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Original poster

We hardly spend any time together

21 replies

Opples · 14/08/2021 10:30

So I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1 year, he works away and has been away for the last 3 weeks.

I saw him this week for a couple of hours that we could both squeeze in. We planned to spend this weekend together, a date night but he said he would rather stay in have a drink and order some food. I was disappointed because I brought a new outfit and was excited to go out after a really long time of not doing so. Anyway I went and brought all his favourite snacks, his favourite drink for tonight. He just text and said he doesn’t feel too good so he’s going to have to cancel. I seriously burst into tears, am I unreasonable in thinking he should want to see me properly and spend time with me? We argued before about him being away so he knows quality time is very important to me. I can’t deal with seeing him for a few hours a week.

OP posts:
Goodthings · 14/08/2021 10:35

He doesn’t sound very keen. Is the whole relationship just fizzling out?

category12 · 14/08/2021 10:36

If the relationship isn't working for you, then call it a day.

I mean, maybe he's genuinely under the weather today, but it sounds like it's an ongoing problem and if you're not getting your needs met, then the answer isn't to try to squash them down, it's to try to find something/someone who is able to meet them.

Original poster
Opples · 14/08/2021 10:37

That’s what I thought but when we argued last he was telling me how important I am to him, how he wants to move in together once he finishes this job. How he loves me so I thought having this date night planned would be nice to reconnect. And he’s just cancelled over a rubbish nights sleep

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 14/08/2021 10:39

I think you have already spent too much time with this idiot. He's a waste of your time, I'm sure you can do better.

category12 · 14/08/2021 10:41

Maybe he's got a better offer?

After all you'd already brought it down to a night at home together and now he's too tired even for that? Hmm

It's easy to say a lot of romantic stuff, but his actions are not matching.

Original poster
Opples · 14/08/2021 10:42

Exactly. I told him even if I was tired I would want to come see him. Even just to chill on the sofa. I said it seems like he doesn’t care or like me very much.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 14/08/2021 11:00

@Opples

Exactly. I told him even if I was tired I would want to come see him. Even just to chill on the sofa. I said it seems like he doesn’t care or like me very much.
The problem with saying "it seems like you don't care or like me very much" whilst hanging around for reassurance is that you'll be given the reassurance in words because that is designed to keep you 1) hanging around 2) establish you can be easily managed 3) get you to stop 'nagging'

You cannot change how this person values you, or the relationship if he perceives your expectations can be managed to fit with his low level of commitment.

IME men who treat you badly don't change just because you ask them not to.

You can't appeal to someone to treat you better than they are prepared to treat you. You either put up, or you walk.

People will treat others 1) just how they wish to 2) how they wish to all the time they can get what they want.

Its up to you to decide if this man treats you the way you want to be treated. If he doesn't......walk away. You deserve better, but its up to you.

DoingItMyself · 14/08/2021 11:01

Tell him it's over, block him, fill your life with things and people that make you feel good.

Suprima · 14/08/2021 11:19

@Opples

So I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1 year, he works away and has been away for the last 3 weeks.

I saw him this week for a couple of hours that we could both squeeze in. We planned to spend this weekend together, a date night but he said he would rather stay in have a drink and order some food. I was disappointed because I brought a new outfit and was excited to go out after a really long time of not doing so. Anyway I went and brought all his favourite snacks, his favourite drink for tonight. He just text and said he doesn’t feel too good so he’s going to have to cancel. I seriously burst into tears, am I unreasonable in thinking he should want to see me properly and spend time with me? We argued before about him being away so he knows quality time is very important to me. I can’t deal with seeing him for a few hours a week.

Answer me honestly- would he go out and buy your favourite drink and snacks if you were coming over to his?
HerMammy · 14/08/2021 11:23

➡️🗑

Original poster
Opples · 14/08/2021 11:25

He wouldn’t. He used to be really affectionate and do things like that. He doesn’t have much money spare at the moment so I’m trying to be understanding

OP posts:
Suprima · 14/08/2021 11:34

@Opples

He wouldn’t. He used to be really affectionate and do things like that. He doesn’t have much money spare at the moment so I’m trying to be understanding
You are being very understanding, but his attitude towards you shows he really doesn’t care. He hasn’t seen his girlfriend for three weeks and he doesn’t want to chill with her on the sofa?

And money isn’t the excuse for him not doing little things like that for you- how much does a tub of cookie dough ice cream and fruit twist Fanta cost? He can’t be bothered.

Please stop pampering him. He doesn’t deserve it. Always match energy with energy, and his energy is non existent.

There are better ones out there…

Goodthings · 14/08/2021 11:57

Why is he ‘working away’ when he’s not earning enough to buy a few snacks? Honestly you are giving him too much slack for his uncaring behaviour.

girlmom21 · 14/08/2021 11:59

You'd already made compromises for a quiet night in and now he won't even do that? Leave him to it and find someone who deserves your effort.

bangheadhere40 · 14/08/2021 12:00

🚮

category12 · 14/08/2021 12:02

Stop being "understanding" and give him the boot.

What he's doing is giving you the absolute crumbs of a relationship. There's nothing to stop him giving you affection and time when he's home even if he doesn't have a penny to his name. But you're not getting that.

Bin him off!

HollowTalk · 14/08/2021 12:29

If he doesn't have much spare money is that because he's spending it all when he's away?

It seems completely pointless having a boyfriend who works away and when he's back can't be bothered seeing you. I'd get rid of him, OP. Restrictions have lifted - get yourself back out there.

Myla2 · 14/08/2021 12:32

He "told you how important you was to him" but his actions are telling you somethinf completely different op.

Words are meaningless if there is no follow through. Dont be so naive as to hang onto a lie

PotDogg · 14/08/2021 12:39

If he's away so much just disappear yourself OP. Start dating other guys, then when this one reappears and is suddenly keen because you're no longer fawning over him you can tell him to do one.

Sorry, he doesnt deserve you, if tired then a relaxing evening on the sofa with you should be the perfect antidote.

JustHereWithPopcorn · 14/08/2021 12:58

I would move on, he doesn't sound great.

comfyslippets · 14/08/2021 13:03

Whether you dump him or not, I would put on my new outfit tonight, go out with a mate and have the bollocks of a time. I would also send him pictures of you having a great time. Sounds a bit childish but so what.

Then I would probably tell his sorry arse to get lost.

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