Terrified of hurting our children if I move on.
Married for 10 years, 2 happy, confident children aged 7 and 5. My husband and I have never had an easy, understanding relationship. English is not his first language but apart from that, communication, humour and empathy between us has always been minimal. He goes into long moods that last for days whereas I tend to explode but then get over things within the day. Last year he told me that he felt 'indifferent' towards me, and that he had no empathy for me, but we muddled on. Today we argued and he told me that our relationship is a failure.
We sleep in separate rooms and have had sex once over the past year.
He is a brilliant, competent, caring, thoughtful father and does much work around the house; cooking; caring for the children. Our children seem very happy.
I work full time in a demanding job; he works for himself, sporadic hours and there is little understanding between us on the demands of each others' jobs. I have always felt I need to maintain my job to support our family but feel guilty about how this affects the time I spend with my children.
His parents say they hate each other and fight like children, but they are still together. I worry that this has imprinted on him: he grew up to his parents fighting constantly. I come from a single-parent family and never knew my mother. Increasingly, we are arguing around the children and my 7-year-old especially is starting to notice.
Things are not completely broken and somehow we muddle on and can work together as a team generally (although I know he thinks he does all the work at home). We have moments of calm, but I have a constant feeling that he is not satisfied with his life - particularly with me and that I am not enough. There seems to be a deep unhappiness on his side but we always end up arguing when we try to talk in depth about anything.
We have tried marriage counselling once and we had the biggest row ever afterwards. I could try again with finding a counseller but another part of me thinks we have never been a fit so why bother.
He is a dominant person, rather controlling person (e.g. he hates it when I buy new clothes - that often triggers his moods) and I generally defer to him - from habit now. I was a stronger person without him. In our relationship I feel as though he is the 'parent' and I am the 'child'.
I have savings and could potentially buy a place of my own (he owns the house we live in now and has never wanted it to be joint ownership). We have sometimes talked about separation (always initiated by me) and would agree on joint custody of the children.
I am completely overwhelmed by how my actions (e.g. deciding to separate) will affect the happiness / unhappiness / future selves of my children. My husband and I limp along but we bring out the worst in each other. All advice welcome. Sorry for the long post, I have barely scratched the surface...