A bit of a long one…sorry

[Gothicgirl]

I have been thinking about posting for a long time but don’t really know where or how to begin. I could do with some advice and I don’t really want to talk to my friends or family, as I feel that they will think badly of my husband.

My husband and I have two DC under 5. Since they came along, I feel like our relationship has gone downhill. He is a lovely man and is funny and so generous. He does however have a drinking problem which I’m finding harder to deal with. Before kids we both liked to drink and would go out often with friends. Since the children came along I drink a lot less because I can’t deal with the hangovers. On average he drinks about 4-5 nights a week and will happily get through 2 bottles of wine a night (minus the one or two glasses that I drink) and maybe a few beers or g&t’s. After a drink he can turn nasty. He makes comments that he’s going to leave because he’s unhappy and that I’m not the same person he married. To be fair he also says this when he’s sober. He feels that I’m too serious and don’t know how to have fun anymore. I admit that I am definitely more serious and no doubt less fun but that is mainly down to the fact that most of the responsibilities fall to me and I am so tired - I do all of the cleaning and washing, the majority of the planning with the kids from days out/playgroups/play dates, any doctors appointments and most of the cooking. I am the only one to get up with them in the night and always have been, he sleeps though it all. I was also the only one bathing and putting both kids to bed each night until I recently put my foot down. I still end up doing both bedtimes most of the week but he does help out more. The kids want me to do everything which doesn't help and he says he often feels rejected by us all.

He works full time and I work two days a week. On the days I work he looks after the kids one of the days and my parents have them the other day. He moans that me working is taking him away from his work and that we will suffer financially because of this. Apparently I don’t need to work and would be less stressed if I didn’t. He always says I am ungrateful and never thank him for all he does.

Yesterday was my day off work so I took the kids out for the day. We got home late afternoon so I got them both washed and into their pyjamas and then started cooking dinner. DH said he didn’t want any food and took himself off for a run at 5pm. When he got back at 6pm he said he had a few more work bits to do and didn’t reappear until 7pm to start making himself dinner. So bedtime was left to me again. At 7.45 I said to him it was time to start our eldest child’s bedtime and was told he couldn’t do it as football was about to start so yet again I was left to do both bedtimes. Situations like this often happen and I get so frustrated because I never get a break or any time to myself.

When we argue he swears, often name calls and in the past has thrown or broken things. This never happens in front of the kids thankfully but he does bang and slam things around in front of them. He will also give me the silent treatment when annoyed or completely ignore me when I ask him a question. He has started trying to involve the eldest by saying things like “mummy is cross with daddy again” or “maybe mummy will be in a better mood when she gets home from work”. I have asked him not to do this but his reply is I shouldn’t speak to him the way I do in front of the kids and he wouldn’t react the way he did if I spoke to him nicely. I admit that I do snap at him more now because i am so fed up with his behaviour.

I know we need to work on our relationship and have suggested we consider counselling but he’s not interested. I don’t really know what I’m expecting from posting here but I just wanted to get it off of my chest. Thanks for reading if you got this far :)

You need to work on exiting this relationship because he is abusive towards you and in turn your children. What you’re describing here apart from his drink problem is domestic violence (throwing and breaking things, not his things mind you) and emotional abuse (his silent treatment).

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no relationship model to be showing them.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. I would urge you to contact Women’s Aid and seek legal advice because knowledge here is also power.

Abuse is not a relationship issue, it’s about power and control. He wants absolute here.

I am glad to read he has refused counselling simply because joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You need a safe outlet, do keep posting here.

Totally agree with Attilla. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and you will recognise your husband and the controlling tactics he is using. Women's Aid also has a chat facility so you can talk online whilst looking after kids if you have to. He's your husband but he's also the perpetrator of your abuse. When you're ready start telling people in real life because then you're less likely to get back with him. Abuse is a cycle, which is why you describe him as lovely, funny and generous, which he will be sometimes, and at other times using violence to control and intimidate you. Banging and slamming things are intimidation tactics designed to keep you in line, afraid and walking on eggshells. Good luck with seeking help and taking steps to leave your perpetrator

He sounds awful. You need an exit strategy I think.

I think you should seriously think about leaving. You only get one life, and it’s doesn’t come with a time machine.

You need to leave. This is not good at all. Reminds me completely of my father. Most likely it will escalate over time a and your children will end up begging you to leave like we did with our mum. He's an abusive alcoholic. This will not be a happy marriage.

[Scans post quickly]

Blah, blah, lovely man, blah, blah ALCOHOLIC, blah, blah, ABUSIVE AND THREATENING VIOLENCE, blah, blah, good man, love him....

Just get shot before it's you or the kids being hurt in his drunken rages.

You need to leave him. He is not a nice person and his horrible behaviour will more than likely escalate. Absolutely DO NOT reduce your work/stop work in the hope it will make things better. It won’t - it will trap you in an awful situation. You currently have a job and should be in a good position to increase your hours/move on to something better. “You are ungrateful and don’t thank him for what he does”. He doesn’t appear to do anything for you or your children apart from bring in some money. You can bring in more money yourself as you move forward and keep working. It will be hard as a single parent but you are already living with this through single parenting. He will still have to contribute to your single household through child maintenance. You probably won’t end up very much worse off financially through splitting but you will have a happy and calm household and you can build a lovely future. xx

He needs to go, now, or you and the children do. You cannot continue to allow your children to grow up around a violent alcoholic. It will taint their lives forever.

