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Original poster

When only one of you has kids...?

11 replies

lauramaccy · 11/08/2021 08:09

I'm interested to know what the trajectory of a successful relationship has been for any of you who have kids, while your partner doesn't.

I am currently dating someone who doesn't have kids, while I do. He doesn't even have young nieces/nephews or god-kids. He doesn't even have friends with kids.

I wasn't too concerned initially but it's becoming apparent that the relationship really has potential to be long term.

I've introduced my kids to just one partner in the past, but only introduced him as friend. That person also had children so it was easier.

It's early days yet (3 months) but I think I'm fairly safe to say it would be going somewhere.

I am not looking to introduce him to my kids any time soon (they're 11 and 9), rather just thinking about how things might work if/when the relationship develops further.

I am interested to know positive stories of how this has worked for you in a more serious relationship and how things have moved forwards.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2021 08:34

I’m a step mum who didn’t have any and we now have one together.

What does he think about dating someone who has children? How does he think it’s going to work? How involved would he want to be? Does he like children?

Original poster
lauramaccy · 11/08/2021 08:45

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’m a step mum who didn’t have any and we now have one together.

What does he think about dating someone who has children? How does he think it’s going to work? How involved would he want to be? Does he like children?

We haven't talked about it yet. I know he wants kids one day in general, but I imagine he's never really thought about the step-parent question before as it wouldn't have factored in his previous dating life.

It's not something he and I are at the stage of discussing, but there are definitely some very strong feelings between us and it's moving forward, for sure.

OP posts:
LowlytheWorm · 11/08/2021 08:48

When I met my now husband he was childless as it just hadn’t happened for him (no serious relationship history really). We married less than a year later with me having similar age kids to you @lauramaccy and had two more of our own as well.
With me having the kids I felt I didn’t want a non serious relationship so just laid my cards out pretty fast and said I was looking for commitment and marriage. Didn’t want to waste my time nor his and wouldn’t have introduced kids to someone not serious.

Worked for us! 🥰

Bluntness100 · 11/08/2021 08:48

No two people or relationships are the same op. Your relationship may develop and he takes to living with kids well. He may not. It’s very difficult to be honest living with someone else’s kids. You’re a few weeks in, chill ans see how it goes.

LowlytheWorm · 11/08/2021 08:50

“It's not something he and I are at the stage of discussing”

See I think it should be. No point in it going further and getting more serious is it if he doesn’t want to be around kids? Just talk about it? You’re clearly not young adults in your early twenties so I don’t see the issue of addressing it soon?

litterbird · 11/08/2021 09:09

"It's early days yet (3 months) but I think I'm fairly safe to say it would be going somewhere."......you said this in the OP........then this further down......

"We haven't talked about it yet. I know he wants kids one day in general, but I imagine he's never really thought about the step-parent question before as it wouldn't have factored in his previous dating life."

Does your partner know its going somewhere? 12 weeks together is so very little time especially with children involved. Have you discussed if he is willing to be a step parent and the challenges it brings? You seem adamant the relationship is going long term for you and if that is to happen I would be having conversations with him immediately. He has had little exposure to children and may come as a shock to him to take on 2 children at once. I found with my dating life I have dated men with children and men without children. With all lovely intentions and however lovely the men were who were childless they just didn't grasp the enormity of how children have to come first, the restrictions around going out, baby sitters etc etc. I settled with someone who has got children and the unwritten acknowledgement of the restrictions was already there. Its so early on in your relationship I would just chill, have the best of times, dont over project your future with him as there are so many variables and have those conversations when its right. He maybe your knight in shining armour...who knows but no one knows after 12 weeks xx

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2021 09:17

Do you want more DC? That’s a pretty big factor either way.

Sunshineandflipflops · 11/08/2021 09:24

I agree with a pp about sometimes men not realising what comes with having children. When my marriage ended I did some dating and all but one of the moen I dated had children so understood I couldn't just be available whenever/be spontaneous/had to think about my kids a lot.

the one I dated without kids just didn't get it and said things like "it's a shame you have your kids this weekend", which I'm sure there was no malice in but I've never seen my kids as a burden or a shame so that ended quite soon after.

I also knew I didn't want any more kids, whereas I think he would have done at some point.

I guess if you think this is going somewhere you need to have a talk with him to see if your wants and needs align, otherwise you are both wasting your time,a s much as you might like him.

Original poster
lauramaccy · 11/08/2021 09:33

@AnneLovesGilbert

Do you want more DC? That’s a pretty big factor either way.
I do, yes.
OP posts:
jimmyjammy001 · 11/08/2021 12:58

In my experience it has never worked out due to completely different lifestyles and the indifference in the amount of free time we each have and also the restrictions in what you can and cannot do because of childcare issues and the other partner having to wait around for them to become free.

If one person has no ties and can do what ever they want whenever they want and the other person cannot then it just creates friction and resentment in the end.

I find it best you should start off and ask him what he thinks entails being a step parent and what is expected of him and what he thinks it will be like eventually living with you and your children, it will have a massive lifestyle change for him rather than the current restriction free no ties lifestyle he currently leads.
Is happy to go on days out and holidays with you and your children in the future even if that means having to do things he may not like or to places he does not want to goto, especially holidays, going to a family orientated place rather than an adult one is make or break for some people.

ravenmum · 11/08/2021 13:15

My mum and I moved in with my stepfather when I was 8. He was 38, no children, no nieces or nephews. He made a huge effort to get me to like him - took me out on my bike, walked me to school, told me jokes, read me stories. They went on to have two more children and he kept up the great parenting. Now a much-loved grandad who still insists on going down on the floor with the little ones despite his dodgy hip :)

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