Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Fiancee's crush on colleague. Help.

43 replies

Outwiththeoldisit · 14/08/2021 09:40

My partner has a pretty big crush on his colleague. I mean big. I'm invisible if she's in the room pretty much. They worked together about 5 years ago for a few months until she had an accident and left. Today hes come home saying she's been back on odd days and intending on becoming full time.
I'm gutted. Hes been in such a happy mood since.
What do I do?

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 15/08/2021 06:05

She has a partner, they are not married no kids. I'm not sure she's interested in my partner tho.

this made me feel sad for you.. because you are fully aware that if she was interested.. he'd be off like a shot.. please don't be someone second choice 🌸

GiantHaystacks2021 · 15/08/2021 06:25

End it.

Brimorion · 15/08/2021 06:28

You’re leaping to conclusions based on your partner bring in a good mood happening at the same time as the return of a colleague he hadn’t seen in five years
?

GalaxyGirl24 · 15/08/2021 06:31

Please don't waste time and money marrying him if he's got a crush on someone else! As others say, an affair waiting to happen. Save yourself and any future kids (if not here already) a heartbreak and find someone who adores you, because there is most certainly someone out there who will!

daretodenim · 15/08/2021 06:46

Either he does have this crush, or you feel very insecure around him. Either way, if you marry him, how you're feeling now will not be likely to change in the long term. You'll always be second best to someone, or waiting for the next time you are. Think very carefully if this is how you want to feel for the rest of your life. Sounds dramatic, but marriage is supposed to be that. Right now is supposed to be one of the best times of your relationship, feeling all loved up and happy about the future. You don't get these times back.

SarahBellam · 15/08/2021 07:10

How often were you in the same room as them to notice this ‘crush’? I think I have only met my DP’s colleagues once in the 6 years I’ve been with him.

alexa677 · 15/08/2021 07:31

@SarahBellam this was exactly my point! They worked together for "a few months" 5 years ago and OP seems to have leaped to all sorts of conclusions without even discussing it with DP.

I actually think she sounds quite paranoid and insecure so I can't believe the amount of LTB responses based on the info provided

Windmillwhirl · 15/08/2021 08:37

You’re either the dream woman or you’re nobody to him. There’s no inbetween that will lead to any long term happiness

That's very profound. Obviously that is no guarantee a relationship will last forever, but you definitely have a better shot if that is the starting point.

Op, I'd tell him exactly how you feel and see what he says. Of course he may say it's nothing but at least he is aware of your feelings. I think I'd have to do that before I walked away. Not everyone acts on a crush, but if he realises what he stands to lose he may address his feelings and behaviour.

I hope you are OK x

TheStoic · 15/08/2021 08:45

I actually think she sounds quite paranoid and insecure so I can't believe the amount of LTB responses based on the info provided

I hope you listen to your gut, rather than this, OP.

I’d love to do a survey on women who have suspected their partner was cheating. I wonder how many ended up being right, and how many were just ‘paranoid’.

alexa677 · 15/08/2021 09:04

@TheStoic I would agree with you on a lot of cases but here she is talking about observing them in each other's company 5 years ago and there seems to have been minimal contact since.

The bit for me that makes it sound insecure/paranoid is that her DP and this woman literally worked together for a few months 5 years ago so I'd assume (unless OP corrects us) that this did not happen often. My Ex worked for the same company for 6 years and I met his colleagues a handful of times....

She's said herself she doesn't think it's an affair, it's a crush she's worried about so I've got no idea why you're both suggesting an affair when the OP doesn't even suspect that?

Sampafie · 15/08/2021 09:38

Tbh I agree with the pp saying OP sounds paranoid, if it were her fiancee posting , id advice him to lose her because people THAT insecure dont change. Yes nobody wants a partner that makes them feel terrible around other women, but projecting ones own inferiority complexes unto someone else and EXPECTING another adult to be responsible for making us feel better about ourselves is asinine. Only you can build up your own confidence and if shes reacting this way now, she will always react funny when her partner is working with women that look better than her. It doesnt change when he changes jobs because the problem is in OPs perception of HERSELF

Littlemissnc · 15/08/2021 10:11

At pp, I don’t think it’s insecure at all to feel upset that your fiancé is obviously a bit obsessed with another woman! A crush is thinking someone is good looking etc and fine we all get that but going on and on about someone else, getting excited they are working with you - I think op is rightfully upset. They’re not even married yet and he’s thinking about another woman constantly!
It’s about HIM having respect for his fiancée. Some mn have low bars for how they are treated by men it seems

gannett · 15/08/2021 10:15

The timeline doesn't work for OP's fiance to have a massive crush on this colleague though. Unless there's a huge backstory she hasn't told us. They worked together for a few months, half a decade ago, seemingly no contact since, and he's happy she's coming back. Sounds perfectly normal to me. I'm pleased when people I like come back into my life too.

Sampafie · 15/08/2021 10:15

How does she KNOW he is thinking about her "constantly"? Do YOU know what someone else is "thinking about constantly"? I have never come across anyone who can read minds, Im not disagreeing with the LTB comments, I agree OP shouldnt be in a relationship with him, or anyone until she has dealt with her issues

babbi · 15/08/2021 10:19

@Itsbeen84yearss

You’re either the dream woman or you’re nobody to him. There’s no inbetween that will lead to any long term happiness

This is simplistic but spot on 👌🏻

Wish I had heard that when I was 20 !

Seriously.. how many people globally have had real challenges in relationships because they settled for the “ in between “ - includes myself

Littlemissnc · 15/08/2021 10:37

Because the op said he always mentions and talks about her.
I don’t constantly mention and talk about one work colleague

TheStoic · 15/08/2021 12:08

She's said herself she doesn't think it's an affair, it's a crush she's worried about so I've got no idea why you're both suggesting an affair when the OP doesn't even suspect that?

You’re right, Alexa. I’m not suggesting it’s an affair. Yet. But affairs don’t generally come out of nowhere. They start with a crush. There are dozens of steps from meeting to shagging.

Unfortunately, when someone starts down that path, it’s incredibly difficult to stop. And only the two people involved can stop it.

QueenBee52 · 19/08/2021 21:07

@TheStoic

She's said herself she doesn't think it's an affair, it's a crush she's worried about so I've got no idea why you're both suggesting an affair when the OP doesn't even suspect that?

You’re right, Alexa. I’m not suggesting it’s an affair. Yet. But affairs don’t generally come out of nowhere. They start with a crush. There are dozens of steps from meeting to shagging.

Unfortunately, when someone starts down that path, it’s incredibly difficult to stop. And only the two people involved can stop it.

yip agreed ... it has to start somewhere 🌸

Flip

1 2