Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I miss my dog

27 replies

Mimzical · 11/08/2021 17:13

Hi everyone,

I am having a hard time- I posted a few weeks back about breaking up with my partner of 4 years who i lived with in his house and is an alcoholic.
I am really struggling with coming to terms with the end of the relationship and the way he behaved but the bit that is breaking my heart the most is that I miss my beautiful dog who is still living with my ex in his house. I miss her so much and I wish I could see her but I know he won't let me see her let alone have joint custody. He will argue he paid for her (he did pay the breeder for her but I have contributed to pet food and vet bills whilst we had her). He seems so angry and bitter even though he is the one who treated me like crap and I just don't know if I have the fight to push this but at the same time I miss my dog so much. I am in bits and in need of a hug right now.

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 11/08/2021 19:19

Aww I am so sorry that you miss your dog. Having to leave a pet is a really hard part of ending a relationship, especially when your partner was an arse, and the dog was an emotional support. My dog died last year and I still really miss her, so I understand a bit of how you feel.

Have you asked your ex if he'd consider letting you visit her? Or maybe do some grieving, and then perhaps you could get a pup of your own.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 11/08/2021 19:22

Would he be the sort to be persuaded with a cash incentive? Does he know how much jabs etc are going to cost him?

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 11/08/2021 19:43

I’m so sorry @Mimzical, I have no useful experience or advice, so I’m just here with a handhold.

Do you think he is treating her well now you’re not there? Are you registered as a co-owner at your vets so you can check if he’s keeping up with jabs etc?

Could you offer to buy her off him? I’m guessing he’s too bitter right now, but maybe once he realises how much responsibility it is owning a dog he might be bought?

Probably clutching at straws, I’m really sorry OP

Original poster
Mimzical · 11/08/2021 20:01

Thank you everybody, really having a bluey day and have spent most of it crying.

Despite him being an arse to me he does treat the dog well and I think he loves her more than he cared for me tbh. I am not concerned about her welfare but I know he won't give her up or even contemplate sharing custody. He is just so angry at me even though he is the one who has had the meltdown and told me he didn't want to be with any more. I suspect he wants to punish me (for whatever I apparently did to upset him that he is yet to tell me) so won't allow me to see her. It's just so sad and I feel so helpless. I could try waiting for him to calm down and then ask if I can see her, at the moment I would give anything to give her a cuddle.

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 11/08/2021 20:05

Maybe call his bluff and tell him you have been looking at ddogs. I had to leave ddog behind when I left exh. Ll would not allow pets... Was hard not to worry as my exh wasn't a good pet owner... Dc loved the ddog so at least they got to see her.
I have 4 ddogs now and new dh knows if we split I am keeping all of them!!

sunnyzweibrucken · 11/08/2021 20:10

Awwww I'm sorry, this must be tough! I can't imagine splitting up with someone and them getting the dog. How heartbreaking. Too bad he's being petty and wont let you share custody or at least have her from time to time. Maybe once he comes to his senses you can talk to him about it.

fuzzymoomin · 11/08/2021 20:11

If he really loves the dog and cares for her wellbeing he should want you to see her. Surely the dog is missing you too?! You might be assuming he won't do joint custody but don't rule it out without trying for it first.

Cyberworrier · 11/08/2021 20:13

This is so sad OP, I’m so sorry. How long have you been split up? I’m assuming it’s still pretty recent and raw?
The good thing is that you’re confident he will be taking good care of the dog. Not that it helps with you missing her, but if you feel she is being cared for and loved that is something.
If you can stand to (understandable if you can’t) try to get on good terms with your ex and suggest that you could look after the dog if he ever goes away etc. Do you have any mutual friends or a good relationship with any of his family you could talk to about this, who might back up your idea of sharing the dog or at least you being able to have her occasionally?
My heart does break for you.

Original poster
Mimzical · 11/08/2021 20:41

@fuzzymoomin I hope she does miss me!

@Cyberworrier we broke up 3 weeks ago, was not pretty. He completely flipped overnight and just decided he didn't want to be with me anymore and said I was a horrible person. He is a functioning alcoholic and rather than deal with it he chooses to lash out at me instead. He demanded I leave his house immediately and I packed up my stuff and left. Despite ignoring all his abusive messages he then announced he was blocking me (even though I never replied). He really has had a complete meltdown, I honestly don't understand the behaviour at all. I have respected his request to not to be contacted but I caved today and sent an email saying I missed the dog and would like to see the dog and can I also pick up a few things that I left behind and he reacted with more anger and said he never want to see or hear from again.

I have considered contacting his parents not just about the dog but also because despite how upset I am with everything I am actually worried by his erratic behaviour. I thought against it in the end As it feels unfair to drag them into this.

I probably need to let him calm down and try and approach him again however given he has insisted on blocking me the only I could do that is to go to the house. I would give anything to see her.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 11/08/2021 20:50

This sounds absolutely horrible Mimzical, you poor thing.
I don’t know, if I had an a relative going through what your ex is going through, I would want to know. Not to say you should contact them now, but perhaps in a week or so. Or maybe you could try speaking to your ex in a week or so first on the phone, if you can face that.

