I could die tomorrow and not be missed for weeks

[Fullerene]

Anyone else in the same boat?

I've just ended a relationship with a guy I've been with for a year and I have noticed that, despite trying to reach out to people for just a chat, no one gives a damn. One reply from a woman who was all for coming over for a girls' night sleepover before the summer holiday started (I work term-time only) to tell me she could now only see me during the afternoon, where I have my kids to look after.

This is after months, and in many cases years, of always being the first to make contact with people. I don't have family bar my children, who are with me about 50% of the time and would probably be the only ones to actually miss me.

I've tried everything: hobbies, work, being out and about and talking to people, but no matter what, it just doesn't go beyond superficial contact in which I have to make the effort to keep in touch or nothing happens.

Obviously the relationship breakup, while amicable, has taken my only adult social contact away as we both now need time to grieve and move on, therefore I am feeling more alone than ever. I will actually be the woman Bridget Jones always imagined herself to end up as: dead for weeks, half-eaten by Alsatians, before anyone notices.

There must be something which makes me incredibly unimportant to people. Because I'm not actively disliked (ex BFs have always told me how their friends/ family liked me) but just exist in some dark corner of everyone's mind, getting dustier on the social shelf every day.

Can anyone relate? How can I actually get people to care?

I'm so sorry you feel like this .I don't have an answer ,all I can suggest is that you hold your head up high and get on with life .

You would of course be noticed if you went missing.

I think they would notice at work first, if I wasn't showing online and didn't respond to calls. Next would be people online, and that might prompt some of those who I also know offline to try and get in touch, unless I had said "going away for a few days, unlikely to be online." But I imagine it would take a few days for work ("when did she say she'd be taking a bit of time in the afternoon for that medical appointment? Or was she inventorying that kit, and is offline for that? Who was that with?")

I think it's not so much that I'm not important to people, but I live alone, and am incredibly self-sufficient (through necessity) and am not in daily contact with anyone in particular. I'm just not top of anyone's priority list - in lockdown, people chose their parents or siblings or adult children to bubble with. I'm just not important enough to make the cut with anyone as first choice.

Although if I am eaten by alsatians, (which autocorrect wants as Albanians?) I would be surprised, because I don't know where they would have come from, unless there are signs of a break-in, in which case, I think the neighbours would notice.

Dunno what you can do about it, though.

Yanbu I know exactly where you're coming from

This is partly why i still live at home. If I really wanted to I could move out. I don't have the biggest of social circles and all my friends have other lives too. I work but that's work and I don't have any close work friends. Also I work in a school so say if it was during the summer holidays no one would find me for works

My biggest worry is if I move out and have an accident im rather accident prone. And couldn't get to the phone for help. What would happen. Compounded with it being unfamiliar surroundings so not knowing the neighbours or whatever

You mentioned the woman at work said she's only available afternoons? It's a bit of a jump from that to say noone cares. So you know you have one friend who is happy to see you (you said she suggested it first), even if she's only availabe in the afternoons. Life is like that. I tried to arrange a get together with an old friend who I haven't seen an ages, and the first time we are both available on the same day is in late September (due to a combination of clashing work days, medical appointments, DC needs etc). It doesn't mean we don't care about each other.

So please don't dismiss this friend. Did you notice this lack of friends before you broke up with your OH or is it only since the split? I know you say you've always been the one to reach out, and I have noticed that friends often do end up with a dynamic where one is the first to reach out. Sometimes because they are the forward planner, the practical one, or the one with a bit more time on their hands. Or simply because the others have started to assume they will reach out first.

But if you think your friends aren't good friends, then now's the time to make some more. Do you attend any commjuity or hobby groups? Do any volunteering?

And in all this don't forget your DC who I'm sure would miss you!

Yup. I think people are particularly emotionally exhausted at the moment, given the pandemic.

But it’s also crept up over the last 20 years or so how much people just want to stay in their own bubble.

Partly it’s people draw their horns in as they get older and get so involved with their kids lives etc.

But I do feel that the rise of the internet/social media and unlimited choice in tv/music etc at the touch of a fingertip has made people draw into their own little curated worlds and they can’t tolerate outside people making it messy.

And people work much longer hours these days too.

@layladomino

You mentioned the woman at work said she's only available afternoons? It's a bit of a jump from that to say noone cares. So you know you have one friend who is happy to see you (you said she suggested it first), even if she's only availabe in the afternoons. Life is like that. I tried to arrange a get together with an old friend who I haven't seen an ages, and the first time we are both available on the same day is in late September (due to a combination of clashing work days, medical appointments, DC needs etc). It doesn't mean we don't care about each other.

So please don't dismiss this friend. Did you notice this lack of friends before you broke up with your OH or is it only since the split? I know you say you've always been the one to reach out, and I have noticed that friends often do end up with a dynamic where one is the first to reach out. Sometimes because they are the forward planner, the practical one, or the one with a bit more time on their hands. Or simply because the others have started to assume they will reach out first.

