My anxiety is going to ruin my relationship

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Hi, its a bit difficult to write this. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and been told by a psychologist that I've got all the behaviours of borderline personality disorder. My mental health has been up and down since I was sixteen and the other day after 2 weeks of being close to tears everyday I cracked and told the doctor and I've been restarted on medication.

Part of my mental health issues always hit on my relationship. It always has as this is how I got them. Me and my boyfriend have been renovating a house for months, we don't get much quality time together because of this and it is quite strained at the moment because of all the stresses of it. It was supposed to be a six month job and its been over a year.

My boyfriend knows my mental health is bad. He tries his best with it but struggles to know how to deal with me when I feel so low and can end up making me feel worse because of my disorder. He will try and make me laugh (which works for most things with me) and I end up being very upset over nothing so I try avoid speaking too deeply about it... if I'm honest I'm scared of scaring him away.

I have been good and unmedicated for nearly a year now and I've been fine but my anxiety is at an all time high and I'm finding myself feeling so paranoid and irritated. Therapy has taught me to let the feeling pass before reacting but im scared one day ill blow and ruin it over something he hasn't done.

Recently he went out for a drink with his friend who happens to be a girl as she needed some support due to an awful partner... I didn't say anything but I was worried and jealous. He has a friend at work who is a girl and he was telling me that she'd said something funny.. I was jealous. I went onto WhatsApp earlier to send him something and he was online and hadn't spoken to me yet today and I found myself getting upset... I have said nothing to him about this because in my rational mind I know its my anxiety and he's allowed girl friends just as I have male friends. I go on social media all the time without messaging him... im just so irritated with myself for feeling like this.. I want to tell him whats going on in my head but thats scary shit and I don't want to push him away.

My last partner had a mental breakdown whilst I tried to split up with him and I felt manipulated to stay and I definitely do not want to do that to my partner as it was an awful experience.

I just feel so lost with it all. Hes done nothing wrong but im feeling so irratic sometimes I don't know what I'm going to do next and don't think about it till I've done it and make a big mistake.

These pills won't kick in for a few weeks and it'll get worse before its better. I just don't want to ruin my life over an issue with myself.

Thanks for reading x

I’m sorry your struggling and well done on recognising that and going to the doctors.

I think you should try and talk to your partner about how you’re feeling, holding it in will make it worse and hopefully he will feel better able to support you if he knows how bad you’re feeling right now?

It’s nothing to be ashamed of x

It’s not abnormal to be jealous.
I also think you should say that you’re feeling insecure, and that you need time for these tablets to kick in.
You know, it’s good to be able to be on your own. A relationship shouldn’t be stressful. Have you ever lived alone, and if so, how was it ?

I lived alone when my ex was hospitalised due to his mental health... I think his mental health has impacted mine but I don't blame him as he was poorly. I was okay living alone but in general I feel safer and better sleeping next to someone and having someone to share my life with.. I've said to myself if this goes bust im going to buy a house and live just me and my son for a year with no relationship as I need to learn that I can. But I love my boyfriend and he loves me and we both want it to work.

I want to speak to him but im scared of scaring him like my ex scared me.

I just don't want him to feel he has to change who he is because of a problem that is mine. Its ruined my life on a few occasions, I don't want it to ruin his too.

He doesn’t need to change, he just needs to give you some time for the tablets to kick in.
I’m glad that you know you can live alone and care for your son if you need to. That should give you confidence in yourself.

How come you're unmedicated op?

Surely there's a medication that would work for you?

Venlafaxine absolutely saved my life and is the best thing ever.

Im back on sertraline now and because my anxiety was at a level that I could control and id had therapy and felt that I had more coping strategies but they've either gone or not working at the moment. Glad it helped you x

My DH is on antidepressants for life for anxiety. There is no question of him ever coming off them.

I think its because I've had a nice life. Nice childhood. Supportive friends and family. Ive never gone without. Its like I don't deserve to be mentally ill.

It's a common feature with BPD (now more commonly called EUPD) to be terrified of being alone.

It's really good that you're back on medication. Well done for reaching out for support.

Have you ever had any talking therapy? You say this came out of nowhere age 16. It's obviously deeply impacted your life and I think exploring that with a good therapist could really help.

if I'm honest I'm scared of scaring him away

This is the crux of the problem. You don't show him all of you because you're afraid he won't like it, and then you feel like 'If he knew the real me, he wouldn't like me', and it spirals into more and more of an insecurity complex.

Think about how a person can express their feelings, rather than the feelings being good or bad. Jealousy has a very bad name because people respond very unhealthily to it (cutting up all his ties, 'your dinner's in the dog' etc), but if it's quietly spoken, it's entirely different.

How would he respond if you asked him for a quiet chat, and told him calmly that when he saw his friend, you got upset inside because you worry about losing him, and you felt too insecure to tell him, but you've decided you want him to know you fully? What do you think he'd say?

When I get really upset I can't get out what I want to say so I end up just sitting and crying and he's supportive.. it might just be me but I feel he's a bit distant the next day.. but I look deep into everything at the moment so I'm not sure.

I know I need to or ill only end up worse for it. Thank you for your advice. I will try tonight... I think I need to really. Im just worried I'll look nuts and he will think im trying to stop him communicating with his friend.

Even when we have 'nuts' feelings, the way we deliver them to others is what denotes whether we're nuts or not. Think about someone with an... er... let's say, an ant phobia. Think about the squealing and leaping about and the wailing of 'an ant!! There's an ant!! OMG OMG!!', and how nuts that looks.

The think about the person, instead, leaving the area quickly, and telling whoever was there, afterwards, quietly, 'I'm so sorry I left so suddenly. I've always had a phobia of ants, and there was one right by my foot. All I can do is leave, when that happens, it's really inconvenient, sometimes!' Looks a lot less nuts, right? And is much more likely to produce a question mark from the other person ('So, where did this anxiety come from? It's pretty unusual' etc), leading to being able to talk openly about what actually happens for you in the moments of fear.

Do you think you're nuts?