Do kids see true colours of parents eventually?

[Mummybunny2000]

To put it simply, I have my 9mnth old son 24:7 as I still live at home. I do everything for him etc and our bond is super strong. He sees his dad and we were in a relationship but he has a nasty side to him. He can be horrible and rude for no reason.. prioritises other things where as I always put my son first. (Not sure he sees it this way but it’s the truth) … and whenever we have a fallout and he doesn’t get his own way he comes out with “well I want him on my own for a few hours”. Just to clarify, he hasn’t had him on his own because we were in a relationship so no need, but whenever there’s a falling out he comes out with this to get at me rather than just wanting to spend time alone. Otherwise he’d ask to have him on his own even when we were on good terms right? But it’s only ever when he doesn’t get his own way. Also, I don’t feel comfortable to leave DS for that time as he’s breastfed, clingy, and his dad has proven that he can’t settle him or provide comfort (hands back to me anytime there’s a small moan) and won’t feed him because he’s scared. He’s not a terrible dad but it works better if I do everything and he just visits.

He’s manipulative but I don’t allow it anymore so call him out, he has strops and can be spiteful and can sometimes make my life a living hell.

ANYWAY!!! My question is… will my darling son see the true colours of his dad one day? I wouldn’t be the woman to tell my child what an ars* his dad is.. but I just hope he sees it for himself one day because it worries me that his dad will try and turn him against me. When I say one day, I mean when he’s much older.. any experience with children/teens seeing the true colours ? So upset and worried

His dads become a nasty man but I’d never stop contact, just don’t want my son thinking i was the bad guy because I’d do anything for him.

It depends if you lie to cover for his dad and minimise the poor behaviour with stuff like "oh daddy doesn't realise that would upset you" , or whether you would be clear and honest in an age appropriate way?

If you withhold information and mislead him then it would be very difficult for him to see and understand the truth.

Also you say you'd "never stop contact" . Are you sure about "never" ? Not if it were in your son's best interests to be protected from an abusive man?

Don't make your decisions based on avoiding temporary discomfort or fear of being seen as the "bad guy" , as that is usually what creates the situation you want to avoid in the long term.

Same as you wouldn't let a child live on ice cream or play tennis across the central reservation of a motorway - yeh, they grump at you when you say no, but it's still in their best interests to say no.

@user16395699 when I say I’d never stop contact, I mean that I’d never stop my son seeing his dad just because his dad is nasty to me as that’s a separate issue. If anything came up that was in the best interest of my son and meant I’d need to stop contact then I definitely would! I just meant for that reason.

I agree with the not covering for him, I didn’t think of it that way. I just assumed I would be the bad guy for being honest about his nastiness. I don’t want to upset my son but also, when my sons 18 for example.. I think it would really hurt him to know how his dad treated me. He’s not violent but he’s emotionally abusive and just a vile person at times

Thank you for your advice

How do you react when he makes the threat? Remember for him the pay off is you being fearful. I don’t know how your son will relate to his father when older but how you manage your relationship with his father, will help him navigate his.

DD loves her father and likes spending time with him but she does admit that he’s a father in name only and their relationship is conditional. How do you build a meaningful relationship with someone who sees you as an option and not a priority.

@AgentJohnson when he makes the threat I follow it up with “no we will just stick to the arrangements we had” but then he turns it into the whole “you’re not letting me see my kid” which isn’t true at all. He’s never followed through with the threats though, he said today would be the day when he has him alone. But never texted or made an effort so I took my son over to his mums where he was and he saw him there. No mention of it. Completely ignored me. He wants to “be with me” but treats me like this. I’m only 20 so it’s hard to cope with all this stress when I’m being full time carer to my son. Just don’t want my darling boy to ever put me down as being bad whilst thinking the son shines out of his dads arse.. that’s my absolute fear at any point in the future.

Your daughter said that unprompted by you ?

@choli, yes she did. Unfortunately, your father terminating contact with you when you were 8, yet excitedly contacting you to announce that he was now the proud father of a son, lends a certain level of pragmatism. There’s a backstory of DV and him generally being absent. However, we were very fortunate that she had access to a child phycologist who she could work through her trauma with.

