Did he cheat?

[Confused50slady01]

Sorry this is long. I was in an abusive relationship and started sleeping with another man at work who had become my emotional rock for the previous 2 years, who knew my situation and how afraid I was to leave. He helped me get councelling for domestic abuse. I told him I wanted to eventually leave my dp but wasn’t sure if I could as I was so scared. We slept together once a week for 2 months then twice a week after that and spoke a lot on the phone. He helped me gain the courage to leave my abusive dp and take a temporary place in a refuge, It took me 1 year to get that courage to leave. In that time I assumed we were only sleeping with each other, I told him I wasn’t sleeping with my dp and he said he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. It’s been 2 years since I left my dp and I have been with my “friend” ever since. As soon as I left my dp he asked me to be his girlfriend. I’ve been blissfully happy ever since he cooks cleans is always way he says he is, doesn’t have passwords on his phone, treats me with respect, encouraged me to do therapy to help recover from the bad memories of my ex, and we have so much fun together, he made me laugh when I haven’t in over a decade, he’s always telling his friends how happy he is and that I’m the women he’s always been waiting for the women of his dreams and tells me how beautiful I am even though I’m not and am over weight. He now works from home (we live together) and popped to the shop and left his laptop open I stupidly looked at his emails. 3 years ago there was an email (it looks like he has never deleted anything) it was from a women saying she enjoyed sex at the work conference and he had replied saying it was a one off and he never replied again she worked for a different company. At that stage we had been sleeping together for 8 weeks so about 8 times (I was still with my ex dp). I confronted him and he admitted it and said at that stage he didn’t know we would end up together and didn’t know if I would leave my dp as I said I wanted to but wasn’t sure if I was brave enough. I feel like I’ve been cheated on. Which is ridiculous as I was the one having an affair with him. My ex abusive dp used to cheat on me (along with many other awful things) and I feel like this has triggered my anxiety. And I’m gutted as I was so happy and we had even talked about marriage. I don’t know what to do now as the trust has gone and now I’m questioning if there were others but I feel a hypocrite as we were basically friends with benefits for a year and I was living with my dp and even though he was abusive I could have just left, although easier said than done when you are being abused for over a decade. Did my now dp cheat on me? If not how do I get passed this? We were so happy and now I’m an anxious mess and feel at Rock bottom as my happy ever after feels like a lie. And I’m not sure I can trust now. My dp is giving me space to think he said he is worried if we stay together this will eat me up inside. He said it was a one off mistake but he feels like an asshole and is so upset that he’s hurt me and doesn’t want me to be unhappy so will wait for me to decide. Any views?

No judgement here but..Regardless of whether your ex partner was abusive or not, your “friend” still willingly slept with you knowing you had a partner. He obviously doesn’t really care too much about cheating, even if he was single. It didn’t bother him that you were cheating. However, I think you’re probably being paranoid because you were cheating and are thinking that it’s gonna happen to you. The email was 3 years ago… you’ve been with him for 2. That’s not cheating, you were the one in a relationship. Let it go don’t let it eat you up. You live once people make mistakes x

I feel like it’s a moral mess. My abusive ex was constantly cheating on me as well as being physically and mentally abusive. But then I cheated on him in a sort of friends with benefits situation as an escape from my life as at the time I was too scared to leave with a child who I was worried he would get access too. And 8 weeks in to being friends with benefits ive found out from his emails that my now dp had a one night stand but he was single we were not in any kind of relationship it was more of an exit affair on my part and him a single man. And basically him being my sounding board and emotional support. Then there’s also the part he knew I was cheating with him, he used to say he didn’t care he was just hanging around in the hope I would leave my ex to be with him or to be single and realise my worth, and then after 6 months he told me he loved me. And that gave me the strength to go on the waiting list for a shelter. And later on after therapy I moved in with dp. And he’s been amazing in every way. But I have anxiety and this is now eating me up.

My head is telling me to end things as it’s made me anxious he could lie to me but my heart is saying everything has been amazing since I left my ex and I feel me and dp are so compatible it’s a shame to give it up on something that happened 3 years ago when we had just started being friends with benefits in an awful and complicated situation

I think you need to forget about it.

