Living beside my mum

[Ilikeyellowpostits]

Hi all, this is very difficult for me. About a year ago I had a terrible row with my mum - I was staying with her short-term (along with my x2 DSs and my DH - think 10 nights) at her request, as we were moving houses. I had mentioned we were booked into a hotel and was barraged with we would be "odd", people would think we were "odd" and ending up with "i'll never speak to you again if you don't stay with me".

So we did stay, and on the last evening there was a significant row, culminating in her telling me to leave her house with the x2DSs at about 9pm - and chucking some of our stuff in the street after us. My DH was at work, picked us up and we checked into a hotel.

Since then, I had limited contact in the aftermath, but recognizing life is too short to row, I have increased contact somewhat - calling in for short visits with x2DSs every few weeks, and the odd phone call. My DH has said he doesn't want to speak to her anymore and has been incredibly upset about being made 'homeless'.

We are now moving back to our house - having bought and built our dream house within walking distance of my mums. My DH is very stressed about moving back, citing how my mum chucked us all out. She also has sent messages to me saying he is abusive, and he has coercive control of me, noting that I will need to escape some day and move back in with her. This is not the case at all.

Over the years I have spent a lot of time with my mum, and her expectation was that I would spend every weekend etc with her, drop in with the kids the entire time - and as and when I've tried to say no, she has decided my DH is controlling me and making me say no. Some days he has put the foot down, but believe me when I say I want some peace too!

Now I am torn about how to move back into the house when it is so close to her. My DH is a ball of nerves and anxiety. Any advice on how to proceed would be much appreciated.

If someone threw me or my children onto the street I would NEVER give the opportunity to do so again.

Sorry that should read

If someone threw me or my children onto the street I would NEVER give them the opportunity to do so again

Mmm , sound like your mum is the controlling one. Totally understand your DH’s concerns about moving close to her.

Boundaries need to be clear and firm. Time for you , DH & DC as a family is important, and while you may want to visit her it should be pre-arranged, at mutually convenient times.

If she is not understanding this, be direct and remind her that she threw you out on the streets, and that neither you nor DH have forgotten that.

Such a shame this is spoiling what should be an exciting time for you.

Support your husband. Go as LC as possible with your mum.

You need to move far away from your
abusive mother. For your own part you are enmeshed with her and she caused that to happen. You cannot heal her pain and she will continue to try and destroy you and in turn your own family.

Did she ever apologise for throwing you out with your two children late at night?
To be honest, I'd never forgive her for that. I don't believe life is too short for rows, rather life is too short to let people treat you like crap.
I understand your husband's concerns, I wouldn't like to be so close to someone who did that - I think you should put firm boundaries in place and enforce them.

You do not mention your dad here, is he still around?

What is your DH suggesting that you do instead of moving into the house near your mums? Or is he just saying that when you move back he wants boundaries.

You didn't have to move in with your mother, you and your husband are both adults and it was a decision you both made so you need to take responsibility for that and not offload the blame ionto your mother.
In turn, you mother throwing you out, especially late at night, was totally unreasonable and it's no wonder you and your husband are angry about it.
But come on, the pair of you are adults. You considered you were responsible enough to have and raise 2 children. And your husband is too scared to move into a house near his mother in law!! He doesn't have to speak to her or have her in his home when he's there, so what is he scared of? Just book the moving vans, get your stuff in and enjoy living in your dream house. It's not like it has to be forever, if it doesn't work out, you can sell up and move.

Gosh she sounds very manipulative and abusive. I’m team DH. It’s your dream home that is finally ready so you obviously need to move into it, but I would set clear boundaries and only see her every 4th or 3rd weekend. Be very clear about that and let her know it’s nothing to do with your DH and that if she continues to disparage him you won’t be visiting. Hard but you’ll have to hold your ground and be prepared for many dramatics!

Thanks for the responses so far.

I have stopped talking to my mum multiple times over the years and have worked very hard to create boundaries. About five years ago I was very ill, and she was very supportive - but when it became time for us to move pass being ill, and normality to resume - well it didn't, and I was so busy working / mothering / surviving after a serious illness, I didn't see the red flags as clearly as I should have done.

@SofaSpuds, yes she has apologised to me however it is caveated. I grew up in a home with some domestic violence instances, and her explanation was that she felt triggered having a man in the house (i.e. my DH). No idea what she will think when my DSs grow up to be men like their dad!

@AttilaTheMeerkat, no my parents are divorced and my dad moved country many years ago. I have limited contact with him, he just upped and left when I was 12 and I had two younger siblings to look after. I think this is why I have always bent over backwards for my mum - money was tight, life was tough - and I wanted to create a better life across my family group.

@Brown76, my DH just wants boundaries. If it doesn't work out, he would like to sell the house - but his main thing is he wants to enjoy his home.