So lonely and unhappy

[PlanetTeaTime]

Didn't know where to put this

Me and my partner are not getting on at all, we barely get any time together since we had our baby. She is 6 months.

Does anyone else struggle with their relationship when they've had a baby?

Like how do you keep going?

I see people having another and I think, what am I doing wrong?

I feel like he doesn't love or appreciate me anymore

Things are hard at the moment, baby doesn't sleep, we've started co-sleeping to get something. I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing, am in such a mess and have no one to turn to

I would say EVERYONE struggles for the first 6 months after a baby. It is incredibly hard going, especially if sleep is a particular problem.

You really have to make allowances for each other and work as a team.

Can you make some time to have a meal together or even go out for a drink for an hour? Have you anyone who could look after the baby for an hour or two?

A baby is like a hand grenade being chucked to a relationship. You need to be kind to yourselves.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Thank you so much. I wondered if it was like this for other people.

I miss my partner so much. We just seem to argue lots of the time when we're together.

I'm breastfeeding, trying to follow "wake windows" to help me get baby off to sleep. We have just begun to wean her doing BLW and I read it's important to eat at the table together so she can learn, but everything in the evening is a big rush. My partner gets home for 6 and we try to get baby to bed for 7. I feed her to sleep she usually goes down 8-8:30 and I just want to go straight to sleep because I'm exhausted. But she's waking constantly so that's why I've started to put her in our bed the last couple of weeks, but because I'm following safe sleeping, I can't even turn my back to her to hug my partner in the night. She's just waking constantly. Next morning he gets up walks the dog and goes to work by 8. Repeat.

I could leave her for an hour but two hours would be too long at the moment, my mum has already said when we're there she's happy to come across and baby sit so we can go out for dinner just the two of us.

It's just good to know I'm not totally alone. We had a really strong relationship and we're together 6 years before having our daughter.

So...my kids are 18 and 21 now so it was a long time ago but our 'rule' was the maximum amount of sleep for the maximum amount of people. So we didn't do one person pacing the halls with a screaming child so that one person could sleep. We bunged the baby in our bed and then i could latch baby on and go back to sleep.

When they slept in the daytime, i slept too. The house was a mess but ...shrug....we didn't care!

Didn't have a set bedtime...they went to bed when we were ready to put them down so we weren't rushing.
If i were you i would feed the baby and then you two eat by yourselves a bit later if possible. Just so you have that time together.
This is just what we did and i know it is not for everyone.

Definitely take your mum up on her offer. Even if you just get an hour away from the house to talk and look at each other and go" omg this is mad!"

Ask your mum if she will come to your house and sit with the baby whole you and your dh go back to bed and sleep too. Maybe at the weekend.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Thank you. I'm going to take your advice. I really appreciate you responding

No problem. I remember that feeling of shellshock so well. I wish i could give you a hug and a mug of tea.

Time for you and your partner will return, you need to be kind to each other and he especially needs to be kind to you - especially considering you're breastfeeding which in itself is stressful and tiring at times!

Does he help you equally with baby? I ask because you say you feel he doesn't love/appreciate you?

I only just feel in the last month or so that I'm getting time with myself and DH, but a lot of the time in between balancing friends/gym/leisure we only get a couple of evenings a week together. We always try to keep weekend evenings free together. We are going for a spa day for our wedding anni next week and my parents are having DD for 5/6 hrs for the first time away from us ever - she will be 11.5 months old so is able to go this long without a breastfeed now.

It's been a learning curve, I didn't realise how completely life would be taken over by her and how little time me and DH would get. It is a struggle but it does get better. 💕

Plus re weaning, yes I felt much the same. I felt frantic in the evenings when weaning started and I HATED the mess. The prep was insane. I thought to myself how the F did my mum have me and my sister so close together. I still don't get it but in a year or so I would maybe entertain the idea of another, no idea how people do 2 under 2 though! Or twins! Women are bloody amazing.

Weaning will settle down especially as your DC becomes more independent and less messy at eating(well, maybe not less messy!)

It’s a long time since mine were little. But l wouldn’t be faffing around making her eat later than she neeeds to help her ‘learn’. She’ll learn anyway, millions of babies have!

My 5 month old is also not a good sleeper and we are Co sleeping atm too cos I just need some sleep otherwise I can't function next day. I feel for you, it is so hard especially if it is your first time and you had no idea how hard it can be...

Please take up on any offer you get and rest up during the day. My DH is super hands on but DD2 is EBF so I always end up with her when she wakes up at night. My DH now sleeps in the extra bedroom cos it is easier for us as he snores but I miss him in bed.

Make sure you talk to your partner about how you feel and try to find a good commuication going between you. Even though you are so tired and want to just to go to sleep (I do every night) but ask your mum to babysit just for a couple of hours to have a good old chitchat. I know it is hard and all I want to do is lie down and do nothing but it is good to make some efforts to be together and try to be old self every now and then.