There are plenty of lovely, funny and generous men out there. I don't think these qualities even half make up for his other behaviour. Please consider leaving.

Not your fault, cos everyone does it, but I hate the idea of men 'helping out' with their own children. It's not helping out, it's what they should be doing because they are their parent.

Same goes for cooking, washing etc. Who would do it if they were single?

Hope you are ok, it sounds like a really difficult situation.

OP if you had a friend, sister, or daughter tell you this about her husband, would you think badly of him? I think you would.... because it's BAD. 2 bottles of wine plus beer and gin is heavy alcohol-dependent behaviour. Verbal abuse and threats of violence (that's what the banging and throwing are) will escalate. Attempts to control you by stopping you working.
If you tell your friends and family about this, i HOPE they think badly of him. They bloody should.
What would you advise a friend, sister or daughter in this situation? Stay because he's lovely, funny and generous? (I couldn't spot those qualities in your post.... you describe a selfish, angry, and unsupportive man). Or start making plans for a better life for yourself and kids?

You state " he's a lovely man" yet you then go on list numerous horrible things he does.

Doesn't sound lovely to me.

Hi OP,

I think you know on some level that this is abuse because you won't tell friends or family. Please leave, this will get worse. I grew up in a house like this and my siblings and I have anxiety disorders because of it. Your job isn't to change your husband, it's to protect yourself and your children.

This is not good, really not good. It is abusive in its self to dump responsibility on you. Whilst there are many concerns here, using the children.. or sorry manipulating the children is a major concern. That’s classic abusive behaviour.
The current situation is teaching children that the female does everything.. (sorry op) im sure you would like to have some free time such as go for a run or watch football.

My mother left our father when us kids were fairly little (10,7 and 4). Dad was just as you describe you husband. All 3 of us sibs have grown up to have (mostly) happy healthy relationships. Personally, I’ve had 23 Yrs of happy marriage, as well as the support of a wonderful husband who cherishes me. We’ve raised 3 children, and buried one, and my partner held our family together as we navigated unbearable pain.

I give my Mum credit for raising us to believe we had value, and for the lovely childhood we had and years of peace after leaving Dad, as well as giving us the presence of mind to pick a quality partner.

I can’t imagine how much courage it must have taken. She did it for us.

Please consider your children in this, and make a plan to leave this horrible man.

This is very bad behaviour. It sounds a lot like he’s depressed but unfortunately not willing to do anything about it. Unless he is willing to get help then it sounds like you will be stuck in this dysfunctional dynamic. From what you’ve said it sounds like you would be better off without him. He’s already isolated from the rest of the family emotionally and in practical terms as it is.

You say that he doesn't have his outbursts in front of the children? Are they out of the house when this happens or in bed. If its the latter then they 100% hear what's going on and are more than likely lying in bed terrified. Not a great way for children to be at all. How is this guy nice exactly?

I’m interested in the huge gulf between your opening comment about your husband He is a lovely man and is funny and so generous and absolutely everything else you have written about him. There is nothing else in your post that backs up this opening line. He does not appear to be lovely, funny or generous. In fact, he appears to be abusive to you and your children.

Fix in mind what a lovely, funny and generous man would do and then contrast that with what your husband does. That may give you clarity.

How about this - he seemed a lovely man when everything was about him and you were able to centre him completely. Now you have children and responsibilities and shock 😲! horror ! you have expectations of him as a partner and father - the loveliness proves to be less than skin deep.

He’s not lovely OP, he’s an abuser. No two ways about it.

I think you need to start planning an exit strategy. I would really strongly encourage you to speak to a friend or family member first so you have someone in real life on your side.

This is so tough for you. He's putting you between a rock and a hard place because he doesn't want to work on the relationship so nothing will change.

My kids are young and both go to me a lot which can make my husband feel pushed out but I think its probably normal when they're little so he just keeps doing things for them when they ask me anyway

He's putting so much pressure on you saying you basically need to be fun when you also need to do absolutely everything for the kids and house...I mean that's draining why would you be fun unless he helps to get you space for yourself.

I won't say leave because I don't think we know enough from a post on a forum but I'd certainly be thinking about it when he won't support you x

Hand hold, OP. I could have written this, the only difference being I have one child. I'm so sorry, it's horrid. I plan to get out one day, hope you can too

WORK on your relationship!? I'm sorry OP but I think you need to end it.

To summarise:
You are married to an abusive alcoholic who is manipulating your children to try and get them to view as the 'bad guy'.
This is who he is and he will not change.
You are already a single parent in all but name.

Forget about joint counselling, but DO get counselling for YOURSELF.
Do read WHY DOES HE DO THAT - PDF is available for free online.

Increase your work hours to prepare for flying solo.
Read up about the divorce process - Wikivorce online, book from the library, etc.
Gather all financial documentation: P60s, salary slips, pensions (very important - often worth more than the house!), bank statements, investments, house deeds and mortgage.

Reading this in black and white may seem hard, but this is the reality of your situation. Save yourself and your children a lot of heartache by starting this now. It may seem overwhelming, but you can do this. Remember the way to eat an elephant : one bite at a time

Thank you. I’m sorry you are going through this too. I hope you are ok x