Dating - what would you do?

[natis]

Need some help!!

So I went on a first date with a guy before the pandemic then with social distancing etc it sort of fizzled out (I was shielding) but we always kept in touch on social media. Last night we went on a second date....it was nice enough and we had a good laugh and a brief kiss at the end (we're both fully vaccinated).

Last night he asked me out again on Saturday night and I felt a bit on the spot and agreed but now I'm not sure.

There are 2 reasons:

1. I'm not sure if I fancy him enough but don't find him unattractive
2. he's quite a big drinker and I'm not so much. Had a bit of a hangover this morning and realised why I'm not a big drinker. However, he's now saying it's a shame we only had "a few" last night and at least on Saturday we can have a "bigger night" and "make a night of it"

So now I'm wondering, do I just explain that I had fun but don't think we're compatible and cancel. Or do I continue to see him but say I'm not up for a big night of drinking??

I've been single for a while and don't want to throw away a guy how is really funny and seems genuine but at the same time is there any point in trying to change things if that's how he likes to socialise??

For context I'm 38, he's 42 both have kids so as much as I sound like a bore I feel like I'm over that partying stage of my life! Or is it usual for dating to start like this then be less about going out and getting drunk??

Depends how much you want to go. You could go to see if you do fancy him or not since you're not sure, but say you don't usually drunk that much and have drinks at your own pace.
If you know deep down you're not really interested then call it quits before you get more involved.

Probably tell him it's not working for you.
1.you don't really fancy him
2.has a high probability of being an alcoholic /drunk.

Noo. He’s not the one. This is him on his best behaviour trying to impress you

Dump and move on

I wouldn’t, you don’t fancy him and he drinks more than you’d like. As a pp said, this is him on best behaviour.

You're right. I just get the impression he thinks this is what I'd want so want sure whether to explain or just call it quits.....

Even if I explain and we had a different type of date this time we're still different people.

I'm just paranoid I'm being an old bore!!

@Suzi888

I wouldn’t, you don’t fancy him and he drinks more than you’d like. As a pp said, this is him on best behaviour.

I think if it was just the issue of not fancying him I'd give it a few more dates as i do like him and he's not unattractive...

He genuinely seems honest and like a good guy, great dad etc but it's the combination of the 2 things.

Wasn't sure if I was being harsh

You could always say that you don't fancy a night on the lash and suggest a meal out instead. If he accepts it'll give you a chance to see if there is a spark but if he says he wants to drink instead (red flag) you can politely decline and say goodbye

Cancel and forget him.

If it was me I wouldn't want to go. Firstly you don't seem to fancy him, and you clearly aren't keen on a night out drinking. You are not an old bore! I used to be so scared to say that I didnt want to drink alcohol when I was younger, as everyone did it and if you didn't you were seen as boring. I just never enjoyed that kind of night out, and still don't. I'd rather go and sit in a library than have a night out on the lash, and now I'm proud of that!! Don't do what you dont want to do just to keep someone else happy. Good luck op, you sound nice 😄

Women here are so negative about men. They deep down don't want you to have a relationship with a man, any man, likely because they've been burnt in the past and there's some projection going on. So I'd take the early responses on this thread with a grain of salt tbh.

Some men are slow burners. You need more than one date to figure out if this guy's a good one. Try for one more date and be honest about what you want and who you are. "I'm not much of a drinker, but I'd be up for dinner or a walk on the moors if you are".

Maybe he's hoping alcohol will get him laid?

I'd probably leave it, but I suppose you could say "oh that's not my sort of thing, I'm not much of a drinker" and see what he comes back with.

I'm just paranoid I'm being an old bore!!

Drinking isn't the only way of being interesting!
Personally, heavy drinking would put me off, but perhaps one more date to see?

Yes, he likely wants to use alcohol as a means of getting laid. Make him work harder than that, they love a challenge.

If it was me, I'd not want to see him again. I'm not a drinker either so his drinking would be a problem for me as I don't like being around intoxicated people. But he also sounds immature. Before I read his age I assumed you were talking about a man in his early 20s, not a man in his 40s with kids. No, thank you...

Do what @forumdonkey says.

Good relationships don't start with having to post on a forum about how to communicate your personality to the other person. Regardless of the issue.

If you're having to say it here, saying it to him isn't your first port of call, and it would be if you were compatible.

Perhaps he drinks for confidence. Have one more date and ask more questions and you’ll get a better for feel for whether you genuinely like him or not, have things in common etc

Why not reply and say "hey I need to be fresh for something I've got arranged on Sunday. I'm not a big drinker"
You could leave it at that or add "do you fancy a meal / bowling?"
His reply will give you more of an indication.

More data is required for analysis before writing him off, therefore I would agree with previous poster who said to text suggesting alternatives to a big booze up.

I think one more boozy date would be fine if you think it would be fun. But after that suggest a day time date - a walk round a museum or gallery and see how that goes.

I personally do need a few dates sometimes to decide whether I fancy the person. (Sometimes it's apparent on the first date, but it sounds as though you're not sure yet).