everything that could possibly go wrong

[Haleyyy103847]

I don't even know where to start - if anyone will have the patience to read this novel - but here goes

My partner is 51, i am 35. I have two children 16 & 13, he has two adult children who until very recently weren't interested in having a relationship with me - and even now it is very minimal, but progress is progress I suppose.

I did not have a happy healthy upbringing, and I desperately crave a family. Simply because I want that mum & dad, and baby family life I didn't have. I want my kids to have siblings, and a big family for each other, for their children to have cousins, and aunties and uncles and all the things I missed. My children's father and I were very young, and just couldn't make our relationship work. We stayed together long past our use-by date because of my ideals about family.

With all this said - my DH children's rejection hurts me very deeply. I am struggling to come to terms with it, not to take it personally and is the cause of a lot of strain in our relationship.
outside of this one issue - DH & I have the perfect relationship. We are very compatible in every way, he is my best friend. Something i have not experienced before.

Last year I started telling him about my desire to have a baby. AT first he was excited, then after a period considered his age and the implications of his children's reactions and he changed his mind - not right now, was his answer. He went back and fw for months.

In February his daughter announced her pregnancy.
I really struggled with this. not only will being a grandad make it more complicated for us to have a baby, but another aspect of his other life for me to be excluded from. Ouch.

In may, i found out i was pregnant. Whilst you may have expected this to be a happy moment for me, I know that the medication I take causes birth defects and it is absolutely not recommended to fall pregnant whilst taking this medication. I take a low dosage and only for several days a month..
We have every scan imaginable to confirm if there had been exposure.
An incredibly stressful ordeal
Meanwhile we debated all options.
Maybe his kids would never speak to him again
Maybe he is too old
Maybe we would be so happy
WHy are his kids dictating my future?
Maybe Maybe Maybe
I couldn't accept having a baby that may never know his half siblings, i was rejected by mine and it has (obviously) affected me
In the end i felt our only option was to abort. The risk of exposure, plus the risk of of his children rejecting the baby, him, me.
I am still struggling with immense grief because of this. My partner is also, but not to the same extent as me. Perhaps because he wasn't fully on board with having a baby in the first place

Now, we approach the birth of DH grandchild. Its coming up so quickly

I am struggling to cope with the vastly complicated emotions i am experiencing. On one hand grief for the loss of my baby, desire to have a baby, on the other so much resentment that his life is about to be so happy whilst i am so devastated. Jealousy. Anger. Frustration.

We have decided to get married (as was the plan), continue to try to build a relationship between myself and his kids, renovate our house and have a baby next year.
I suppose provided his kids accept me by then? That's hard to swallow.

Everything is overwhelmingly hard right now, I just don't know how I'm going to cope when the grandchild arrives. I feel on the brink of a meltdown and even just the mention of his daughter sets me off in either tears or anger, or the very constructive silent treatment.

I suppose i just need to attempt writing it all down. Get some feedback, advice? Personal experiences..
Yes i am seeing a phycologist. No it doesnt help.

I’m sorry for your loss. Of course you are upset, angry jealous, it’s understandable and you have to let yourself grieve properly.

I think it’s possible that your DP will be both happy and sad-put yourself in his shoes, you’ve both lost a child but his grown up child is having a baby. You wouldn’t resent your own child having a baby would you? Even though you may find it painful.
I think you have to at least fake some happiness in this situation. It’s not his daughter’s fault or his fault that she’s having a child and he will become a grandfather. Try not to take the shine off the event, it’ll create a wedge between you all. The relationship with his daughter already sounds fragile.

Regarding your need for a baby, how long have you been together?
He’s worried he’s too old to have a child but wants to wait until he’s even older to have a child?! Or do you need to wait because of your medication?
Does his daughter know you plan to get married and then try to conceive? It sounds like it’ll be met with anger, is he likely to cave in to his daughter’s feelings? Or will you pretend the pregnancy is a ‘surprise’. What’s the plan? I would be asking him that.

His children don’t have to have a relationship with you and may never want to. You and your partner, particularly you, have to accept that. Secondly, your partner isn’t as invested as you are in having another child and given he’s about to become a grandparent and his older children aren’t accepting of you, I can understand why.

I’m not discounting your want for another child but you really need to consider if your relationship with your partner is the place to have one in. Your dreams for another child aren’t shared by your him and it sounds like he’s prepared to kick the can into the long grass in the hope that you will change your mind.

Im glad you’re seeing a therapist and hope for your sake that you can find peace.

I actually really understand where you are coming from. I understand how the lack of a healthy, happy upbringing can make you crave your own family and then want a baby to shower the love you did not have on. And then to lose that baby. You are grieving and at the same time trying to cope with your feelings around someone else pregnancy (someone who is cold towards you) and the uncertainty from your partner. These are all complicated emotions to process.

The thing I think from my own experience is that the desire for a family and the desire for a baby makes you vulnerable. It means you make choices which are not entirely sensible or the best, because your brain just wants a baby to love. I think it is good that there is a bit of time before you commit to marriage, a house renovation and trying again for a baby with this man. Not because it gives time for his kids to accept you (that might never happen and should not dictate your life), but because it gives you time to work on your own mental health, to unravel things with your therapist and to think about whether this relationship is right for you and whether it is going to lead to the happy family you want.

The harsh truth is that the happy family train might have left the station. BUT you have got what many people don’t- two children who you have brought up, who you love and I am sure love you, and no doubt friends and a social circle. Don’t underestimate the importance of this. Families come in all shapes and sizes. There is a social pressure as a single parent to blend up with another person and be ‘normal’ and I think this can lead to all sorts of problems.

1. You might have a baby with this man and the relationship break down anyway. He is 51, old enough to know what he wants. And right now, it seems like his priority is not to rock the boat with his own children, a priority you don’t share because of the rawness of grief, desire for a baby/family, and the fact that they don’t accept you. At what point do you think your priorities will align?

There is a lot to unpick there. And it is okay to be confused and lost with it all.

OP, I mean this kindly, but it sounds like your obsession with creating a ''proper family' - through a relationship with your partners children and a new baby of your own - is leading you to not be fully present for the family you do have - your two DC.

I'm five years time your youngest will be 18. Your eldest is nearly an adult. You won't get this time back.

Everything is overwhelmingly hard right now, I just don't know how I'm going to cope when the grandchild arrives. I feel on the brink of a meltdown and even just the mention of his daughter sets me off in either tears or anger, or the very constructive silent treatment.

This is a terrible situation for your DC to be trapped in. Please, get some help and refocus on them.

The distance between reality and fantasy causes depression. You have this fantasy of a big wide family all getting on brilliantly but the reality is your family is you and your two children and your partner. That is a family...full stop. Please for your own sake let go the fantasy as it will destroy you, your children and your relationship. I have a very wide family..no falling out or bad relationships but the reality is most of my time is spent with my dh and my own dc. Nobody else really matters and l mean that kindly. They are also living their own lives and what l do matters little to them.
You have 2 children. Now is their time. They will soon be grown up and then it will be you and your partner. You can have a wonderful time together, travel enjoy each others company etc. But all this will be robbed if you persevere in this fantasy of a big happy family. Let it go. What you have right now is fine. Enjoy it. Enjoy being loved by your partner. Enjoy the grandchildren your own children will bring you eventually, perhaps.
Counselling will help you to come to terms with this.