you wouldn't dump him, or to get you off his back.

Sounds like he has alcohol issues too maybe.

And psychologically abusive, twisting everything/gaslighting.

He's nasty all round @Thestruggleisreal21 . You don't deserve any of this.

No.

He is a sleaze and an alcoholic.. why would you want to to forgive and forget?
He clearly can’t stick to his word and doesn’t care about hurting you or the children. He is spending family money on porn and sex workers, which is just disgusting. I don’t know how you can tolerate him in the same room. Please don’t even consider trying to work things out, by which I assume you mean carry on as if nothing happened. You deserve better, your children deserve better.

You've got a lot to think about, your whole world is upside down so I know why you're feeling like this.

The thing that struck me about my ex and I realised this over time, as well as getting over the thing (whatever the thing is - for me it was discovering webcam stuff) but then how he behaved in the aftermath was terrible. And your story is similar here. Once you start to be able to see and think straight, you'll see how damaging this part is.

Please remember, it's not you separating the family, even if you're the one who has to make the decisions to do it.

A marriage can overcome sex addiction, however it is a lot of hard work from both parties and not an easy ride. There is no moving forward unless he really wants to change/put the work in and you can't push him towards that, he has to take responsibility for his own addiction.

Have a look at COSA, it was a group that really helped me to get my head around things and meet some partners in the same position. I didn't do the 12 steps but it was good to just meet other partners who understood the situation without judgement. You need to give yourself some time and space to heal and then decide how you want to move forward.

He sounds just awful. Sex addiction / porn addict / lying / gaslighting . checked out / no affection.

Yet he told you he doesn't want the marriage to end.

Out of interested, if you asked him why he wanted the marriage to continue what would he say?

I finally asked him to leave and he said no. He said he loves me, is sorry and wants to make it work. I was starting to believe him, then this weekend happened and I feel back at square one.
I don't have anywhere to go, hotels are either a fortune or fully booked. I thought even if I could have a few days away to get my thoughts together. We own the house jointly so I can't force him to leave.
I honestly have no idea why he is staying.
We have kids, maybe it's that. I don't know anymore.
I suppose I just do what I can to get myself financially in a better position, co-exist under one roof until I see a lawyer.... Its all so hard, he has ruined our marriage and I'm heartbroken.

I honestly have no idea why he is staying

From my own (utterly fucking awful, mentally and physically exhausting) experience my addict also said he wanted our relationship even though he kept doing the same things to hurt me. The conclusion I came to was I was a smokescreen of respectability, the "nice" little housewife he could hide behind, if things looked normal from the outside to friends and family they would never guess he was spending a hundred euros in less than ten minutes on webcams, they would never have thought him the type to use escorts, the type to have an affair partner call to our home to chew me out over how awful I was to him (according to his version of our relationship) she left crying when she was told she was number seven in the list of other women. I was his human shield for a while, until one day he hurt me more than I loved him and it was like someone just cut whatever was tying me to him emotionally, that was when I started planning to go and not look back. Do whatever you need to do to protect you OP, you and the DC are the important ones, that is your family, take care of them. He has shown he has no respect for that so he no longer gets the benefits of being in that family.

@Thestruggleisreal21

Thanks, I have seen the Paula Hall stuff, it seems good. She has a good book but I don't think I could afford the therapy sessions. He is on holiday from work and back drinking more. He is being hurtful and has suddenly started changing his stories. To make thinks seem less worse than he admitted to a few weeks back. I have kept notes because I had a feeling he would make me doubt myself.... I got upset when I said that's a different story than you told me. He said I was wrong and making it worse. I saw the side that I always got before when he shuts down, and makes me feel crazy... I stood my ground and he said he is leaving tomorrow... Then a couple of minutes later he said I said he was to leave, then he said I said I was leaving... None of that happened. I said if it's all too hard for you, maybe you should pack a bag an leave. I never thought I would be a single mum, I thought he was my best friend. I'm kinda old fashioned and since kids are involved we should do our best to see if things can be worked out... But it was like he has given up the past couple of nights, as if it's too much work. I'm devastated to think my marriage is over after a couple of decades together . My kids will be so hurt too as will our families. My heart feels like its just broke all over again.

Oh OP Your update makes it clear that the problem here isn't a "sex addiction", and he isn't in fact willing to do whatever it takes to heal your marriage. He is doing his best to gaslight you and is getting angry because you're seeing right through him.

Tell someone in real life. Get support for yourself. Use some of the money that will now be freed up from him not spending it on cheating to get counselling for yourself as an individual. Move into the spare bedroom (move bedrooms around if necessary). See a solicitor. Get your ducks in a row. Photocopy all important documents (mortgage, payslips, pensions, life insurances, birth certificates, marriage certificate) and put the copies in a safe place (NOT in your home, with a friend or family member). Consider the passports. A man who has behaved as he has isn't going to suddenly stop lying and putting himself first when you break up. Protect yourself and the children