I really think you should have someone with you if you do have to go to the house to collect belongings, as your ex really doesn’t sound stable.

Try to take care of yourself and not worry about the dog for a week or so, hopefully time will have a positive effect on your ex as well. Where are you staying?

FreshFreesias · 11/08/2021 20:57

If it was my dog, I’d figure out how to break in and get her back, but at least you say she is being cared for properly.

user1471457751 · 12/08/2021 05:53

@FreshFreesias - breaking & entering and theft are criminal acts so you would be rather stupid to do that

AgentJohnson · 12/08/2021 08:05

@FreshFreesias, some thoughts should remain in your head.

It sounds like he did you a favour by ending the relationship. Take one day at a time.

Original poster
Mimzical · 12/08/2021 09:47

Thank you everyone, I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. It's nice to know there are lovely people out there when I am struggling.

@Cyberworrier I am staying at my mum's. I am so grateful I have her and I am so lucky that she will always let me stay in a heartbeat however it's tough being 33 and back home staying in your childhood bedroom thinking about everything I have lost.

I will wait a week as you suggested and hope the sting comes out of whatever anger it is he is feeling. I'm not positive at all that he will let me see her but all I can do is try. Its so frustrating that he can't be a grown up about this when he has caused all the upheaval. I feel powerless.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 13/08/2021 18:11

Hello OP.
That’s good you’re staying with your mum and you sound close. Hope you’re doing ok. It must feel really hard and not where you want to be, as you say- but honestly his actions are showing that you are better off away from him. The blessing is that you feel he will be caring for the dog even if he’s being so cruel to you in keeping you away from her. Hopefully time will calm him down and make him more reasonable. It could be tempting to react extremely like he is, but I think that would backfire and just fuel whatever is going on with him. I think you’re being very wise being patient and also recognising that you know your dog will be being cared for, however much you miss her. I really hope things work out for you.
Take care of yourself.

thisisthebestest · 14/08/2021 19:19

It might be he gets bored of the dog and offers it back to you.
I personally would get another dog, a rescue if you can, then he's got no hold over you.
It's painful and I've been through the same situation, but, same as you, my ex cares about the dog and needed her more than I did.
So rescued a couple of older dogs from the dogs trust who's owner had died.
They don't replace my original dog as they are very different, but weirdly because they are all mine I love them more.

Original poster
Mimzical · 19/08/2021 18:56

Hi ladies,

I just wanted to say thank you again for your advice and support last week. I followed your advice and left it a week to speak to my ex again and he managed to calm down enough to let me see my dog today. She was even more beautiful than I remembered and we had lots of cuddles and kisses! Whilst my heart is still heavy from the breakup it has lifted my spirits seeing her again!

Think the ex was a bit put out that I was only interested in the dog though. What a pity!

Thank you again.

Love mimzical xxx

OP posts:
BillieSpain · 19/08/2021 19:07

Oh so happy for you OP

I am in a similar situation and me and DD have not seen our dog for 9 weeks. But, like you, I have negotiated seeing her on Sunday woop woop! I have bought her a special bone.

I hope she remembers me.

She had to stay with STBXH as that is the property with the big garden, I am now in a flat near DD's school. Wouldn't be fair on my (big) dog to live there.

Hope you are feeling better Flowers

Original poster
Mimzical · 19/08/2021 19:15

@BillieSpain I am so pleased you are seeing her! She will have missed you so much and hope you get lots of sloppy kisses xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mimzical · 19/08/2021 22:11

Oh I have spoken too soon and ex has now said I am not allowed to see her again. God forbid he ever lets me have even an inkling of bloody happiness!

OP posts:
Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 19/08/2021 22:14

Tell him you are considering getting a dpuppy.
Bet he reconsiders..

Porcupineintherough · 20/08/2021 08:49

Honestly it's best you dont see the dog, you need a clean break from each other. And whilst the dog is eased to see you, it will be fine with one owner who cares forit.

Be honest, if it was your dog would you want your ex to be hanging around for years because he had visiting rights or would you want to move on?

RickOShay · 20/08/2021 08:54

@Mimzical I’m so sorry. Have a big hug and a cup of tea from me. He’s behaving appallingly. Could you try and talk to his parents? I really hope things work out for youFlowers

BillieSpain · 20/08/2021 10:29

@Porcupineintherough

Honestly it's best you dont see the dog, you need a clean break from each other. And whilst the dog is eased to see you, it will be fine with one owner who cares forit.

Be honest, if it was your dog would you want your ex to be hanging around for years because he had visiting rights or would you want to move on?

Do you have a dog? You could say that to peoople with DC's together Hmm
Porcupineintherough · 20/08/2021 10:31

@BillieSpain my much beloved dog died a few years ago. I also have children. They are not the same.