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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Emotional abuse and divorce

10 replies

yummygummy · 11/08/2021 18:42

Hi, have any of you been through divorce where emotional abuse is involved? I’m slowly getting up the courage to leave and reading into what steps I can take.

  • My main concern is around the children. When I have mentioned divorce to him in the past he has threatened that this would be the ‘end of my relationship with the children’ and ‘it would not end well for me’. I would not put it past him to collect the children from school one day and not return, my worst nightmare and the main thing holding me back from filing for divorce.
  • Property; I earn a bit more than him and would hope that ultimately I could buy him out of his share in our in shared ownership property. But I know he would fight this every step of the way, is it possible for a court to ‘order’ him to sell his share? I have a record of his text messages, such as angry texts he’s sent when I did not answer the phone immediately. I also have kept notes on my phones of particularly bad instances of his behaviour and the circumstances involved. In addition to this I have copies of his bank statements which show hotel payments (oh yes, he’s been cheating as well – which I’m not even that bothered about anymore. I just want out, but need to put my kids first). In the past he has always been able to turn things around by being apologetic and being all nice and kind for a short while, and I found myself clinging to this hope that he could eventually turn into this nice person fulltime. I am constantly talking to myself now not to fall for it anymore. One other complicating factor is that I don’t have family in this country or any real friends (he’s seen to that) that could support me or that I could go and stay with temporarily. Since we share parental responsibility I’m guessing I can’t just take the kids and stay in temporary accommodation anyway. It’s daunting to take the first steps in divorce, I can’t even imagine what he’d be like if he’d get shared custody of the kids – I guess I’ll worry about that next☹☹
OP posts:
overtherainbo · 11/08/2021 19:07

Yes!
My exH done exactly what you said, he took the children from school and I didn't see them for three weeks! Despite going to school, his work, social services. I couldn't get access he claimed I had mental health issues and couldn't be trusted with the children. Because he was on the birth certificate and he had 50% rights and his care was deemed 'safe'.

I was in the care of Harbour at the time (uk). This is to help with domestic abuse, they hired a solicitor for me and we started court proceedings straight away. I had to prove I was mentally able to look after myself and my children. I went to therapy and attended multiple sessions as evidence for court. I also had police assessing my property, making sure it was a safe, clean home, they had a suitable bedroom and food in cupboards. I was mortified! After all this evidence had been provided the children had to be interviewed by CAFCAS to have their own voice in court.

Social services also provided reports. In these reports I learnt he had been abusing the children in his own home, his neighbours had reported him for months and I had no knowledge of it. It was down as suspected child l abuse. I was disgusted that social services seemed to have these reports yet didn't do anything about them but managed to support his decision to keep the children from me. The children came back into my care within the month. They spoke about how exH would pin them and hit them, police and social services interviewed them. My 4 year old son laid on the ground and acted the abuse out, then used his own figures to show the abuse. Nothing happened from this as it wasn't enough criminal evidence. They said they couldn't trust the word of a 4 and 2 year old, even with the other reports backing them? I was said in court he could have access through contact centres as it would be supervised. I spoke with my solicitor and we denied the contact visits. They came to the door weekly to collect the children and I would turn them away, they tried to tell me it would go against me but I still continued fighting for the children. I kept them from school until the school would apologise for refusing my access to the children and guarantee he could not come to collect them.

I felt the children were unsafe. After over a year in courts we got the final order. I got full custody and he got no contact, he gets to write to the children once a month, no more than that. It was finalised as 'over chastisement of the children' which dumbs down to inappropriate punishment of our children. I was sickened. He was so good at painting the innocent party. I was angry at the system allowing him to take my children away and them being in his care for a period of time suffering.

My son is now 8 and is underweight, he does to counselling and play therapy within school. He is behind in work and struggles to verbally communicate. I am saddened that this is the long term affects from both their biological father and the system that should protect children. It makes me so angry!!

My daughter is now 6 and doesn't remember anything, she is a bubbly little girl and I am glad I got to save her from it although the guilt racks up when I think of my boy.

I have since moved towns and refused to pass on any information. I have deleted social media and will not allow him to have a glimpse of the children that he should have loved!!

RandomMess · 11/08/2021 19:10

If the DC are young enough you can leave via a refuge. If he withholds the DC you make an emergency application to court.

overtherainbo · 11/08/2021 19:11

If you are in the UK look for Harbour or My sisters place. They support women and children in domestic abuse. They can give therapy, funding and even a safe location. They work closely with police.

Any texts, videos, voicemails will go down as evidence. Unfortunately a lot of 'evidence' you collect will be hearsay, your word against his and they will refuse that.

Any previous police reports will be a help too.

EarthSight · 11/08/2021 19:23

I don't have much practical advice from lived experience, but if you really think he would abduct your children in this way, I would urge you to get legal advice if you can afford it.

Is your husband also from the same country as you? If so, you need to find out what the laws are regarding custody in you home country and how that affects you here in the U.K. Would you have any legal rights if, God forbid, he took them out of the country?

yummygummy · 11/08/2021 19:24

@overtherainbo

If you are in the UK look for Harbour or My sisters place. They support women and children in domestic abuse. They can give therapy, funding and even a safe location. They work closely with police.

Any texts, videos, voicemails will go down as evidence. Unfortunately a lot of 'evidence' you collect will be hearsay, your word against his and they will refuse that.

Any previous police reports will be a help too.

@overtherainbo So sorry to hear everything you and children have been through. I will look into Harbour, I feel bad for using resources that someone who suffers physical abuse may need more than me, but desperately need some advice so I'm best prepared for what may come..
OP posts:
yummygummy · 11/08/2021 19:25

@RandomMess

If the DC are young enough you can leave via a refuge. If he withholds the DC you make an emergency application to court.
Thanks. Children are 8 and 10
OP posts:
overtherainbo · 11/08/2021 19:27

@yummygummy you will get plenty of help from them, tell them the threats with your children. They will help with court costs, they paid all my court costs and even transport, my worker even came with me to support me through the process. I couldn't thank harbour enough. Good luck! Report everything if you're safe enough to, just to get a crime number, this will also back you in court

yummygummy · 11/08/2021 20:02

@EarthSight

I don't have much practical advice from lived experience, but if you really think he would abduct your children in this way, I would urge you to get legal advice if you can afford it.

Is your husband also from the same country as you? If so, you need to find out what the laws are regarding custody in you home country and how that affects you here in the U.K. Would you have any legal rights if, God forbid, he took them out of the country?

No but he does have family abroad too and it's a concern. I will get legal advice before any next steps, thank you.
OP posts:
yummygummy · 11/08/2021 20:17

[quote overtherainbo]@yummygummy you will get plenty of help from them, tell them the threats with your children. They will help with court costs, they paid all my court costs and even transport, my worker even came with me to support me through the process. I couldn't thank harbour enough. Good luck! Report everything if you're safe enough to, just to get a crime number, this will also back you in court[/quote]
Seems Harbour is in the North East only, I am in London but will look at other org for help. Thank you!

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 11/08/2021 21:27

If DC have passports make sure they're in your possession so he can't use them. I think you can also have their name put on a list to say you don't consent to travel outside the country. Something to ask a solicitor about given he has family overseas.

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