How to handle this conversation

[PrimeOfMyLife]

Sorry this is a long read.

My dad died when I was a toddler and my sister a few months old. He had been in the process of starting his own business which meant there was no money at all all so my mum immediately went back to work. She worked really hard to ensure we always had food and a home. Financially we were not great but managing, but the emotional part was often missing which was understandable.

She was very very strict with her rules and my sister and I weren’t allowed to do anything like parties, boyfriends etc until AFTER university so we had to find creative ways to do stuff. Unfortunately because she was always working it made sneaking around easy. We were not model children and did make her life difficult, my sister was an absolute terror. I was more subtle and made sure I didn’t get caught. She was not and is not an easy person to talk to and is very judgmental. Her way is always the right way. As soon as I was able to I moved to the other side of the world and just go back for about a week every year and I only phone her about once a month and keep it short.

Over the years I’ve been letting resentment build up due to some of her actions or words from the past. This build up of anger started as soon as I said I don’t want children and got the usual spiel of you’re crazy, will regret it, being selfish etc. After a while I told her not to talk to me about it ever again but she sometimes she still tries to indirectly mention it. I did say to her why is she so desperate for us to have kids when hers turned out to be little shits. My sister doesn’t want them either but doesn’t get the flack I do as she has MH issues.

There’s a lot more I can mention but it will take days! Anyway I need to let go of this bitterness and resentment. We spoke recently and she made a comment that got me riled up and I said we’re not like other mothers and daughters and she should stop pretending. She got really hurt and we spoke more but ended the conversation quickly as we were getting upset.

I need to get everything off my chest but how do I do it without coming across as a whiny teenager (I’m mid 40’s)? She genuinely believes we are close and can’t understand why I’m so distant. I don’t want to cut her out of my life, she’s had a tough life and I understand my dad dying is the reason she is the way is but I need to move forward. How do I start the conversation and not get upset or emotional bearing in mind this will be a phone call.

Thank you if you got this far!!

Well it was pretty much the same with me and my son. My husband dumped us and went abroad and I had to work full time all hours. I was very strict with my son because I didn't want him roaming the streets at 12, I'd ring home to check he was there and not up to no good.
It was less than ideal and I was not only horribly exhausted, short of money and feeling like a terrible mother but at the end of it my son went to university has a successful career and I helped him buy a house.
There was a period in his 30's where he felt very angry about it but we sat down and had a civilised conversation about it all, he had never realised I was exhausted to the point of death or that we were so poor as I had hidden it all from him and he was shocked.
He realises now that mother is not infallible and I did the best I could do under the circumstances to give him the best upbringing I could manage.
I expect your mother already feels awful about the circumstances in which you were brought up too but she did her best.
It really is terrifying to be in this situation.
Try not to be too judgmental until you have walked a mile in her shoes. How much better would you have done in her circumstances?
My own mother was unable to cope when her husband left and we ended up in a rat infested hovel looking like beggars as there was no money for anything on benefits for 10 years and she retreated into nervous breakdowns and mental health problems.
I had to do all the shopping and housework aged only 6 and take myself to school there was no support from her.
I really wished I could have had a strong mother like myself. I rarely talk to her these days. She taught me nothing, she gave me nothing.
I've seen both sides.
It was incredibly hard in the 1980's when I had my son as equal opportunities were very new, single parents were still looked down on.
Don't be too hard on her.

I should add I'm very open to conversations with my son and not afraid to say sorry but some people can't cope with all that.
Try therapy first to sort through your feelings.

People were stricter decades ago, life is different now. It sounds to me like she had it hard, very hard, and wanted the best for you both, her approach may not have been always right

Personally I’d try to think of it from her perspective and not just yours. You write you understand, but I’m not sure that really true. Is it?

I'm sympathetic but I don't think it's fair to vent at your mother about this. It sounds like her life raising you and your sister was incredibly tough and she did the best job she could - what more could you want from her?

I don't mean this to come across in the wrong way but you're not a mother, so you do not understand the position she was placed in and the difficult decisions she had to make. To be punished for those decisions some 20 years later is not fair in my view. No one is a perfect parent but most people are doing the best job they know how, in the circumstances they are in. Everyone has grumbles and gripes about their parents, that's natural. It doesn't mean we should berate them for our childhoods.

