WWYD if your mum didn't care about you?

[BearBirdBaboon]

When I was growing up, I used to be quite close to my DM. I moved out of the family home some twenty years ago and since then, my DM has become less and less interested in me.

I'm married with two DC. I think most grandparents are quite interested in their grandchildren. If I send my DM photos of them or message her something about their achievements at school, she doesn't even bother to respond. If she visits, she doesn't really engage with them at all or I much. She doesn't really make conversation and so it's always me who initiates it. My DM doesn't phone me or invite me over to see her and I don't think she's ever asked me how I am. If i see her, it's because I invite her over to my house.

Recently, I've stopped making the effort to keep in touch for a few reasons. It would always be me who made the effort to keep in touch and since I stopped making the effort, she hasn't bothered to make contact with me at all. In the past, even though I didn't like always being the one who made the effort, I did it anyway. However, I've recently found out that my DM told my biological father (my parents divorced when I was a baby/toddler) that he wasn't my father when I was a baby/toddler and told another man that I was his daughter.

When I was a teenager, both my grandmothers told my sister that this other man was my father. At that time, my DM told my sister and I that that wasn't true. Now that I know what I know, I don't think she truly knew who my father was. Recently, I tracked down the man who was told that I was his daughter. He hadn't seen me in about thirty years and told me that he truly thought I was his daughter. A DNA test proved we were not related. So, I did a DNA test with my sister, which proved that we shared the same parents.

I haven't told my DM about what I know, as I know she will just say something like "well, I always said your biological father was your father." I am upset by the fact that she'd told my biological father that I wasn't his daughter, which of course led him to treat me completely differently to my sister.

So, now that I know what I know, I feel really reluctant to make the effort to keep in touch with my mum. She hasn't once asked me why I haven't been in contact. If I don't contact her, I wonder if she'll ever bother to contact me.

WWYD if you were me? Should I pretend I don't know about her telling my biological father that I wasn't his daughter? Should I make the effort to contact her when she doesn't seem to care about me?

Also, I told my sister about all of this. Instead of showing any sympathy whatsoever, she seems to have decided not to contact me either any more.

Bumping op hoping someone wise will be along soon

Your biological father must have known there was a possibility you were his no? Noone can be that bad at maths. I would be wondering why he accepted your mother's word and didn't do a dna test himself. Did he raise you?
I would need to air it out with my mum if I was in your position.

I’d just go NC with the lot of them and live my best life. In fact I am NC with my mother and have a far less stressful life because of it

My mother doesn't care about me , I stopped trying to make sense of all the awful things she had done through out the years and just cut her off. Now I have nothing to do with her and I've come to terms with the fact that I can't change what happened but I have control over what I allow now that I'm an adult

OP, you are you, a person in your own right living your own life.

Yes you have a biological link to your parents, but you are not bound to them.

Pull back from the coldness and focus on the people who have time for you.

Find yourself a counsellor you can talk all this through with. A good one will really help. You might want to check out the Stately Homes thread for people who have toxic parents too. And thank goodness you can break the cycle with your own children. Focus on them and the love between you.

Another vote for no contact-if its not what you want it to be,never can be&is actually pretty emotionally damaging&soul destroying-as far as flogging the dead horse goes-unless you have some kind of subconcious maschochistic tendancies just N.C it all and draw the metaphoric line in the sand under the sorry situation..Move on,dont look back&live your best life-as all the best cliches say!
•As an aside I went nc with my own over 35 years ago(helped immeasurably by emigrating)and it was the best and most freeing decision of my life,aside from emigrating😉

Concentrate on your dc and dh. Your mum sounds horrible.

@Halo1234

My biological father knew about the affair my mum. The man who my mum told I was his daughter said he believed I was his daughter, as the maths made sense.

@Jesskir89
Thank you!

My Mother doesn't care about me, she's never really been interested in me and I was raised by my Nan, I'd try desperately at times to be part of her life wanting to be normal. I stopped trying in the end as I was always being hurt by her lack of response. I stayed civil with her for the sake of my Nan and she remains on my Facebook but we have no relationship. I moved away and she has never visited despite driving all over England doing various shows and I have just accepted that wanting something doesn't mean you will get it. It hurts but it hurts less than trying and being shown how little she cares.

In the end it's her loss, her grandchildren don't know her, she doesn't know me and that's all her choice and her choices are not my fault.

I went Nc and moved abroad. That way she couldn’t turn up unexpectedly at my home or workplace

Hi OP, how old are you if you don’t mind me asking?
I had the same/similar type realisations about my family about 10 years ago and from that point just tried to keep them all low contact as it makes me happier.
What I would really suggest though is some counselling for you - to help you work out your feelings and focus on your future with you children etc.
If you are in SW London I can give you the name of an excellent counsellor who really helped me.
Also remember this isn’t about you as a person, this is about your mum and sister. Don’t let them eat away at your self esteem, sense of worth or how great you are doing despite their behaviour.

Also remember this isn’t about you as a person, this is about your mum and sister.

This

To answer your question, you find a way to accept her for who she is and the limited relationship that you have. Wanting something you don’t have is futile and takes you away from the things you do have.

My mum doesn't care about me. She never did. Was open about it. She punished me for it. I've haven't had contact with her in around a decade. Life is happier as a result.

Same with my mother except she was purposely cruel. I spent far too many years trying to get her to like me and approve of me. She never did. Clearly she had something wrong with her.

By the time she passed away, 3 of her 5 children had disowned her.

So getting some counseling as others suggested, would probably be the best thing to help you. Then cut her out of your life for good.

@Meh2020

I'm in my forties. (I'm not in the London area.) Yes, perhaps counselling is something to consider.

Thank you to everyone who's shared their own experiences so far. Most people I know in real life seem to have really supportive mums, so I don't like to talk about how disinterested in me my mum is to people in real life.

Even if I do contact my mum, I don't really know what there is to talk about with her. Whenever she used to visit, she'd pretty much spend the whole time doing puzzles in the newspaper. Meal times were a bit awkward, as she just eats really slowly and doesn't make conversation. It's just hard work. Now with all the facts I have re my father, I just don't know if it's worth the effort any more. However, I do think about this everyday and feel a bit guilty about not making the effort.