I was the one who had to answer her questions because he chose to be unavailable. Which with hindsight helped because she wasn’t subjected to his victim routine. I take no joy from DD’s pragmatism but I’d much prefer it over her pining over someone who sees her as just an option.

I just assumed I would be the bad guy for being honest about his nastiness

You won't be the bad guy as long as you don't badmouth him. Telling the age-appropriate truth is much better, because then when all the little odd inconsistencies turn up he won't be thinking "but this doesn't make sense because mum said he was nice". He'll be prepared and that gives a lot of stability and he will know he has one adult in his life who will tell him the truth, even if it's hard. Very reassuring for the long term.

My ex does not know how to handle conflict at all. The younger boy sometimes hides under the stairs when it's time to go to his house and thinks he doesn't love him. When we speak, I take him on my lap and say that Papa does love him, but that he doesn't know how to show it. But that he does. When the ex says mean things, I say (and try to model) kinder behavious and say "Papa said that, do you think that was a nice thing to say? do you think it was true? Papa loves you but he doesn't always know how to do or say the right thing, which is why it's so important to try to say the right things ourselves, because it hurts when people don't"

When it comes to the children's grandad, who has never even met the youngest, when questions come up I say that unfortunately Grandad doesn't know how to be a good Grandad and sadly, he doesn't know how to love them, which is a real shame because my goodness, they are lovely boys. My oldest got very sad about it and was angry with me, until in the end I said the truth: that Grandad had not asked to see them in 10 years and has never asked to see the youngest. So we send him birhtday and xmas cards because I owe him that much for being my Papa when I was small, but beyond that we put our energy and love into the people who ~do~ love us, like their Papa's mam and pa. The oldest cried a bit, but has accepted it now and moved on.

it's hard for them, but this way they aren't being fed a pile of shit about someone loving them when they clearly don't. IN the long run this is a cleaner and better way.

sorry for the essay.

Sorry I've written an essay! Tldr version: your DC will find the truth IF you encourage them to speak about their feelings and tell them it's OK to feel. EG if after contact they say "I don't think daddy likes me" - my mum would have said "don't be so silly, of course he does!" which just invalidated my feelings and frankly I'm 48 and still have trouble with recognising my own feelings. Better response: "Why do you think that darling?"

And now the essay!
Some people never realise the true character of a parent. I knew my dad was a cunt all along - emotionally, physically and sexually abusive. It took me until my 40s to realise that my mum is absolutely toxic as well, and in many ways her abuse has had a bigger effect on my mental health because it was just low level enough for me to think it was normal, iykwim.

My DS has been with me since I got with his dad when he was 5. His mum walked out when he was 3. She's a textbook narc. DS kept trying to make it work, he would arrange to visit her, I'd drive him there with a suitcase for a planned week - 2 days later he'd call asking us to come and get him because she was being unbearable. Screaming in his face, gaslighting him about it, being all loving in public then knocking him about at home. After his dad died when he was 13 she wouldn't let him speak about his grief, she'd just tell him "I don't know why you're missing that twat, I'm glad he's dead".

Anyway, sorry, he has now realised the true colours of both her and his dad. This was due to getting really good counselling with his school doing a referral to camhs, and then his counsellor at camhs onto a service for young adults where he saw a psychiatrist weekly.

Recognising that his dad wasn't a good parent and did a lot of stuff wrong was hard and painful, especially because his dad was gone - there will never be an opportunity for him to say "dad you did xyz when I was little and you made me feel like shit."

I have been able to give him an honest, but somewhat sanitised picture of his dad. His dad did have an incredibly hard life - but it's not an excuse, is it? I have tried to be truthful, but I have not been completely open, because there were things in my H's past that he said he never wanted DS to know about. And I've considered that it wouldn't help DS in any way to know these things, so I have kept silent.

But I have also been open with DS about his dad's many good qualities. For example, he was always quick to help anyone who was struggling, he had been badly bullied at school and that made him always want to defend anyone being picked on. And those examples are traits DS has inherited from him.

I'm guessing your ex is around the same age as you, so pretty young for a 1st child. People do a lot of growing up in their 20s, so it's possible that he might give his head a wobble and become a great dad. Possible, but sadly not likely from what you've said - he sounds abusive and actually I'd really recommend doing the Freedom Programme online so you'll be alert to red flags in any future relationships 🌸