I think you'd be a lot better speaking to a therapist about how you feel and learning to process and let go of your feelings that way. Try to improve your relationship with your mum now going forward, rather than destroy it and probably leave you all feeling like shit.

You think I don’t understand based on what I wrote which is fair enough. It’s not to easy to convey feelings properly within a few paragraphs. Yes I do understand but as I said a lot more went on and it’s hard to let go of the resentment especially when she calls me selfish for not wanting a child (and tells me she wishes we were more like cousin A B and C).

I am overly sensitive, get defensive and a wall gets put up when she says things like that and I retreat.

Calling you selfish is clearly out of order and you can address that with her. For your child hood issues irs different, it’s impossible for you to understand what it’s like to habe two very young children and be bereaved and alone trying to raise them and deal with it financially

Your post is all mixed up. Like your emotions are all over the place, I think instead of going after your mother, you go for counselling to help you come to terms with the fact your father died young, how your mother raised you, explore what it was like for her, and then decide

It's admirable to want to deal with your feelings and you obviously recognise a lot of issues in yourself you want to address. That's a great thing. And they probably are broadly linked to issues from your childhood. But I agree with PP the best way to manage them now and move forward in a positive way is to seek professional help to understand and process them.

I don't mean this to come across in the wrong way but you're not a mother, so you do not understand the position she was placed in and the difficult decisions she had to make. To be punished for those decisions some 20 years later is not fair in my view

Would you as a mother tell your 15 year old & 11 year old your life would be so much easier if you didn’t have them?

Clearly my posting was a mistake. I’m getting defensive towards strangers on the web. Maybe therapy the way forward.

I think you're right, you need to get everything off your chest. But with a counsellor, not your mum. Your mum will probably never respond in the way you want her to, but speaking to a counsellor will allow you to express all the things you need to safely. I don't mean don't talk to your mum, but I feel it would be useful for you to work through your own stuff independently of her.

I didn't want to read and run, it sounds like you're in a lot of emotional pain regarding your past. I'm sorry if I'm projecting too much, but I can see where you're coming from.

I'm not in your exact situation, but I do know what it's like to have insane rules imposed as a teen/young adult, and I know what it's like to have a very difficult parent-child relationship as a result. I don't think you'll ever be able to explain it to your mum, because she isn't set up to hear you, and you'll just make yourself more and more upset trying to get her to understand your point of view. It's likely she'd rewrite the narrative anyway, mine does. It's astounding how she remembers events compared to the reality. Counselling would help you work through issues and could give you the reflective time you need.

I also completely understand how you can be grateful and appreciate the sacrifices your mother made for you while also resenting things she has done or said. I've heard the most horrendous things from my parents at times, but they really did do their best for me in their opinion, and it's very very hard to marry those two opposing things together in my brain. How can they say they love me and (when really really pushed) are proud of me, but also say I ruin everything and everyone I've ever come into contact with? I can imagine from your post you've had similar; how can she have worked so very hard to provide for you and your sister, but also say some of the hurtful things she has over the years? Again, talking to someone impartial might really help, it sounds like there's a lot you'd like to make sense of and process.

@ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule thank you. Family relationships can be so complicated. Against the advice here and what I told myself about speaking to a therapist, I did just have the conversation with my mum. She actually called me because she was mulling over our talk from yesterday and wanted to know how she had failed as a mother

I told her she hadn’t and it was my issues I need to deal with. The call was over an hour and half but in summary I apologised a lot, told her I’m too sensitive and always expect her to make a negative or judgemental comment hence the lack of phone calls. My biggest issue is I think she is disappointed in my living my childfree life. She said she has accepted it but will always be worried about me regretting the decision and not having family around me when I’m older. I told her how a lot of things she said when I was younger had hurt me and find it difficult to forget. As you mentioned she did rewrite and deny some aspects of the past but she also said she had been stressed and unhappy so would lash out at times.

I think we have cleared the air a little bit regarding current problems and I do feel better and hope we can move forward. I will never get what I fully want from her regarding the past which is where speaking to a therapist will help me.