NC with my dad

[NameChangeForNC]

NCd for this as it might be recognisable. A few months ago I chose to go no contact with my DF after two decades of controlling behaviour and physical and emotional abuse.

It had been on my mind for a couple of years as something I’d like to do, and I genuinely believe it’s the right choice, especially as I have young nieces and nephews now and hopefully will have DC of my own in the next few years. I can’t bear the thought of them growing up still watching me being treated badly and thinking it’s a normal family dynamic.

I initially felt great about my decision but I’m now hearing through other (more distant) family members a very twisted version of our final argument and how hurt he is that I’ve cut him out. My DF is very charming and most people outside of immediate family don’t know anything even close to how things have been.

I’m starting to now feel weirdly guilty. His health isn’t great and clearly most people in the family think I’ve overreacted. When I get into bed at night I’m lying awake for hours worrying that I’ve somehow blown everything out of proportion. I also just feel really, really sad. I was wondering if anyone else been through anything similar, or hoping for any words of wisdom from those who can think more clearly than me!

Your father is giving his version. You know the truth. He is manipulating you through his 'flying monkeys'. Don't fall for it. I suggest you get counselling to help reinforce your decision to go NC. You are an adult. You now understand what abuse is whereas when you were a child you may not have understood. You don't owe him a moment of your time or headspace. Next time anyone tries to mention his name to you simply tell them that you are not interested and not to mention him again. Delete any texts if they try to make you feel guilty that way, and don't respond.

Hi, firstly i am sorry you are going through this. I am NC from my parent, many years now, and the blaming and twisting by them is just them covering their own tracks. To do other wise means they have to face their own reality, that their behaviour pushed you away. Secondly they are using your other relatives to carry the story and guilt back.

i also went through a type of grieving process, like you the whats iffs, the guilt, the loss, its natural and will ease with time

Be very kind to yourself but stay strong, work through the grief like you would any loss and if need be keep some of those others at arms length till you feel stronger. Dont engage till you know your in a good place to explain the reasons without them wearing you down. .

Big hugs

This is how they get away with the abuse. Twisting things around so the they look good and are the wronged party.
The rest is FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) you are not only having a normal response but a response that has been programmed into you.

It does get better and easier as the emotional distance becomes greater.

The issue that you have now is what do you do about the distant family members, if you rarely see them and they are supporting your father you may need to cut them out as well.

and the charming behaviour to others is again how they get away with it for so long.

This is really tough - my daughter (18) is in the same position and has fairly recently gone no contact. He is of course giving a sob story to the rest of the family who don't know the half of it. I would second the counselling - my daughter had a few sessions and it helped her massively to see that his behaviour was not acceptable and that it wasn't her problem. On the occasions she has let him in slightly he just sucks her back in with his abusive bullshit. People rarely change, I'm afraid. I find it hard to watch as her mother but she is dealing with it really maturely. Stand your ground, and don't let him invade your thoughts. Totally understand you feel sad, I also feel sad for my daughter that she doesn't have a loving father. But it's absolutely not your fault.

You have absolutely made the right decision; have a look too at the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Re your comment:-
"I initially felt great about my decision but I’m now hearing through other (more distant) family members a very twisted version of our final argument and how hurt he is that I’ve cut him out".

Ignore these "flying monkeys"; they are not interested in hearing your side of things and their opinion therefore should be ignored. Disordered people like your dad often use well meaning but easily manipulated relatives into doing their bidding for them. You know the truth here and your dad remains abusive. He was once young and abusive and now he is old and abusive. He has not changed since those days; he has not apologised nor has taken any responsibility for his actions. The fact that his health is now failing has nothing to do with it so do not go down that dead end rabbit hole.

Most of the time people don’t even care to hear the reasons adult children have for not seeing their parents; they just tell these adult children they are wrong. They automatically defend the parents without even hearing or caring about the reason behind the broken relationship. People are so afraid that if they ‘hear you’ and validate your reasons for not having relationship with your parents, or for going no contact, that they might have to think about the dysfunctional relationships they have with their parents or even worse, with their grown kids. So often parents equate regarding their children as equally valuable with giving up their power and control over them. (and If giving up their power and control in favour of embracing equal value is something that they are not willing to consider doing, they insist on going down rabbit holes and changing the subject, always turning it back on the child, rather than giving their child a chance to be heard.)

Your dad had a choice when it came to you and he chose to abuse you as he did. You've made the right choice here to protect yourself from being further abused at his hands. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. What happened to you is all on him, you are in no way at fault here. It may be an idea for you to also contact NAPAC.napac.org.uk/

Have a look also at the Out of the FOG website.

I second the Stately Homes thread. This is a really normal reaction. Of course he's telling everyone his twisted version of events; if he were more reasonable you wouldn't need to go NC in the first place.

I've been there (2 years now) and I promise it gets easier with time and greater distance. You'll find your centre again, away from the dysfunction and familial trauma.

Don't feel guilty, my father put his own spin on things when I established no contact, in fact he carried the letter I wrote him around in his wallet so he could read excerpts from it to anyone who would offer a bit of sympathy (found this out from other relatives).
But you've just got to shrug it off, you both know the truth of what the history is and thats what matters.

Ive been NC with my mother for about 18 years now.

She had a terrible upbringing and was mentally unstable my entire childhood. She could be very generous but also very cruel. It was always put down to her 'not feeling well'

From my teens there was always periods of time I would go NC. Sometimes six months, sometimes less but after the usual 'lets pretend nothing happened' her behaviour started creeping back in. She would never ever discuss what had happened or admit what she had done. It was always some one else's fault.

So I went NC and for years I did feel guilty but as time went on I was bit shocked she never reached out to me either so it rolled in to years. About ten years in I went to her house and she looked over joyed I was there. She had aged badly. We met up a few times and I invited her for Christmas Day as she had no where else to go. She got absolutely pissed and made a show of her self in a restaurant, tried it on with my DH dad, started bring up stuff from 40 years ago, spoke to DH like shit.

So I went NC again. And yes I felt like shit for doing it but I count have that shit back in my life again.

Don't let him gaslight you through other people. 'You^ know exactly what he is like.