Tell me my kids will be ok

[MumofLandD]

I've posted before about my OH and how he has been treating me and I finally had enough after having therapy and realising I wasn't all the horrible things he said and that he is the one with issues. It's not my job to fix him and nor should I put up with the way he speaks to me.
So he is buying a flat, me and the kids are staying in the house, with me paying half the mortgage and we will share the kids 50/50.
Today we sat the kids (age 7 and 10) down and explained that mummy and daddy argue too much and that if Dad lived in a separate nearby place we will all be happier. That we both still love them and that it will all be fine. I think my 10 yo knew but he was so upset and now I feel so guilty :(

They absolutely will be okay. They just need to know they are loved and supported, that it's okay to have all the emotions and that mummy and daddy are always there for them no matter what.

It might take a while - my own kids were very accepting but we did have some unsettled behaviour for a good year or so afterwards, but on the whole, they're more resilient than we give them credit for and also more astute than we like to think. If it's not been a happy household then it will be a good thing for them.

My DS coped marvelously and is a well-adjusted boy. His father lives nearby and sees DS daily. Ex DH and I are on good terms and don’t argue. This has helped DS enormously. The first year was tough for us all but we settled into a routine.

The most healing thing you can do is be there for them to express how they feel and be a compassionate loving figure in their life, which it sounds like you very much are.

I recently heard a statement that children aren't traumatised by hurt, they are traumatised by being alone with their hurt. Connection, compassion and communication is healing and protective.

Mine were 4 & 5, after initial upset they were fine, and now 4 years later are not phased at all. XH and I have a decent relationship, we have the dc 50/50 but are flexible if something comes up, we live really close so often see outside of contact time anyway.

It is always better to have 2 happy households than 1 unhappy one

Don't ever confuse them not liking something with "damage". I'm sure they don't like the idea of their parents splitting up and will feel sad about it for a while. But the benefit of growing up in a calm, contented household - without tension between the parents they love, without arguments, without a shitty example of what relationships look like - more than outweighs that period of adjustment. Bad relationships can really harm kids. Divorce does not have to - even if they don't like the idea much.