But if you think your friends aren't good friends, then now's the time to make some more. Do you attend any commjuity or hobby groups? Do any volunteering?

And in all this don't forget your DC who I'm sure would miss you!

Sorry, I wasn't clear enough. I suggested it first (we are quite close at work and there was a girlie film we both wanted to watch, so I suggested girl's night with lots of wine etc.) She was very enthusiastic about it, but then didn't contact me all holiday until I reached out after the break-up and said I could do with our girl's night, when she then told me she could squeeze me in for an afternoon after a different outing, but would need to go home. Thing is, we can't enjoy the film with the kids around (too much swearing). It just seemed so lacklustre, compared to our conversations before the holidays.

Yes, I had this lack of friends forever. I was bullied at school, moved countries, had my first child while still at university and so have never been able to build the friendships others have while young. I've had many fleeting acquaintances, but while I have supported many through their own breakups and other life events, such as deaths of family members, have been there on the phone, in person, asking, I've never had the same done for me.

I used to be in hobby groups, but can't do that since my divorce due to lack of time - same with volunteering (which ended in a job offer if I were to qualify in the field - so, again, well-liked), which was also cut off during Covid.

Yes, my DC would miss me. But that's it. Would be a pretty small funeral.

Are you super nice, relatable, helpful, etc? My mom was like that.... She always had to the the or making contact or it didn't happen. I think it's because people saw her as someone they needed, not who needed them, so she was pushed to the background

I think this arises in part from you having no family. I don't either, and find I've had to work a lot harder at not being alone than those that do. My friends with siblings, cousins, aunties not only have them, but also lots of people they know through them, and always seem to have something to do with someone. My pool of people has always been much smaller, just friends, and their free time is often more limited than mine. Not an answer, but just to say its often circumstantial not anything wrong with you.

@5128gap

I think this arises in part from you having no family. I don't either, and find I've had to work a lot harder at not being alone than those that do. My friends with siblings, cousins, aunties not only have them, but also lots of people they know through them, and always seem to have something to do with someone. My pool of people has always been much smaller, just friends, and their free time is often more limited than mine. Not an answer, but just to say its often circumstantial not anything wrong with you.

This. I have no family and I am not in a position to create a close romantic relationship and it does create a profound sense of aloneness. I have worked hard in the past few years after moving country to try to develop friendships, and I do have a sort of friend now and a few acquaintances, but if it weren't for the kids I could drop off the edge of the world and no-one would really notice much. With homeworking it would even take a while for work to notice as we don't communicate much, just get on with our work. And the fact is, is you are the one looking to make friendships, you are the one having to make all the contacts. Its like that with me and you just have to accept it. You are young though, your child will grow up and you will have the time to dedicate to building friendships whilst you are in middle age. I think that is a great time to forge a new life.

@gumball37

Are you super nice, relatable, helpful, etc? My mom was like that.... She always had to the the or making contact or it didn't happen. I think it's because people saw her as someone they needed, not who needed them, so she was pushed to the background

I agree with this. Also being self sufficient can come.across to people that you don't need the sort of emotional and other support that they and others do. Perhaps try being more vulnerable where appropriate to those you're closer to? It won't work with everyone of course (e.g. if they're self centred) but can help break down any perceived barriers some people may have.

Our society in UK and similar countries in general is pretty antisocial as it doesn't r have the same community culture that other countries have, so it's not a reflection on you. A lot of people are in your situation OP.

@Fullerene,I think there are a few things going on here.
1.Depression
2You sound totally normal
3.Pandemic
4.Bad choices
5.The 'join things and make friends',is rubbish.

@gumball37

Are you super nice, relatable, helpful, etc? My mom was like that.... She always had to the the or making contact or it didn't happen. I think it's because people saw her as someone they needed, not who needed them, so she was pushed to the background

This! And the fact that you are likely to be projecting a air of self confidence and ‘can do/get on with things’ vibe. So yes, you don’t get contacted or noticed until it’s too late. It sucks.

5.The 'join things and make friends',is rubbish

Its not. Its just that you have to join a lot of things, keep going for a very extended period of time and put a lot of effort into forging a friendship. And be lucky enough that there is someone there who wants to make a friend.

I find it isn't easy to make new friends. Where do you find them. Xx

Youve got children who are with you 50% of the time, so obviously your thread title is rubbish.

But you obviously feel lonely. Is that for sex or emotional intimacy? If sex, try a hookup site.

I was lonely for sex for 3 years. Then I entered sex work and now have more sex than I can cope with. But about a year ago I missed my late husband for one specific thing - the way he used to stroke my hair while going to sleep. But realistically I don't want to put up with all the hassle of a relatinship just for getting my hair stroked!