Please help

[Mum2000mat]

Please bare with me I’m new to this but need some advice. I have been with my partner for 7 years we have two children together 10 weeks and 3 years. I also have a son from a previous relationship. We met through a mutual friends and was friend for another 6 months before are relationship progressed. When we met he was diffrent to my ‘usual type’ and completely took me by surprise how my feelings grew. We always had 100% trust and I never had any doubt to ever question him . Anyway 2 weeks ago I was helping my son with his school work and we needed to use the iPad and sent him up a child’s Google account which needed to be accepted by the main Google account , his.
Anyway I seen an email that caught my eye it was to a adult site asking for a refund of £50 as he thought he was signing up to a free trail, at that point I probably shouldn’t but I started looking at his other apps one being Instagram I noticed on his activity he has been looking at other girls and opening links into telegram ( an encrypted messing app) I approached him about it broke down and ask him was it was and if there was anything els he swore repeatedly there wasn’t . We sorted things out with him knowing he had damaged my trust then a week later I just couldn’t shift this feeling again and looked again this time coming across another app he had been looking at other females on I was gutted he could lie to me but yet again he swore there was nothing els me like an idiot believed him the every next day (please don’t judge) looked again this time finding he has an onlyfans account and has been paying for videos and to top it off has also been gambling online and has spent up to 1000 in 6 months on ONE app .. bare in mind our son in 10 weeks old. I feel completely betrayed and really don’t know how we are going to over come this as the lies hurt more than anything .
I can’t get why he has been paying girls online for videos when he has videos of us but to also been gambling on top of it all we we don’t live a luxurious lifestyle anyway. Now I have found it all he is so sorry and wants to change but how am I surpose to ever trust him again especially when he can’t tell me the truth and will lie until i have broke it down bit by bit and have physical evidence. He has become and completely different person since February and I don’t know what iv done to contribute to it he says nothing but there must be people don’t just change that drastically in 6 months
Any advice welcome please don’t judge 🤦‍♀️

Oh this would be the end for me. He's spending money on other women and he's spending money gambling, all while you have a lovely new baby and a small child. No way. I couldn't put up with that. And on top of that he's changed anyway, so he's not the man you were in love with before. Ugh. Time for a showdown.

No judgment- why would we
You've done nothing wrong here
Can you forgive ? Do you want to ? I would be asking him to leave and enjoying my life with my 2 beloved children , at least I would know where my money was going and not being fed a life that is a lie .
I couldn't personally move on from this but it's your family , your life and your decision

No judgment here at all for you!

The girls and the money aside, he's repeatedly lied when you've asked if there's anything else you need to know.

Without honesty, you can't trust him.
That's clear and obvious.
Has he admitted anything that you didn't find out yourself? If he hasn't, I'd say there's more he's hiding.

What did he say about paying for videos and things? What was his justification? Not that there is justification but you have a very valid point if he already has videos - or could access porn for free - why he'd be paying for it.

And the gambling. Does he think he has a problem? Does he think he can stop?

This is excalty how I feel I don’t think I can move on from it, i was willing to the first time around when I asked if there was anything els obviously I would have been annoyed but I just needed him to tell me the truth and we could have moved on instead he swore on our children’s lives ….. and then still lied again and again on different occasions. how can I ever trust him again. Obviously this is still all fresh yesterday being the day everything was finally out iv not made any promises and I have said what I need from him now and now he’s been caught out on everything I feel he is sincerely sorry but he wasn’t when I needed him to be otherwise he would have told me the truth. Something I don’t think I can forgive but have said I will give it a few weeks and see how I feel but we will see , thankyou for your reply X

You won't be able to trust him again, sadly.

He hasn't changed... he's always been the person he is now. He's either suppressed the need to gamble and perve or he's been doing it all along and you've only found out now

@girlmom21 his justification was when we argue I make him feel like crap and he wanted to few something 🤢…what I’m not sure. the fact he was already using free porn sites (which I don’t have an issue with ) makes it worse only fans for me is a lot more personal .
No iv had to look and look again and then when I do pull him he still lies until I show him these different activity logs etc.
As for the gambling he said hasn’t been on any of them for 3 weeks as he knew it was getting bad. Even that though I had to find out for myself . Nobody ever want to split their family up but should I just put myself first for once or do I try and get over this bump in the road because like o say it’s literally all been from the start of the year it’s like he’s had some sort of secret life x

100% worse that he said he wanted something to make him feel better because that's him effectively cheating IMO. It's always worse when emotions are involved.

He sounds like a massive liar. I'm so sorry!

You need to delete the videos of you.

You only have 2 choices I am afraid.....accept his ways, he will do these things again, he wont give up gambling or looking at other women but you can turn a blind eye and keep the family together or....start the process of leaving. The first one you will live in hell for a very long time or forever if you choose to stay or the second one which will be hell for a short time then you live your life free from wondering and watching and mistrust.

Why would the onus be on you to see if you can 'get over it' though? I mean its not something you should get over.

Your partner is a liar. And so arrogant that when he was caught the first time, he didn't even bother to hide the rest of evidence because he thought you'd never find it. He thinks you're gullible af.

Forgiveness is for people who have taken the steps to earn it. This man hasn't. And prices he wasnt worthy of any when he continued to lie.

That grand could have gone on your baba. Instead he fritters it away. On other women.

Bin the git.

*proved not prices

Do you really think he was a paragon of virtue until February but then all of a sudden he started gambling and ogling women? It’s really much more likely he’s been doing one or both of these for a long time and is just trying to put a 6 month limit on it so it doesn’t seem as bad. But it’s bad; it’s really bad.

I would end the relationship. Nothing you've posted suggests that he is sincerely sorry. Nothing suggests he will change. Nothing suggests he gives much of a shit about you or the kids.

It's all about him - he's lied, gambled, spend HUGE amounts of money on looking at other women naked, or performing sex acts. In short, he's an utter prick. As well as a stupid one, frankly. There is massive amounts of free porn available on the internet as far as I'm aware. Why did he need to spend his family's money on OnlyFans? To add insult to injury he seems to be claiming it's all your fault cos you make him feel shit.

You've got a 10 week old baby and this dickhead spent £1,000 online? Fuck. That. Shit.

Get rid of him.

And as PP said " delete any videos of you ! " god knows what he could do with them
I've read on here men can barter videos of their partner to access partners of other women .. don't take the risk

Or men ... you know what I mean ...
Either... or

@GoodnightGrandma I have done first thing I did wouldn’t even mind but he is the first person iv ever felt comfortable enough to trust and even that was only 2 years ago , then he does this

Thankyou ladies I knew/ know what I need to do iv just let him talk me round to giving it a chance because apparently people get past worse than this . That does not mean I have to . Iv always been a take no shit kind of person but iv allowed him to have chance after chance for some reason ? Stupid me , he wasn’t perfect before Januaryby no means but nothing to this extent so yep I don’t know why I’m questioning myself things are clearly only going to get worse. Even if he never did any of it ever again (highly unlikely) the fact I can never trust him again is enough to leave it even if not for myself but my beautiful children

You won't be putting yourself first - you'll be putting your children first. They don't deserve to live with a liar who spends money on women and disrespects their mother.

@Pinkbonbon thankyou we spoke about the gambling again before the total has come up to 2000 in 6 months on top of what he was spending on only fans … he’s gone anyway and I’m going to mend my myself and get on with life with my boys

You've made the right choice, onwards and upwards!