Would you consider this a red flag?

[RedTopper]

So … I’ve been with my DP for 5 years, we met when I was single after a devastating divorce for me. My XH was not the man I thought he was and it took me a long time to come to terms with it and learn to trust my judgement again.
After he left me several friends and family said they’d always thought he wasn’t right for me!
My DP always questions why friends and family wouldn’t have told me that before we married? I just think people don’t get involved with stuff like that!
Anyway a good friend of mine recently said to me she didn’t think my current DP was right for me. All my family and other friends seem to love him and are happy to see me happy but this friends words have rattled me and I am now questioning my relationship and judgement.
For context she is a good friend who was really supportive when my XH left and I’m sure she has my welfare at heart but she is also very opinionated and I often don’t agree with things she says.
Should I be worried that I’m missing something again with DP or just take it there’s a personality clash for her with him?

Surely this depends on the context in which she said it? Dropping it in out of the blue and unsolicited, possibly an ulterior motive, jealousy etc.

If you routinely go to her to moan about your DP, maybe she's got a point.

Did she say why?

It depends why she thinks he’s no good for you, you need to find that out if she hasn’t told you already.

If she’s a good friend then I’d ask her to explain why she thinks he isn’t right for you, and say you’d like her to be honest and won’t get upset. Depending on what she says, you’ll be in a better position to work out whether it’s something minor that they just bash heads over, or a clash of personalities, or a misunderstanding on her part about what he’s like; or something really important which you’ve not seen about him before and can then mull over.

It’s really perfectly normal for the off one or two of your friends to not see eye to eye with your OH (and vice versa), we can’t all like everyone, and if it’s simply that then it’s not really anything to worry about.

Sorry I should have explained the context. She had tried several times to suggest a double date with her and her husband.
We have always met just the two of us and have never gone out with her husband. And neither did I when I was with XH.
My DP and her husband are such poles apart I’ve never wanted to do this. I value her friendship but not as a ‘couple friend’ if you see why I mean?
My DP wouldn’t want a night out with them and to be fair neither would I. So the comment seems to have come on the back of that. Her and her DH have only met my DP once at a wedding so her opinion of him is based on that and me making excuses not to meet up as a four. I’m the sort of person to avoid conflict and hurting anyone’s feelings so I never directly said I didn’t want to do it.
I’ve never moaned to her about DP because there is nothing to moan about. He treats me well and with respect and I’m happier than I’ve been in years.

Well from your update it’s totally clear - she’s just being difficult and slow to get the message ad to not about him. Don’t worry about what she thinks. But maybe it’s time to work on your assertiveness within friendships and find a way to tell her you’re not really into double dates. She might get offended, but that’s tough, and better than letting her push you around.

*and it’s not about him.

Well done on finding someone who makes you happy!

She's annoyed you don't have a DP who fits in with her and her DP for double dates...
Eh, he just needs to be right for you?

If she’s only met him once in five years then I really wouldn’t worry too much. He’s a stranger to her. It sounds like she’s got the idea that he’s the one who doesn’t want to socialise and is controlling you. Just tell her that he and her and her DH are very different people and make it clear that it’s as much your decision not to all hang out together.

Comtesse
I think you’re probably right! I should have had the balls to say double dating wasn’t my thing! I like her DH but I actually value my friend time with her! I need to stop being afraid to tell people the truth for fear of upsetting them!
Reader12 you’re right I am lucky to have found someone who makes me happy!

He treats you well and you're happy so that's all you need to know.

No you shouldn't be worried about missing something with DP. Sounds like a ridiculous reason to warn a friend off their partner if I'm totally honest.

I would'nt take on my friends opinion on your Dp.

If she hasn’t spent a decent amount of time with him or you both as a couple then I’d ignore it as she doesn’t have anything substantial to base things on.

The real issue here isn't whether your partner is right for you or not, but the fact that you are so easily swayed by someone else's opinion - even if said opinions have no basis whatsoever! - and you do not seem able to stand up for yourself.

I get that you value your one on one time with her, and it sounds like she has spent a lot of time listening to you and you have got a lot of support from her over the years.

So maybe it wouldn’t kill you to do something she wants for a change? It’s not always that easy being in the role of supporter to friends and feel a bit one sided after a while. Maybe she just wants to have a fun night with you and your partners and not play therapist for once?

Judy As supportive as she is, she’s never been my therapist and we frequently have fun nights out without any mention of DH/DPs. I just meant she was a good enough friend to have been supportive when I needed it. It’s definitely not a one sided friendship.
Flower - I’m not usually so swayed by others opinions. It’s just that particular issue that my DP had commented he thought it was strange if my friends had felt like that about my XH they should have said? But I do agree with crazy neighbour that I should have been honest and upfront with her rather than make excuses. That’s always been my downfall! I have to say I am getting better at this the older I get! I suppose I was afraid that if I said id rather just see her as my friend than in a couples date that she’d think I didn’t like her DH , which couldn’t be further from the truth!

Don't beat yourself up about making excuses. It's sometimes easier to let someone down gently than going into the cold hard truth that the husbands probably wouldn't gel well, could get her back up and cause more issues. I don't think it's a justification for your friend to warn you against your DP. As you said there aren't any problems in your relationship, you've never divulged anything negative to her so her POV is based on her own need to do couples dates and her own need to give unsolicited advice.

That’s good then, I just got the impression you liked to see her on her own so you could talk to her more intimately about problems with partners etc, sounds like that’s not the case though.

In what what are your partners polar opposites? Politics? ‘Class’? It can be good for us to spend time with people we wouldn’t normally gravitate to, don’t need to live in an echo chamber.

She sounds like an overinvolved wierdo after some drama. Did she come on all your dates? If not she gets no opinion

No, it's not a red flag for me. Some friends are a bit weird. My DH is the loveliest person and my family and friends love him, especially his humour and big heart. But my childhood friend never has anything good to say about him. In fact she barely mentions him in our conversations. As if he doesn't even exist. She's single so maybe it's jealousy but whatever it is.. It's not him... it's her!!