Does your partner do your head in whilst driving?

[DuchessOfDisaster]

We have been out for the afternoon and I drove back because my partner had a few drinks with lunch (it was his birthday). He's a terrible, terrible passenger. Always criticising my driving, telling me what to do and when, complaining that I get too near the kerb/the middle of the road/other vehicles/'steam into' junctions etc. I don't, and I am a nervous wreck driving with him in the car. He will tell me when to pull out of a junction, "Go! Go! Go!" which I won't do unless I can see for myself that the coast is clear. He sees this as hesitating.

Funnily enough I don't get this with other passengers, and I don't feel anxious driving by myself. The only other person who has criticised me for driving is, yes, another guy, my ex-husband. He was ten times worse, too.

He says "you know I am a s**t passenger" as if that makes it all right. Now, how do I get around this?

Refuse to drive him anywhere?
Insist we get public transport/taxis everywhere?
Not go out with him at all?

Seriously - who else has had this and how did you resolve it?

I don't feel safe with dh's driving, so we have agreed that I drive everywhere. Stops him getting so angry when I ask him to back off a bit from the car in front, or I involuntarily tense up when he gets too close to the kerb/parked cars etc. Incidentally, I felt perfectly safe with previous boyfriends.

Yeah I think this is reasonably common. Clearly not all men, but there is a definite group who are like this in the car. My DH is terrible to the point that I don’t drive if he’s there (if I can help it). I do plenty of driving just fine but he’s hyper critical (I call him Hyacinth).

I think it’s learned behaviour from his parents (who he thinks are wonderful so can’t see the issue but that’s another story). His mum doesn’t drive much and as they age and his dad becomes less able to drive that’s going to be a huge issue for them.

Yes, my mother and exH did this.
Nearly caused an accident.

What I did was pull over the side of the road and tell them not to distract me again as it's dangerous.

DH used to do it a lot, the worst example being when he thought I should be overtaking so he put the indicator on. I was so angry and made my feelings extremely clear. He was making me nervous and his head was in the way every time we got to a junction. Now I just quote Max from Notting Hill. "I will decide the route, James Bond doesn't have to put up with this shit"

We've recently been on holiday with our adult children, DH insists on doing all the driving. Both kids have commented to me about how awful his driving is. He gets far too close when overtaking and takes corners too fast so that I'm white knuckled and the passengers in the back feel sick. He also uses his phone while driving which makes me really cross.

Make him drive if he’s so great, or LTB !

1). Warn him before you set off that he needs to keep his comments to himself
2). Set up google maps or a sat nav before setting off so you aren’t relying on him for directions
3). If he starts criticising pull over at the first safe place and tell him to either shut up or get out …. MEAN IT
4). Do not restart the car until he promises to be quiet
5). If he starts again pull over and refuse to restart the car until he gets out

You will only need to do this once. If you are kind make sure you have money in your pocket to give him when you Chuck him out of the car so he can get a taxi.

In future do not allow someone to bully and harass you.

Yes to Peace43’s post.
I had to say to dh ‘if you want me to drive you, do not say a word to me about my driving or other drivers.’
just before we set off every time for a few times. Now I don’t need to.
I also told him that I was obviously a better driver than him as look how stressed driving made him. I can remain calm while he was unable to control himself.
That put a different angle to it.

Oh god! Mine has this AWFUL habit, when on a motorway if there is a queue of traffic coming up he presses the hazard lights to warn those behind him. I know in theory that's good but he does it even if there is plenty of notice for those behind to realise the traffic is slowing just like he bloody did! That might not make sense but trust me it's annoying AF!!

My DP is like this. Cannot get out of driver mode and into passenger mode, where you sit back and allow the other person to get on with it. He either clings to the ceiling handle and barely breathes, or tells me off constantly for being too close to the kerb / braking too hard / not braking hard enough etc. I have only been driving for 2.5 years but I am a safe driver. I have parked up in occasion and told him that I wasn't prepared to drive any further because his nonsense was making me panic. We have a long drive coming up in 2 weeks and I'm considering telling him I'm not doing any of it

Sorry I replied without actually reading as I wanted to get it in there haha! Sorry I now realise you meant with you are driving not him, which is a no to be fair

That is totally unacceptable behaviour!

Is he emotionally abusive in other contexts?

Not my DH, but my late DF. I didn't learn to drive till I was 40 and DF was a bloody nightmare. He could no longer drive as he had had a mini stroke snd sensibly stopped driving. So I ended up driving him about.

Finally I pulled up ( safely i might add) and refused to move until he stopped 'giving me advice' I had to do this about 4/5 times before he learnt to hold his tongue.

DH does wave thanks though if someone let's me passes. I get the urge to grab his hand as I can do that myself, and do!

My DH tried to “help” me reverse my car onto my drive shortly after we started dating. It was pouring with rain. I stopped the car and made him get out. He didn’t have a key to my house then so got soaked. Now he only helps if I ask…

Mine does this, not in a shouty way but it's like I'm sat next to a driving instructor, it drives me insane and told him so.

My dh does the thanks hand wave thing too. It does wind me up.
He also once tried to speak to a police officer who’d stopped me, about me (it wasn’t serious). I just glared at him and said ‘do you mind??!’ and turned to the police officer. I was livid and had very strong words afterwards.

'but it's like I'm sat next to a driving instructor'

YES! Same here, and I've told him so!

Yep!

I simply don't drive when he's in the car. He know's he has to be the driver whenever we go out together as his criticism is a right royal pain in the arse.

Stop driving him
If he has to get out and walk next time then he won’t do it again

@Azilliondegrees I call mine Hyacinth too
I have one of these. I posted a thread in here about him once a few years ago for the same reason! He did get a lot better after telling him to shut up or that he's getting out and walking enough times.

He regressed a bit after the lockdowns as it had been a while since we actually had to drive anywhere.

He'll say I'm not reacting to things like cars pulling out ahead etc - but I've already seen it ages ago and would have been gradually braking by the time he gets round to shouting at me. He does admit he's a shit passenger - I've started just taking the piss and saying things like "oh no, there's a lamp post over there, I might hit it!! There's CARS on the road, I might drive into one!" when these things are clearly miles away.

Mine is actually better after a couple of drinks although then he won't leave the radio alone!

@felulageller

That is totally unacceptable behaviour!

Is he emotionally abusive in other contexts?

Interesting question. He makes jokes when we're chatting and it's not my sense of humour. He does it a fair amount, for example I was talking about Chris Hawkins' breakfast show on R6 and he said "does he use a voice box?" Reference to Stephen Hawking which I totally ignored and carried on with the conversation. And once when I was talking about someone called Gordon he said "is he a moron?" I think it's childish humour and ignore it but on reflection it's undermining and derailing the conversation. This is only now and then but it's irritating. I simply stop the conversation at that point.

I wouldn't say he's abusive exactly but I think it's time for a little chat!

Mine isn't that bad but he will make the odd comment about me curbing wheels and I can tell he is uncomfortable as a passenger. But I'm also a terrible passenger and spend a lot of my time going for the invisible brake and inhaling quickly I never used to be like it before learning to drive myself.
We're both actually really good drivers.

DH is like this too, once when we were driving abroad (and he wanted tme to drive as he hadn't driven "on the wrong side" before) he put his hand through the steering wheel to turn on the lights...

he also complains about me being too close to the kerb, being in the wrong gear, not using the automatic handbrake "properly" and many other infringements...

I once stopped the car and told him he could either shut up or get out and walk...it worked that time so I might have to try it again...