Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my dp looking for someone new?

22 replies

ohsuzannah · 12/08/2021 13:50

My dp and I have been together for 18 years. After about 3 years he decided he didn't want to have sex with me anymore, which really hurt, but I stayed with him because I was very fond of his mother and the rest of his family. We don't live together, he's got his own flat, but I don't go there much because he has cats and it always stinks of litter trays. He helps me out quite a bit, as I've become increasingly disabled over the years with arthritis. He is also better off than me and occasionally lends me money.
Lately, he's been smartening himself up, buying new clothes and going to the gym, he's also sent me pics of stuff he's bought for his flat, which now looks quite nice!
I've suspected for some time that he might be using escorts, but that's a different story.
I'm now wondering if he's either met someone or is looking for a new woman!
Sorry it's a bit long Sad

OP posts:
BadLad · 12/08/2021 13:57

I think there's quite a high chance that he is.

Sounds like the relationship has fizzled out to a friendship. You don't live together, don't have sex. It's good that you get on with his family and that he helps you, but from what you've said, there isn't any romance at all any more. So it certainly isn't put of the question that he's not going to be satisfied with that for the rest of his life.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 12/08/2021 13:59

Well unless he is buying dcat litter or bulk buying air fresheners his quest is futile imo!!

gamerchick · 12/08/2021 14:07

Sorry OP, it doesnt sound as if you have a relationship. It fizzled out a long time ago.

You can stay in touch with his family, there's nothing stopping that.

NotWanting · 12/08/2021 14:10

This must be incredibly hard for you OP. What has made you stay all these years ?

Greenrubber · 12/08/2021 14:28

You stayed because you get on with his family?
This is not a relationship

Aprilx · 12/08/2021 14:31

Kindly, I don’t think he is your DP, I think he is your friend and has been just that for a long time.

Suprima · 12/08/2021 14:35

I’m so sorry, but he’s not your DP. How are you partners in anything? You don’t have sex, you don’t live together.

I think you broke up a while ago and he’s kept you hanging on.

Shuffleuplove · 12/08/2021 14:42

I really hope he is! And that he lets you be free to go and have a proper relationship.

Window1 · 12/08/2021 14:47

What is it about your relationship that makes it a relationship?

Don't live together after 18 years, don't have sex. What do you do and is this what you wanted?

Skyla2005 · 12/08/2021 14:59

Your relationship was over when he told you he no longer wanted sex with you. Why on earth would you stay after that. You need to work on your self confidence and self esteem. Of course he will find someone else he probably has all along

Bellyups · 12/08/2021 15:01

Sorry op but you aren’t even in a relationship. Friends at best.

ZZGirl · 12/08/2021 15:03

You're not a couple.
You've not had sex in 15 years, you don't live together, you rely on him for care and help and nothing else.
You're best friends and I think you both deserve to find love.

Fluffymule · 12/08/2021 15:22

You said you were hurt when he decided he didn't want a sexual relationship with you 15 years ago. It sounds like you may have put your own wants and needs aside for an awfully long time to settle for friendship instead of a romantic and intimate relationship.

Perhaps now is the time to stop wondering what he might want or be doing, and focus on what is best for you? What do you want? Is it time to start looking for a partner who is more than a friend?

premium77 · 12/08/2021 15:22

This is a friendship not a relationship

JustGiveMeGin · 12/08/2021 15:36

Kindly OP, he has probably been having a sexual relationship with other women for the past 15 years.
You are friends at best, nothing in your post suggests a relationship.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 12/08/2021 15:45

I'm sorry OP but he sounds like more of a friend than a partner.

Are you physically intimate in other ways? Do you go out on dates and and discuss your feelings for each other? Sorry for the questions but I'm just struggling to see why you think he is your partner.

seensome · 12/08/2021 15:51

It's more a friendship isn't it, doesn't mean couldn't still be friends but look to move on yourself, possibly he is but this no way to live if your wanting more from a relationship anyway. Time to have the official it's over chat I think.

Allthelights · 12/08/2021 15:52

Can you just remain friends with him as it seems that’s all he wants?

JustAnother0ldMan · 12/08/2021 18:01

Sorry, but I would say he already got someone new, given new clothes, gym, updated home decor etc,

RainbowTurd · 12/08/2021 18:36

I'm sorry OP but this isn't a relationship. You don't have sex, don't live together. Sounds like he checked out of the relationship 15 years ago. Cut your self free and give your self a chance of real love.

Original poster
ohsuzannah · 12/08/2021 23:22

Sorry I haven't been back!
The unanimous opinions seem to be that it's over anyway as a relationship. Looking back now I should have ended it when we stopped having sex. We weren't very well matched in bed as I wanted it more than him and he found it a bit much I think!
Thank you all for your answers Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
ohsuzannah · 12/08/2021 23:23

Oh, and I'm going to start looking around, lockdown is over, I'm free to meet someone else if I want now!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page