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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help Please Wise Ones

13 replies

ConfusedSoMuch · 12/08/2021 17:34

Ok, please don't flame me. I've seen some similar threads from a women's perspective and often the OP gets told they are out of line. But I guess I just need some perspective.

I'm mid to late 30s and in a sexless marriage with my DW which I'm trying to solve. She says that she isn't that interested in sex but when we had it 3 years ago she said she enjoyed it. I think she is just saying that not to hurt my feelings.

I guess over the past couple of years, I've noticed that she pays compliments to women a lot. And its becoming more frequent. So last month when it was hot we were driving down the road and saw a woman and said "she has a lovely bottom, its amazing". This week she commented on some women on the TV being "stunningly beautiful"

I don't know why but it makes me feel a bit weird. Like if I said that about a woman then it wouldn't be ok but then the comparison would be me saying it about a man and I don't think I would do that. I might say Daniel Craig has a good body I guess... so maybe i am being silly.

But anyway.. thoughts on same sex compliments. I dont think she "fancies" me anymore I guess :(

OP posts:
Lady08 · 12/08/2021 17:44

You are far too young to be in a sexless relationship OP. There’s nothing wrong with complimenting other women. Are you concerned about her sexuality? If so, have an honest conversation with her about this. If you don’t want to remain in a sexless marriage, you are more than entitled to walk away.

cheapskatemum · 12/08/2021 17:54

What @Lady08 said. For perspective, I wouldn't be commenting on other women's bottoms to my husband. Maybe she is hinting to you that she is lesbian.

JustAnother0ldMan · 12/08/2021 17:58

My marriage became sexless in my mid 30’s, I hung on 2 years hoping it would change, was a terrible mistake.

You need to have honest discussion, if you haven’t had sex for 3 years, it’s probably not going to get any better any time soon, as PP says you are fully entitled to walk away if it’s not working for I’m sure you didn’t get married to become celibate.

me4real · 12/08/2021 17:59

'She has a lovely bottom' if it was phrased that way does imply your wife isn't just impartially assessng it IMHO, but finds it attractive in that way.

I think she'd deny being attracted to women if you asked though, but you might as well I suppose.

girlmama32 · 12/08/2021 18:16

I probably wouldn't comment on other woman in that way to my husband, but then I don't look at other woman in that way. Are you worried about her sexuality being the reason you haven't had sex?
Has your sex life always been this way and has she always made comments on other woman or is this a recent thing?
I think you need to raise it with her and have an honest and frank conversation, mid to late 30's is too young to be in a sexless marriage IMO.

Original poster
ConfusedSoMuch · 13/08/2021 10:49

Sex life always been a bit stale I guess - never more than once a month and naively I put a lot of it down to being young, and career hungry and always busy doing things etc.

I guess the comments as only really happened over the past few years. There is no way I would just come out and say something. She can be very stern and aggressive and it wouldn't go down well. Maybe I could just mention it in passing - like saying "oh do you find her attractive".

I found a note in her work bag that was like a love poem from someone a couple of years ago. I thought it was a bit strange, maybe a joke or something. I asked a close friend what they thought and they told me not to worry as the writing looked female....!

OP posts:
natis · 13/08/2021 11:00

Maybe she's insecure and comparing herself to these other women thinking how much better they look than her?

If she's that insecure about herself it may also mean she doesn't feel like having sex?

Notagain20 · 13/08/2021 11:03

@ConfusedSoMuch

Sex life always been a bit stale I guess - never more than once a month and naively I put a lot of it down to being young, and career hungry and always busy doing things etc.

I guess the comments as only really happened over the past few years. There is no way I would just come out and say something. She can be very stern and aggressive and it wouldn't go down well. Maybe I could just mention it in passing - like saying "oh do you find her attractive".

I found a note in her work bag that was like a love poem from someone a couple of years ago. I thought it was a bit strange, maybe a joke or something. I asked a close friend what they thought and they told me not to worry as the writing looked female....!

Why are you staying with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you, is stern and aggressive and you can't talk to them about really fundamental aspects of your relationship?

Are you frightened of being single?

SilverRoe · 13/08/2021 11:07

Are you implying you think she might prefer women sexually? Especially with the love note type discovery?

HollysBush · 13/08/2021 11:12

My thoughts on Same sex complements. DH and I will comment to each other on others we find attractive, whatever sex. We are heterosexual. But seams there’s more problems in your relationship than just this I’m afraid.

Themadcatparade · 13/08/2021 11:13

Bit of a strange one this!

Communication is vital in a relationship, I was going to suggest sitting down and having a genuine chat about what you have mentioned here but it sounds as if you are frightened of how she will react? And that she can be aggressive?

You should be able to safely reside any concerns In relationship. Sex and intimacy is very important, and can impact massively in the long term when things like this aren’t addressed. You at least deserve an answer as to why she doesn’t bother as much as you deserve.

Original poster
ConfusedSoMuch · 13/08/2021 11:15

@natis I think your comment is spot on now you've said it. I think that's exactly it. Now that we don't have a physical relationship she wont let me see her naked. She actively stops me - closes the door etc.

@Notagain20 Pretty much yes. I've been struggling recently, especially with lockdown. At the moment I'm just trying to get better

OP posts:
Notagain20 · 13/08/2021 12:45

What other support do you have, family or friends? You will likely feel much better about yourself if you're not with someone who is rejecting you this way. Whether she's attracted to women or just not attracted to you, or has issues with her body, is far less important than the fact that she won't talk to you about any of it and she's made you afraid to say what's on your mind. I'm sorry you're struggling

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