I feel trapped

[Icedcherries]

I have 2 children with a man who I spent 8 years with. But we didn't go near eachother anymore and after 2 years with no sex, kissing or desire to be in the same room I told him how I felt and that I wanted us to acknowledge it was over and figure out going forward. We have a house etc together. But he buried his head in the sand. He cried and told me he felt his life was over. Opted out of telling his family. So I couldn't tell mine either. Although I have told my sister how it is.

A few months after this conversation I met an older man by 14 years. I confided in friends and I told my children's dad. I did my best to be patient and didn't do anything physical with the new man. We got really close and eventually he pulled away due to his own fears of getting close to me and was worried he'd loose me. We had a few months of not talking. My best friend was very much, don't get back involved with him now and stay away as she saw how upset I was to loose him.

A month ago he got back in touch. We decided we wanted to meet up and have a coffee and chat. So we did a few days later and we had sex. We realised that for the 10 months we had our "friendship" we've never gotten over our feelings. We definitely needed to pull back to realise how we both felt though.

He added me on Facebook and I accepted but my friend isn't aware he's on there. We have met up a few times since. We went for a lovely walk together the other night and just talked for hours.

When I got home the guilt hit me as I'm sneaking around. In the eyes of all family etc I'm not single. They don't know the truth and without my ex on board how can I move on? He just won't see it. I've been as gentle as I possibly can and I've been honest. He still insists he's waiting incase we sort it.

The question is am I bad for spending time with this man? I don't know right now if it will last. I have no intentions of the kids becoming involved for a long time. But I'm loving having adult conversations. Laughing. Having sex and feeling close to someone again. We want to spend time together.

I just feel sick at having to tell my friend. Plus my children's dad doesn't like him as he sees him as the reason i didn't want to stay with him (not the case) then I think of explaining to family. How do I explain I ended my relationship months and months ago and I've only just been physical with someone else.

The hardest part is the new man asked me if my best friend knows we are back on and I felt guilty for that to as he doesn't know how she feels about him.

Do you think I'm wrong or is it my life and I need to toughen up?

But your relationship with your partner ( kids dad) HASN'T ended. Sounds like you had a difficult conversation, he put his hands over his ears ( metaphorically), and everything went back to normal. But then it stretched on for over a year?
You were complicit in this, so you are having an affair.

Tell your partner you want a divorce. Be clear.
Start the proceedings. Tell your family.

OK first of all. We haven't carried on. We don't go bear eaxhother. We don't sleep in the same room. We don't sit together. He knows nothing has changed.

Secondly we are not married. There is no divorce to be had.

The only part is he has buried his head in the sand and gets so upset if I try and bring it up.

But you are still with current partner, you've not broken up hes still the house. You are cheating emotionally and physically, just admit that to yourself, end things with current partner he deserves to know and move on with his life and then you can move on with your life.

Why have you not made any plans to move out/sell the house? If he's still sticking his head in the sand, you need to do SOMETHING to make it real.

Tell your family. Tell his family.

This relationship is dead in the water but you cannot move on until you actually start doing something about it.

And I don't think you're being fair to new partner either as he's having to tiptoe around you like a guilty secret.

I agree with PP. this situation will get very messy if you don’t make an actual break with your current partner that you live with. Surely, Your new boyfriend probably won’t stay around for long if this persists? What if your relationship progresses and you want to move in, get married? But you’re still in the house with old partner?

You really need to break away from you partner and let him move on too. It will probably make your mental health better. You’ve already had the conversation once, do it again but come prepared with a plan for how and when to leave.

You need a clean break with your ex, for your sake if nothing else. You can't keep living with someone just because they refuse the alternative. You need to see a solicitor and find out what your rights and options are, make a plan and then push for it.

You're lying to your family,friends etc all to protect a man that gives you nothing and is burying his head in the sand. Why? It needs to stop. It's over.

If you're not married, but still living together, then OF COURSE your partner thinks you are still in a relationship.

Be clear that you want to end the relationship, and sell the house. Seriously. There's nothing serious holding you together- end it if you don't want to be with him.
Move out if you can.

I understand that your situation led to these events so I don’t blame you but you are being selfish here. You are cheating.

You need to end the relationship properly before moving on, you wrote like you don’t have a choice because he is burying his head in the sand and getting upset but that’s his choice. You have a choice to break this off before you get involved with someone else.

I've been in your situation. Its horrible as hell. The anxiety is awful and you will be viewed as the bad guy... cause really we are. But you've done this for a reason. You and your partner are not happy. Get out of there. Your OH will be absolutely devestated for a while. He will then pick himself back up, realise neither of you were happy and you were both wasting your lives with each other.

Then you can both be happy. A house isn't the be all and end all of either of your existences. You and him will both be okay.

Oh for goodness sake. Ignore the PP. You are not the bad guy here. Your partner is. You have told him the relationship is over. You live separately in the same house. He knows it is over. He has sought to emotionally manipulate you with threats of mental breakdown and intimations of suicide to try to coerce you into staying. His behaviour is appalling.

You have not 'cheated' on anyone. Your partner is lying to himself.

You do need to finally physically separate so that you are no longer in the same house. That way you can fully move on with your own life. What is practically stopping you from doing this?

Agree with Wednesdayweather. I also live with someone who buries their head in the sand but I'm going through with it this time