Should I talk to friend? Trigger warning sexual abuse

[DwellingOn]

Name changed for this.

Long story short: I’ve had a best friend since childhood. When we were maybe 10/11 we were involved in - ugh, how to describe it - a sexual (for him) experience with a slightly older male relative of hers. He was maybe 13. Definitely more sexually mature than us. I really don’t know how it happened. It was an ‘I’ll show you mine’ type thing but it went further than that, into the realms of his fantasies (shudder). There was no touching, and we were all children, and it was, I suppose, consenting - tho only through not really knowing what was going on - and for these reasons I don’t suppose I could class it as abuse (tho I have put a TW as it’s in that general area).

But many decades later I am still haunted by this incident. It has affected how I feel about sex, relationships, kids and more. I feel shame, I remember it in great detail and it intrudes into my thoughts to the point where it played a big part in a period of OCD I experienced as a young adult.

However, my best friend and I have never once spoken about it. I’ve no idea if she remembers it. I feel that bringing it up could cause her pain and impact on her relationship with her relative, which seems to be good. Or she may say it never happened which would leave me so confused. But I feel a growing urge to talk to her.

I just can’t get over how massively inappropriate (because of age and her close family relationship to him) and potentially traumatic it was- and I also wonder if it was the only time ☹️ This relative would often make jokes about my best friend’s boobs etc through our adolescence and even adulthood.

I very, very occasionally see him and everything is completely normal. Who knows if he remembers. Who knows if he was even at fault in any way.

I have talked about my own experience with a counsellor, and perhaps that is as far as it should go. Any thoughts welcome.

Sorry that is so long!

Gosh, first of all I'm sorry OP.

I have some similar experience (also with related OCD in adulthood - god it's crap isn't it!). There is a thing known as child-on-child sexual abuse, and I think it's important to remember that abuse in this way is really about the victim's feelings and not some "fact" driven search for the truth. At the same time, we know it's totally normal for children to "explore" (even though that's not what this sounds like).

In my journey, I have also dealt with the strong urge to speak to people about my experiences and I think that's a good thing. I think it's part of the healing journey, and quite an empowering part of it too.

However, I don't think that necessarily means you should talk to your friend about it. For a number of reasons. As you say, it might open a hugely painful can of worms for your friend. It could damage your friendship. You might not get what you want from the conversation (she might invalidate you, even inadvertently), and you experience a setback.

It's such a sensitive topic, not least because when things happened so long ago our memories handle things so differently that what feels true to you is not what feels true for others, and that can be such a mindf*ck.

Before speaking to her, be very clear on what you want to achieve from telling her. It may be that you're actually looking for something you can find another way, like acceptance or validation, which could come from other people uninvolved, or your therapist, or yourself.

I don't know, OP. It's nothing to feel ashamed of, so it doesn't need to be a secret, but it can be private; there's a difference, and for your mental health it might be better to focus on your own healing and self-acceptance and gaining some psychological separation between your friend and the events of the past.

Maybe one thing you could do is not see him anymore. That must be triggering and I think that is a fair and reasonable boundary to put up.

But I'm just one perspective, and I hope others will come along and provide other thoughts that are helpful to you.

I'm sorry for what you've been through and that it's still affecting you today

Actually that's something I should add. Personally I think one of the main reasons I wanted to speak to people is because I didn't want to hold it in/hide it anymore. It didn't feel like my shame to own, and I hated that I just had to carry it around and deal with the icky feelings, I wanted people to know this huge thing about me that felt like a humongous rock that I'd been carrying around since I was a child.

But I think if I HAD told people, even close friends, I wouldn't have been ready; I would have been too raw and vulnerable and it would have felt SO exposing. And once it's out there, you can't take it back.

I hope that makes sense.

God I could have written that. Well sort of. He did a lot more to me and I don't think she knows, it was her brother. I saw her a few weeks ago, still see her once every 6 months or so. We've never mentioned any of it. I often wonder if he did more to her when I wasn't there too. I think about it every fucking day.

I told my mum at the time because I had a tummy ache all the time and thought I must be pregnant. I was nine and of course I wasn't but I didn't understand how you got pregnant anyway.

Anyway I would say if you want to talk maybe see a therapist. Would that be a better person to talk to. I know I will never talk to my friend about it, no way. I don't want to upset her.

Sorry I somehow missed the last bit where you said you spoke to a counsellor. I'm not trying to take over your thread.

I wouldn't bring it up to her.

You say there was no touching.
Was he masturbating while you two watched?

I've had some ill show you experiences as a kid. I remember walking with with some friends and one boy pulled it out and tried to pee on us. Everyone jumped back and he was laughing and tripped over a root and fell and we were all laughing. I don't see any of it as sexual abuse. It was stupid kid stuff.

Thank you. And sorry others have experiences that haunt them too. Just writing it down has been helpful and has helped me to realise I don’t think I need to talk to my friend, I just need to deal with my own feelings and memories.

I don’t want to go into details because of possible pervs reading, and because it makes me feel gross. But it wasn’t innocent kid stuff like flashing to make us go ‘ew’ or just ‘showing’.

I get it OP. There is children's playing and then there is other stuff. People who haven't experienced the latter probably can't understand. Even when you have experienced it, it's hard to get your head round.

I'm glad posting has helped you feel a bit better and given you some clarity