My OH stopped talking to me. Again.
We’ve been together 13 years, married 12. I always considered myself lucky as I felt he loved me, and his love helped me love myself more. He helps around the house, maybe not so much since lockdown. I find excuses for him, like he got tired of cooking lunch every day during lockdown, but someone still has to do that.
We’ve always got along well and rarely if ever had any fights. I realise now that’s because I actively avoid conflict and try to make it all better for everyone. We both had a pretty rough childhood and I think I avoid conflict by being a people pleaser while he just avoids conversations. In the past when he stopped talking, he said it was because he was too angry and didn’t want to say something he regretted, or that he needed time to process things. He gets depressed sometimes and has been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks for a long time, also has a stressful job with but every job he had he had something to be miserable about. So every time I took responsibility and felt guilty about one thing or another and tried to make things better.
The lightbulb moment came in these last few days when he got all flustered again and left a conversation but this time I know that there is nothing to feel guilty about. It’s been over a week and we only have minimal conversation, like ‘I’m going to the shops, do you want anything’ and he’s also in the process of getting a new job and he has kept me up to date with what’s going on on that front.
I am determined that this time I am not going to start the conversation/making-up process like I always did. I feel like this will happen again and again and I did tell him before that I am not happy with it and that I feel that I am being punished for saying what I feel – one of the last bad ones was last year when I told him I wasn’t happy he was drinking too much. He then had a week of staying in bed and feeling miserable, he later said he ‘had to process’ what I said (like I’m not going to live with an alcoholic) and during that week I of course had to go on looking after the children (2 of them) and the house while my husband had me on ignore.
The thing is I don’t mind doing most things and looking after all of them, but when that is taken for granted and not enough and there’s still reasons to stop talking to me I feel like why am doing this? What do I do it for?
I am not afraid of him leaving me, I don’t think he ever would and sometimes I fantasize about being single. So I do not do it because I want to keep him with me. I always said I didn’t want to end up like my mother, a slave in her own house doing everything for everyone, but I realise now I’m not far off, the only difference being my husband is not violent whereas my father was.
I never allowed myself to feel too many feelings, except of course guilt and responsibility. And I am not sure now if he’s making me feel like this or I’m doing it to myself, as I obviously had issues before I met him. I can’t say no or say something that might upset someone. For example, last weekend (we weren’t talking) he decided to cook something for dinner and asked me if I wanted some. I said no and he rolled his eyes. I immediately said ok I will have it and tried to make it look like I was tempted by the smells. I did it without thinking, I ate it even though I was not hungry and after that I felt violated.
I started looking for a counsellor, I feel like I need to sort out my shit and be able freaking say NO and not feel responsible for everyone else. I need to allow myself to feel upset, angry and be able to talk about it and stand up for myself. I have denied myself this my whole life.
Thanks for reading, I have been thinking about this a lot - I had time since we’re not talking – and I had to get it out.