You've already said it was a friends with benefits situation.

You were in another relationship so you really don't have much of a leg to stand on.

Why would you let a one night stand when you went to even together ruin your relationship with what sounds like a pretty nice bloke?

I can understand how you feel your trust was broken. However, nowadays, people seem to state that they’re ‘exclusive’ before committing to one person. It happened early in your relationship, and as he says, he didn’t know then it was going to be long term.

Has he given you any reason not to trust him since? If he has been faithful since, then you should put this behind you.

I think you're being very unfair. You were only 8 weeks into a friends with benefits situation and you were already in another relationship yourself.

FWB and a relationship are different things. If he has done nothing else in that time to make you distrust him, then I would forget about it and move on.

I guess I’m just sad he lied to me. And now I have trust issues. I asked him at the beginning if he was sleeping with anyone else and he said no. But then 8 weeks into the arrangement he had a one night stand. But we weren’t in a relationship, I was with someone else. That’s why I’m confused as I know it wasn’t cheating but why does it feel like it? he’s helped me so much to get out of an awful situation, there were times where I told him I was too scared to leave my ex and ended our arrangement but he still supported me as a friend and I always ended up asking him to stick by me. He used to have to trust me that I wasn’t sleeping with my dp and he never questioned me. He used to take me out on dates and always trying to cheer me up even though there was no guarantee I would leave my dp. And now He even babysits so I can go out with friends once a month in our mums group something I could never do in my last relationship. And cooks because I hate cooking and lots of other nice things

I would just forget about it. You sound like you really like this man and he makes you happy. Don’t let your past traumas ruin the present. You can never really be sure about anyone, but this man sounds like he might be good for you. Good luck.

OP your being way too self conscious and these past insecurities your letting surface back up could potentionally ruin a good thing you've got.

8 weeks in was so early. You was still in a relationship and your now dp had his reservations about how things would turn out. Did you even agree to be exclusive 8 weeks in? If not there really is nothing to worry about. as you said it's been a one off and you've had two years of bliss. Dont let your past destroy this.

What I would address though is the fact that you checked his emails behind his back. You know behaviour like that can breach someones trust and he could of very easily, and understandably, been annoyed at you for this. He has shown you no reason to doubt you, so dont doubt him.

Enjoy being happy op. Let your guard down a little. He isnt your ex.

I think you're being unfair OP. Why would you chuck away what you have now? He sounds ok to me, good relationships sometimes have slightly messy starts.

Thank you so much for the replies it’s actually made me cry as I feel there is hope. I wish I never checked his emails, he said the same but gave me a hug and said it’s done now but he feels awful for hurting me. He’s currently sleeping on the sofa and working from the lounge to give me space but I’ve gone to stay at my mums as I kept crying. I think it’s hit me so hard as it’s bought back memories of my ex, he used to constantly cheat and deny it has it left me on a constant alert. That’s how I’m feeling now ☹️

The start of our relationship was messy and I think that’s why I’m confused. Hes took a lot over the last 2 years even supporting me through a messy custody battle and I’ve had times where I’ve been suicidal because of my past abuse and he’s just always been there caring for me in the background

It's hard to define cheating when it's a complicated situation like this one. I can understand it's new information to you and you're shocked by it as he said he wasn't sleeping with anyone else.
He's explained he didn't know if you would be together as he didn't know of you would leave your partner. He told the woman it was a one off. This was very early on.

He sounds great and commited. He's been very supportive. I would focus on all of that and what you have together. There will be times you'll feel hurt by this but try not to let it cancel out all of the good.

I think you have had quite a complex few years and its all hitting you now and the trauma of it all is finally catching up with you. I think you need a bit of time to heal. Your DP is NOT your ex. He slept with someone else when you were just friends and he regrets it. We all make mistakes and screw up...none of us are perfect. He didn't tell you because it meant nothing to him and he didn't want to hurt you. Take some time out to try to heal your own battered emotions. If you break up with him over this you may well end up deeply regretting it.

