Help after moving on from violent husband

[MrsTomDelonge]

I have posted a few times on this board, under a different name. I'm not quite sure if it's relevant to this topic but please let me know if there's a better board to post on.

I left my STBXH last year with our then baby DD after a serious violent incident in which he nearly killed me in addition to 100s of 'lesser' aggression over the course of our relationship.

I moved in with my parents but it is just a totally unsuitable place to live. If it was just me, I probably could have dealt with it but it's so unsuitable for a child that I ended up returning out of frustration.

I lasted 6 months trying to fix things with him but leopards absolutely do not change their spots.

I'm back now with my parents again with my now toddler DD. It's even worse now she's walking.

The set up is totally unsuitable because:

• they run dog boarding so various dogs in and out of the house at all times. My DM is so blasé about them being around DD which terrifies me.
• because of the dogs, the house is filthy, especially the kitchen and living room where DD usually is. It's just never ending.
• the dogs howl and bark all day and all night. During the heatwave I had to make the decision to sleep with the window open and listen to howling all night (which kept both me and dd up) or sizzle with the window closed.
• we live in an non self contained annexe separated from the house. Dd will go to bed around 7 and then I'm just stuck in the house. I can't cook myself dinner, I have to rely on my DM to bring a tray over for me when they eat. The annexe has a small lounge and bathroom with a mezzanine floor bedroom. At 19 months, DD is very much ready to have her own room but there isn't even enough space upstairs for a cot for her so we are co sleeping and I get zero sleep because she wriggles so much. I play white noise for her but if I have the tv on louder than a whisper, she wakes. I can't talk to my friends because it wakes her.
• I cant cook for my DD properly because I can't put her down in the kitchen due to all the dogs/dirt.
• I struggle to get in and out of the house with DD because of the dogs at the gate

I just don't know what to do. I have poor credit due to STBXHs financial control (I took a 25k pay cut to move to his area) which I have made a plan for and am working towards improving but i don't think I could rent privately because of this. I am now back earning ok money but my child care bill is £1000 pm which eats into a huge proportion of my paycheck. At the moment I cannot claim universal credit because I'm living at home. I am trying desperately to save every penny I can to eventually buy a home when the divorce is finalised. He is refusing to pay for DD because he says he doesn't see her (his choice) and am currently going through CSA.

I have applied for social housing but have not heard anything back yet.

This situation is miserable.

I desperately need my own house but I don't think I will be a priority for social housing because I'm no longer in danger. I can feel myself becoming depressed. I am struggling to heal after the relationship because I am so stressed about my living situation.

I am eternally grateful that my parents could take DD and I in but it's just a horrible situation, especially when I spent years saving to buy my dream house, and I've had to leave it.

Any ideas on who to contact or how to help improve things would be very much appreciated. I have an appointment with my HV in 2 weeks but I'm unsure if she can help and I'm reluctant to tell her how much I'm struggling in case she becomes concerned for my DDs welfare (DD is absolutely fine).

Thank you.

Op did you work for large organisations when you were working? If so, do they have a benevolent fund for current and former employees. Worth considering in the hope of a grant.

Are you a member of a credit union? They can offer lower cost loans to members. If you can set one up and afford to make small, regular payments you’ll have a history with them if you need to apply for a loan.

With regards to moving on and healing - have you spoken to any organisations such as Women’s Aid? Their courses are helpful and you can do them online if there’s none held locally.

Good luck x

@waheythisoneisfree I am just looking at credit unions now, that's a great idea. Thank you.

No benevolent funds unfortunately.

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep I am doing the Freedom Programme which is great. But unfortunately not doing anything to help my current living situation.

You need to get your parents to write a letter informing you that they are requesting you move out as it was a temporary arrangement and you need to present this letter to your local councils housing department. They will have to help you because you’ve got a young child

@letitgo2 I have thought about this but I'm worried we will be placed somewhere like a hostel or a hotel. Am I able to turn that down and if so, will I have a black mark against my name/application? I would prefer to stay put rather than move to an equally unsuitable, temporary accommodation which will further disrupt her.

From my knowledge they’ll usually put you in temporary accommodation until a house becomes available, saying that you could always find a private landlord whilst you’re in temporary accommodation, also it would mean you could apply for universal credit.
I know temporary accommodation isn’t great but wouldn’t you rather that option than risking your daughter being around all those dogs?

You need to ask your parents to throw you out. My daughter came to me in similar circumstances with 3 very little ones. My house is clean and there are no dogs but it is far too small for 5 people. I emailed the Council informing them she had left a dangerous situation (DV etc), I'd put her up in desperation but long term it wasn't feasible due to lack of space.

She was put up in a hostel for a year which was okay, clean and very safe but small self contained unit. After a year she was re-housed in a lovely 4 bedroomed property 10 minutes down the road.

Would that be an option for you?