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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I right to be upset?

12 replies

lostmyway77 · 12/08/2021 07:10

Hello, looking for some outsiders advice as to whether I'm being far to sensitive about a row I had last night with my partner.
I will say that the relationship is not in a good place now, and deep down I don't think we are going to last. I'm pretty devastated about this, and because of the problems we are having, I feel like I'm just waiting for the next issue and pressing the self destruct button.

Partner rang me yesterday to say that she (same sex relationship) was booking to go away with her friends for a weekend away next month to take part in a specific hobby that she enjoys and hasn't been able to do since the beginning of the pandemic. She asked if I wanted to go, but I politely declined as tbh, I can't think of much worse due to dynamics that take place on these weekends away.

I was pretty hurt afterwards though as we don't get much time together at all (we don't live together) and we had planned to go away this specific weekend to try and help improve our relationship, even though we hadn't booked anything yet. I guess I also feel that it would have been a basic courtesy to at least ran it by me before agreeing to go, seeing as it was our limited time together.

Anyhow, I brought it up last night on the phone as it was eating away at me, and I ended up getting pretty annoyed, and left the phone call feeling second best to a weekend away with her mates.
She swears she didn't realise it was the same weekend, and because we haven't actually booked anything yet that she didn't think it would matter. She says that it didn't occur to her to check if it clashed with our plans.
I'm upset that the weekend away that we had planned wasn't even on her agenda when she booked this weekend with her mates, and I also feel very side lined that she didn't think to check. Just to mention, I would have been fine postponing our plans if she had had the courtesy to think of me and our plans, I just feel very unimportant I guess. I can't understand, given the state our relationship is in right now as to why stuff like our weekend away is not forefront in her mind.

I'm not thinking straight at all at the moment due to the state we are in, and other issues that are going on in my life right now and would really appreciate different views as to whether I'm being far to sensitive here. Thank you.x

OP posts:

DoubleChinWoes · 12/08/2021 07:13

I actually do think you're being a little unreasonable. She asked if she wanted to go, nothing was booked, yes, it would have been nice for her to check but I don't think she's done anything wrong. It's not her fault you don't want to go. Presumably you can go another weekend before then to get away the two of you? If it happens again, I think you'd have more right to be annoyed.

Original poster

lostmyway77 · 12/08/2021 07:18

It wasn't booked no. We were supposed to go in 4 weeks time, and had agreed only a few days ago to wait a week or two before booking as we couldn't decide where we wanted to go. I do appreciate that I could be jumping on this and being overly sensitive though due to how the relationship is right now. Thanks for replying

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2021 07:18

I don't understand why you are continuing to waste your time. You already know this relationship is never going to go the distance. It really shouldn't be this hard. End it and move on.

Dandy0911 · 12/08/2021 07:34

Ahh OP I'm sorry.

I can see both points here. If the relationship is damaged and you specifically had that weekend kept available for each other then she could chosen another weekend to go, and stay with you to sort a messy relationship out. (I know people will say just end it if it isn't working,) but sometimes it's not that easy, and if there's something fighting for, if you want to work on things, do it. Not always does it end in tears.

On the other hand, she did ask if you wanted to go, you had nothing booked with her, and also it would probably be tricky for her to go with mates on another weekend if they're all free that specific one. It's normally quite hard to book group holidays when everyone's free on the same dates. Given the pandemic and it's her hobbie, she deserves to go and have a good time.

But you also deserve her time and priority as her girlfriend to sort the relationship out.

She's she want to sort things out? Is she willing to put work in and address the issues in your relationship?

Things will get better. She's going on holiday with her friends regardless. She could've ran it by you first but I don't think either of you are out of line x

WoodenFloors · 12/08/2021 08:19

I mostly agree with Dandy.

However, I can also see that, due to the state of the relationship, she has almost failed a 'test' to prove that this relationship is important to her. Not that you set the test deliberately or in order to be manipulative but to you she has over ridden your penciled in weekend to do something together, to her she has taken advantage of a free weekend where there were no definite plans to do something definite. She invited you along.

I think a proper open and honest conversation is needed to address this and whether the relationship has a future.

I don't agree with 'fighting for' a relationship though. It shouldn't be that hard. Have a calm conversation that doesn't end up with you getting "pretty annoyed" and see what comes of it. Splitting up if you're not on the same page isn't the end of the world.

AgentJohnson · 12/08/2021 10:09

I can also see that, due to the state of the relationship, she has almost failed a 'test' to prove that this relationship is important to her. Not that you set the test deliberately or in order to be manipulative but to you she has over ridden your penciled in weekend to do something together, to her she has taken advantage of a free weekend where there were no definite plans to do something definite. She invited you along.

I think a proper open and honest conversation is needed to address this and whether the relationship has a future.

This

No one benefits from seething in silence and make or break weekends away rarely work. If you have shit to say, then say it.

Original poster

lostmyway77 · 12/08/2021 15:19

Thank you for the replies. I think that's almost how I feel @WoodenFloors. It does feel like she's failed a test, and I hate admitting that as it makes me feel controlling.
She is desperate to save the relationship, but reading some of these replies is making me realise that that's not always enough. We have to be on the same page in how we do that, and organising to go away on a weekend with her friends, when we were supposed to be going away together, and not seeing why I'm upset about that definitely isn't the same page for me.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 12/08/2021 15:36

You let her book the weekend with her mates and only then complained about it being your weekend. It sounds like you deliberately let her make the mistake so you could present yourself as the victim. Is this common - you not expressing your wishes or needs, then being annoyed when they are not fulfilled? Is that because you are bad at expressing your needs, or do you actually kind of like the victim role a bit?

Neither of you sound really keen, though, if you'd planned a weekend but neither of you had actually booked anything?

Original poster

lostmyway77 · 12/08/2021 15:50

That's a hell of a lot of assumptions there @ravenmum, and no, I certainly don't like playing the victim. Are you in the habit of always posting such nasty comments to people who come on here knowing that they may be in the wrong, but wanting some genuine advice/support?

My communication is very good in relationships, and always has been. I'm aware I could have pointed it out straight away, but like I said, I'm not at my best right now, so go knock someone else down, or better still...don't??

OP posts:

ravenmum · 12/08/2021 15:58

I'm not sure why you're saying it's an assumption, as you described it to us yourself? You didn't express your thoughts until it was too late? If I musunderstood that, then I apologise.
I described in in neutral terms, not nastily. Taking the victim role in an argument can be very tempting for us normal, flawed humans as it means we are not the "baddy", and it gets people to comfort us.
I was clearly too brief, though, and should have expanded on what I meant. That is my major flaw when it comes to communication: not wanting to go on for ages, and instead making it too brief.

altiara · 12/08/2021 16:12

Sorry Op I do agree you’ve put yourself into the victim role as you could have said “oh isn’t that the weekend we’re going away” when she asked you if you wanted to come.
Then, she would have had the opportunity to choose.

I do agree it was pretty crap of her not to say can we change the date if you were at the point of booking the trip.

Peach01 · 12/08/2021 18:20

I think it's an accumulation of everything going on that's making you feel this way. I don't think you should blame yourself for feeling "overly sensitive" it's a difficult time in your relationship and you're upset.

I don't think she has done anything terribly wrong by booking the weekend with the friends as she did ask you to come along, but I completely see your point that she should be focusing on your relationship first of all. That's probably having an impact on your confidence.

Just be clear about what you need from her at the moment and what your expectations are to see if the relationship can be mended.

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