I don’t really think he did lie to you - he actually wasn’t sleeping with anyone in a regular sense, or seeing anyone - it was a one night stand, which can just happen, and doesn’t really fit with a plan/intent to do so - perhaps by omission but it wasn’t massively relevant at that point to what you two were and how it was all going to pan out.
Rarely can I say this, but he sounds a star - totally acknowledging he’s upset you, not trying to turn it around to all about you looking at his mails, plus the rest you say he is like with you.
But you can’t help how you feel, and if you can’t get past it, or it’s broken something you can’t get back, then it’s better to leave than keep trying and torturing each other by not returning to your happy place together ever. There’s no right or wrong in this for either of you, nothing can be changed and it’s whether you can move past it effectively with him. Good luck.

Thank you so much for the replies it’s really helping to see a perspective from the outside. I have no friends or family I can speak to about this as it’s so personal. No one was aware I was having an affair everyone thinks I met him post ex dp while I was living in a refuge. As I was still working throughout this so everyone just assumes we started dating then from knowing each other at work. Such a complicated situation and I’m not proud of having an affair, but in some ways it saved my life as it took an affair to make me leave a relationship so awful that it still gives me nightmares. I hate that we met through an affair but I guess life is never perfect and maybe that’s what I need to remember. I guess finding this out shattered my illusion that dp was the perfect man knight in shining armour, but I was not perfect either and in a way he has been my knight in shining armour. He always used to say at the beginning if we didn’t with out long term he would still not regret what we went through as I would be free from my ex and no longer living in fear

Heyday I think you are right everything is hitting me now. I went from an abusive situation straight into a full blown relationship I did do therapy and thought I was ok but today my emotions are all over the place. Everyone is right he’s not my ex, I think I am so untrusting of people it’s really hard

I really don't think you could expect to be exclusive after just 8 weeks when you were in a relationship yourself. It's a pity he didn't tell you once your relationship got more serious, but it sounds like you had enough on your plate emotionally.

Thank you MsJinks that’s really helpful. I’m going to give things a try and see if I can get past this as I love him to bits. He’s a sensible chap he said if I can’t get past it he doesn’t want us to destroy each other so he will leave me to decide. He said he would still be there for me as a friend if I felt I couldn’t get passed this

You weren't in an exclusive relationship then. But I can totally understand why you feel betrayed. Your memory of the early days of your relationship has been tainted. It's now different to how you remember it. Like something has been taken away.

But in reality he was single, you hadn't committed to each other, you didn't even know if you would leave your ex.

He didn't go out and seek another relationship, he wasn't online dating. It was a one night stand. His message makes it pretty clear that's all he considered it to be.

@Confused50slady01 by the sounds if things youd be silly not too. For once he seems like a really reasonable, level headed and respectful guy towards you. And mns is usually the pinnacle of a place to tell you to LTB. You've yet to have anyone tell you that, that in itself must show you something

One thing I hate is now I feel like I want to check his phone which I have never done before. Part of me wants to check there were no others, the other part of me doesn’t want to know. I hate feeling like this 😞

He didn't cheat as you weren't in a relationship with him at the time. You were with someone else and he was just a FWB. If this occurred after the two of you established that you were only seeing/sleeping with each other then it would have been cheating.

I personally wouldn't ever date multiple men at once and find the whole "are we exclusive" conversation ridiculous (since the moment I begin exploring something with someone I automatically would only be focusing on that person and would hope for the same in return)...so I can understand why you would feel upset...but this 'exclusivity chat' seems to be the approach that most people take nowadays and at that point you weren't committed to each other, you weren't even committed at that point to leaving the abusive relationship you were in, so if you are now happy you should let it go. He hasn't broken your trust as you weren't even in an actual relationship with him at the time.

I'm sorry though...no advice on how to get past it. If you still believe on some level it was cheating then you probably won't be able to. If in the end you realize/feel that he didn't (and it also sounds like there hasn't been any reason not to trust him after the two of you had the exclusive talk) then there isn't any reason not to trust him and should just put it behind you

He would probably show me his phone if I asked him. I hate feeling like I now want to invade his privacy. I guess I’m worried things are too good to be true. I had an awful life with my ex, and I finally feel happy and I’m so scared it will all get ruined