Motherhood can be a lonely place and you need all the help and comfort you can get.

Hugs xxx

@GalaxyGirl24

It makes him sound really rubbish, but no he doesn't help me equally at all. If I ask him to do something with her he will, but I basically do everything relating to her.

It's like at the weekend if he wants to go and cut the grass or whatever or work on his car, he just goes and does it, it doesn't enter his mind that maybe I would like some time with him or maybe he look after our daughter so I can have a little time to myself.

I have told him. I have clearly said, I want more time with you, please leave this or that to later, please support me, I am struggling. I've cried. I've shouted. I've even made throw away comments about him coming home to me dead because I feel so desperate.

It makes no difference. So that is why I don't think he loves me. Because if he loved me he would listen to what I'm saying.

Was he like this before baby? As in, you did everything?

Do you hold out hope that he could change/would want to change?

He really needs to step up because otherwise he will breed resentment from you, and then when you do get time together he may find that you don't actually want to spend it with him!

I'm sorry you're feeling like this OP - it's hard enough with a baby without him not helping enough 💐you need to sit him down and instead of only laying out how you're feeling , lay out exactly what he needs to be doing each day and at weekends. Would he be receptive to that?

Hi - I also have a 6 month old baby and totally understand how you feel! With weaning - I've been making my boiled veg, pureeing it and then putting it in pots in the freezer (9 pots at a time) so I don't have to start from scratch every time. Also why not do breakfast and lunch and scrap the food for dinner - food is just supposed to be for fun really at this age so make your life easy!

I think it's probably good to try to get a few hours together and go for a meal - I'd love to do this myself but childcare is tricky- but sounds like your mum could help you?

With the sleeping would you consider a sleep consultant? I've heard some pretty amazing stories - literally one night and suddenly the baby sleeps through the night.

It's a cycle of hell sometimes - I believe in doing everything possible to make life easier even if it means cutting corners etc. You are important too!!!

@GalaxyGirl24

No he wasn't at all like that. The dynamic has changed so much between us.

I never truly realised like how different men and women are until I became pregnant. We were very equal in working around the house, arguably he probably did more than me when it came to redecorating because I'm crap with a paintbrush, he's also generally more handy but I would always get stuck in if he was willing to show me how.

Perhaps things would have been a bit different if I had formula fed? In fact I think they would have been, he would definitely have shared the night feeding with me I'm sure of that.

I don't know what the answer is, I'm hoping that things gradually get easier, everything is better when we sleep. The lack of sleep makes me feel like I'm going mad some days.

@onedaysoonish

Hey thanks for the reply. You're right about the food, I haven't even given her anything this morning. I think I'm just going to take a more relaxed approach for now, I think I was putting pressure on myself because I thought the quicker she learns to eat the less pressure there will be on me breastfeeding. But you're right it is just for fun at this age so I just need to calm down a bit.

I have actually booked myself on a course which is tomorrow with a sleep consultant, I'm hoping she has some practical advice. I read Lindsay Hookway's book Let's talk about your new family's sleep and that was good but more than anything made me realise that this is normal.

I think the bit I'm finding the hardest (aside from the severe lack of sleep and feeling lonely) is constantly thinking... am I doing this right? Am I doing the best for her?

If I ever have another baby, I pray to god I don't have this constant doubt because it just makes everything more difficult.

I am going to take my mum up on the offer, but I think I might need to wait just a little bit longer before she's ready. I'm really looking forward to being alone with my partner though.

@PlanetTeaTime it’s important to realise you aren’t default childcare. Yes you breastfeed but that doesn’t mean your DP gets to bugger off to fiddle with the car or whatever whenever he feels like it because he knows you’ve got the baby. He needs to spend time with her, play with her, change the nappies, build up a relationship, else he won’t have one. It’s too easy for men to just carry on as if their life hasn’t changed. He needs to step up. If he won’t then you need to look at why and how you want to go forward.

If he wasn't like this before the baby then you both need to get to the bottom of why he thinks it's okay now?

Also I know breastfeeding can be very lonely and he can't physically help you, but he can still do the night shifts! I've never done a night alone with DD, DH in the early days would pick her up for me and pass her, then cuddle after a boob and put her back down as they can then get used to getting comfort after boob from Dad. We still use this method now in the rare occasions DD wakes in the night.

I know it's bloody tough, and everything seems so much more awful in the cold light of day when you've only slept 2 hrs. You will get through this but your DP needs to step up now and put in place measures to help out - I hope the time alone that you get is good but also productive toward what should be a shared goal.

X

@TheRabbitStoleMyHat

I've said this to him many times. Honestly I could have written that myself