Estranged parent And end of life

[Soberanne]

I have been estranged from my parent for over 10 years and i wish i had went NC many many years before that. My mum is now however getting on in years, isnt in good health and is in and out of hospital. I know that sooner rather than later she will be hospitalised with a DNR Order and i will be contacted.

Would you go and a visit her on her death bed or would you avoid and leave well alone. Would you attend the funeral.

Well, what do you want to do? Either seeing her or not seeing her, going to the funeral or not are valid choices. You can do whatever you choose.

because of course it doesn't feel as simple as that, but that's the long and short of it really. It really is up to you.

I went. Was NC after a row over my choice of partner (turns out my dad was right after all and he was an arsehole). Went to see him in the hospice on the Saturday, spent all day there on the Sunday, and he died around 5am on the Monday with me holding his hand.

Don’t regret it for a second. I believe you have hands to welcome you into the world and if possible should have hands to let you go, no matter the circumstances. Had to swallow a lot of pride, but in the two hours of lucidity he had, we cleaned the slate. I also went to the funeral - had a couple of raised eyebrows but nothing aggressive. He was my dad and I had as much right as anyone else to say goodbye.

No to both. I've been NC about 6yrs.

I'm in a similar situation OP. Estranged from my dad for many years. He's not seriously ill but has bad health and is elderly. Do you have any siblings? I have a brother and I know that when the inevitable happens, we'll deal with it together because I won't leave it all to my brother but thats the only reason. I don't feel as though I owe my dad anything and I don't feel as though I will need any closure from his departure. He's been gone from my life for so long already and I have accepted that.
These are tough decisions to make I know.

I am NC with my family of origin. The major problem is my narc sister who causes trouble at every turn. My DM was highly abusive when I was a kid, but I have made peace with this. However I couldn't deal with my sister any more and her endless histrionics and awful behaviour. My sister took over everything to do with the DM and was orchestrating one drama after another. I will not be visiting my DM who is now very old and I will not be attending any funerals.

It's a tough decision to make. If you have some good memories of happy times, of times she made an effort with you or tried to help you, despite the majority of her behaviour being damaging, I would go, focus on those and say goodbye properly. If she was really abusive, you might want to go to the funeral to mark the point in your own life where your abuser is finally physically out of this world while you have life ahead of you.

I'd also consider which might be the bigger regret: not going and wishing you had or going and wishing you hadn't bothered. Imo going with no expectation of a resolution would be less traumatic than staying away but that is entirely personal. No right or wrong.

Think about you first. Will having contact affect your mental health. They're going to die anyway and won't carry any trauma over, having to see your sister might bring back a lot of feelings which you will then have to process.

My narc sister died a couple of years ago and I didn't go and see her, although she asked me to, because seeing my abusive father would have affected me greatly and I had to protect myself.

Sounds mercenary but people don't become nice people who won't hurt you because they're dying.

I often ponder these questions too.

I've been estranged from my mother for 2 years (my dad died 4 years ago). She tries to pressure me into contact by sending gifts to my DD but putting in letters targeted at me (DD is too young to read anyway) with largely irrelevant family gossip (which I hear about directly from the people invloved in the majority of cases) or her telling me about her health ailments. She even addressed a letter to my DH instructing my DH to make "cyw" read a second letter that was enclosed with it. My DH opened it and read it first to check the content incase it was anything that might distress me then declared 'nothing much there, do you want to bother reading it' (it was info about her health and dramatic but false info about a cousin). Also some emails/ whats app messages along the same line. I have never replied, I am completely no contact from my end.

Anyway, despite all this innane letter writing she didn't even bother to notify me that she had removed me as her lasting power of attorny for health and finance. I just recieved a letter a few days before christmas from the attornies office (or whatever it is called). I have no issue with her removing me, but her prioritise for what she thinks I might want/need to know are bizarre. However it does somewhat absolve me of the kinds of end of life care responsibilities you are referring to.

The funeral is a bigger, harder question, I really don't know how I'm going to feel at the time. Possibly relief that she is gone and I can rebuild relationships with extended family without divided loyalties and awkwardness or maybe immense grief at never experiencing the maternal love that so many people take for granted, most likely a bit of both. If I do struggle with it will I want to do so in public at her funeral or will it be better to grieve privately? But if I grieve privately will I be incorrectly judged as not caring?

Going no contact with a parent is a lot harder than most people realise, with a lot of diferent issues to work through at different points.

Bit waffley, but it is a difficult subject.

I think it depends.

NC after a one off argument that no one was prepared to back down from - visit.

NC after a lifetime of abuse and wishing you'd gone NC many years before that? No chance.

I'm in the latter category. My only sibling is also NC. I'm not sure we would even know when this applies to our mother. I certainly wouldn't be going. Being of an age when my friends are starting to lose their parents, it's something I've had plenty of opportunity to consider this too. I can imagine that I might want to but then I remember things she has said to me over the years and what I know of her and there is no chance I would take the risk tbh.

@Cyw2018 the letters are something i used to get. But they stopped eventually.

Tbf my mum was a good parent when i was little but as we became more independent she couldn cope and would manilpulate us. By the time we reached teens she used physical violence as a means of control which never really worked.

As adults the manipulation continued in many ways and she had The stereotypical golden child etc. There was no defining event why i went NC i just had enough. Contact stopped over a period of time and tbf for many years she hasnt tried but does bad mouth me a lot.

I am not even sure she would want me there anyway

I Cannot in any way guarantee to myself that she wont use either dying or her death to get one final punch in. But i am emotionally prepared for all eventualities.

I went to see my abusive mother when I was advised by nursing staff that she was unlikely to survive a severe stroke. I desperately wish I hadn’t. Despite indicating to one of my siblings that she was happy to see me, she spent the entire time glaring at me in the same hate-filled, bone chilling manner she had always used. I sat there, at 42yrs of age & felt like a scared little girl again. I had been NC for 10 years & had started to heal & have a sense of self worth. She almost destroyed that in the 15 minutes I spent in that room. When I left I had a major panic attack & I knew then that I would never go back. She survived the stroke. I won’t make the same mistake twice & I won’t be attending her funeral. The only positive was that I came home utterly relieved at how normal, calm & loving my own family life is. My poor DCs could barely breathe for the hugs & kisses when I got back.

@EdinaMonsoon that is absolutely heartbreaking and one of the things that worries me.it has taken me such a long time to make peace with myself. I now know its not me and although i amnot all innocent i am not the cause either. I fear that be seeing her all those emotions will come back.

It depends why you're NC. I wouldn't go to either.