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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please

7 replies

Purplemood · 14/08/2021 14:18

I am hoping to gain some other people’s views/ opinions on my situation.
I have been with my partner for just short of 3 years. In that time I moved into his house which he owned from a rented where I lived alone. Looking back I moved in to quick and gave up my place and what felt like my independence. I moved to his home town around 40 mins in a car from mine. I didn’t realise at first but his parents were very over bearing and over involved. We are both in late 20’s I have never had this issue in my life and I grew to dislike his family because the amount of time they expected me to spend with them and mil did weird things like insists we used his sisters old appliances and old crockery from her house when I owned all of this already. Mil confronted me once and told me I would never take her son away. Since then things moved on and I learned to deal with them mostly by avoiding them and events. In the 2nd year of our relationship I accidentally became pregnant and sadly miss carried. This made us want a baby more so we tired and now have a 10 week old baby boy who is the Light of my life. I feel like I should be extremely happy but I can’t help but feel sad I am now related to this family forever. I’ve felt as though I have had to bat off mil though out my pregnancy she shared a picture of my scan picture on fb without my permission. She demanded updated after every appointment and video called me multiple times. I never answer her calls because I pretty much can’t stand the woman. Now he’s here I’ve agreed with partner to see them every couple of weeks as a family but even this feels unbearable. His sister is also pregnant she is in mid 30’s and tried for a baby for around 5 years and has ivf last April the baby is due in winter also a boy and they keep talking about how close they will be and she wants them to be like siblings. I’m happy for my son as he will have a cousin but I feel this will tie me further to them. Mil has also asked me 3 times to give my babies old things to sil. I don’t want to do this as I worked and saved to buy a lot of his stuff myself and to be honest they hardly contributed financially when then are well off, the sil acts like a child and gets grouped on to cards with her parents and bought our baby her only a nephew 2 baby grows from Tesco so why should I then give her all my things.
I just don’t know what to do and have thought about leaving my partner as being alone and away from this family I can’t stand is more appealing if I’m honest. I know people may think I’m unreasonable but I can’t help how I feel. Does anyone have any advice what I can do to deal with this or what I should do.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 14/08/2021 14:23

Run for the hills

category12 · 14/08/2021 14:29

Your partner can take the baby for visits and you could have a break at home? You don't have to go along. You could just do major family events and not participate in routine visiting.

If you don't want to give away your baby stuff, just say "no, I want to hang on to it" and then change the subject.

It's OK to have boundaries.

Do you love your partner? If so, would he be open to moving away?

Leaving is always an option.

aerosocks · 14/08/2021 14:38

MIL confronted me once and told me I would never take her son away.

And when you told your DP what she said, what was his reaction?

Purplemood · 14/08/2021 14:54

@aerosocks he said he was shocked she said it but that she having a hard time with him growing up he was 25 at the time!! I kind of let it go but wish I would have took it as the red flag it was at the time. I feel like I’m in a relationship with the whole family.

OP posts:
Purplemood · 14/08/2021 15:02

@category12 thanks that’s really good advice, I’m breast feeding at them min so will have to get baby used to taking a bottle to visit without me. I’m also dubious to do this as I feel they will ask to have him more if he takes the bottle. Mil has made a few snide remarks about BF stating bottle fed babies sleep better and are easier to get into a routine.

Your right about boundaries, I just feel under pressure from her. I wish the babies weren’t so close together in age.

I think he would move away in time but I know he wouldn’t want the upheaval at the moment

OP posts:
aerosocks · 14/08/2021 16:04

[quote Purplemood]@aerosocks he said he was shocked she said it but that she having a hard time with him growing up he was 25 at the time!! I kind of let it go but wish I would have took it as the red flag it was at the time. I feel like I’m in a relationship with the whole family.[/quote]
So what has he actually done about it then - nothing?

If he can't persuade her to cut the apron strings and accept that he's an adult with a family of his own, then he really isn't backing you up at all, is he? You, he and your dc are a separate family unit.

category12 · 14/08/2021 22:24

Oh I wouldn't start mixed or bottlefeeding just to enable visits, no way! - but if they don't live far away, he can surely just nip over with the baby for a short time, give you a break and return when the baby will need a feed again?

You have the best excuse right now to say that you'll just take the opportunity for a nap due to broken nights etc instead of going over.

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