Would you let this go at this point?

[Hhjhhj]

DP of 10 months has lied about not talking to anyone else online after our first date. It turns out he was still using apps but didn’t meet anyone (showed me the messages). He shut them down after we’d been dating 3 months. We’d said we were exclusive during all this time. Would you let it go?

If you met on an app then being exclusive is different to agreeing to come off the app.

A lot of people keep their profiles in the early stages of dating.

Yes I would. You cant expect him to know or like you that early on. I dated using apps and did not like one man who said to me, you will come off now please. I resented it. It wasn't that I'd have gone on it looking or anything, but I wasn't going to be told what to do...

Yeah true I guess because we’d had the exclusive chat I felt like it was a bit shit to be messaging people! But agree everyone has the apps these days

Have there been other issues so far?

Yes I'd let it go. My DH and I were both still seeing other people For the first 3 months. We've now been happily together 15 years, married with kids.

What we're the mesages like?

Flirty and with intention to meet - I don't know because people on here keep saying that the beginning is when someone is supposed to think you're amazing and not want to do anything to spoil it or even consider someone else.

Just chit chat in which case I probably wouldn't see it any differently to chatting people elsewhere.

If he shut them down of his own accord, and everything else was going well though, I'd probably let it go.

But then I don't do online dating partly because of this aspect to it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Messaging other people while claiming you're exclusive isn't my idea of a trustworthy guy.

Hmm... not sure but I think the content of the messages is important...if you had said you weren't still getting to know other people then no, he didn't need to be on there but it was very early days. Also how did you find out?

I’d let it go, unless there’s anything else to add to it.

I don't think you can expect absolute commitment after one date. If you said you were exclusive that means not meeting others which he didn't. He is being transparent with you showing you the messages, so take him in good faith and go from there.

I think if you say the words we're exclusive there's a reasonable expectation that you should be true to your word and not sniffing around other people.

3 months of dating, no I wouldn't expect exclusivity.

If you have the expectation 'once we have sex we're exclusive' then you need to communicate that. Before you have sex.

But they had had the "exclusive chat"

Surely if you've agreed to be exclusive, even if it's fast, it doesn't mean exclusive apart from chatting up people online?!

The real problem here is the lie.

Well, if he had said they were exclusive, he shouldn't have been talking to women on OLD at all. I'm not in 2 minds about that. The only thing I am in 2 minds about is whether to end a longer relationship over this if it's going well otherwise.

It doesn't bode well and this kind of dishonesty is never a good sign. I just suppose, if it was idle chit chat, not leading anyone on, not seeking out meetings (obv one could ask 'what's the point?' and 'what would have happened if he'd met someone he found really interesting?') It might not be the same as if he was doing those things.

Does he have an explanation and how have the last 7 months been? Also if he admitted this openly and apologised it would be different to if, say he had tried to chat the OP's friend up and she found out that way.

Suppose I'm also thinking it was lockdown 7 months ago, maybe this was his way of having a bit of company.

Doesn't sound great in all, but there is a chance he might not have meant anything by it. It is really unusual for me to consider condoning messing around elsewhere, i just feel that depending on those factors this could possibly be a grey-ish area rather than unforgivable.