Is there such a thing as a "right one"?

[Etherel]

I don't know. Mid-30s, 2 children, divorced. Just broke up with partner of 1 year because there were just too many issues for me to deal with (part of ASD from both sides I guess, but also a big age difference of 10 years (I'm older)).

I'm starting to think there is no such thing as the right one. Do I have to put up with either anger issues, sensory issues, commitment issues, faithfulness issues etc. in order to have a functioning relationship? I don't want all-out happiness, but it would be nice to just not have to worry once in a while, be content, just be able to be myself and find my lid, so to speak. And at my age I am aware the good ones may already be taken.

Give me hope, I guess?

Ok not good.

I think there is; my DH is by no means perfect but he makes me happy and for the small amount of time that he annoys or upsets me the majority of the time I’m happy with him/ the things you describe would be deal breakers for me; they’re not things to just put up with

You don’t have to put up with any unpleasant behaviour. Start thinking about what you deserve as a human, not what you are willing to put up with. Give yourself a break.

@Finfintytint

You don’t have to put up with any unpleasant behaviour. Start thinking about what you deserve as a human, not what you are willing to put up with. Give yourself a break.

I just feel that after all these years, there must be something wong with me to not be able to hold down a relationship.

There are people who are righter for you than most others because you have similar attitudes, personalities, values and ways of seeing the world. If there are arguments, anger issues, commitment issues and unfaithfulness then these people are just not right for you or you for them. Why would it be something you have to put up with? Why would you want a relationship full of anger and drama and falling out? What would be the point? You move on, you try again when you’re ready, and you pay attention to all the early signs that somebody has sent a good match for you, without thinking that “this will do” or “I’ll see wit it gets better” because that’s not where good relationships ever start from.

I just feel that after all these years, there must be something wong with me to not be able to hold down a relationship.

I think the only things wrong with you are that you have a low bar and poor boundaries. People in a place to have healthy relationships don’t question whether they should put up with abuse or cheating for the sake of not having to be single.

That’s something it’s a really good idea to try and address with some kind of talking therapy before you start dating again. Why do you think it’s possibly worth putting up with a bad relationship which makes you unhappy rather than being on your own and making yourself happy?

yes, you are probably right

It wouldn't be a functioning relationship though. It would be a malfunctioning relationship.

I'd rather be single. It's easier.

But I believe there are 'some right ones' out there for everyone.

At your age, with children, I'd say date but don't move in with them, that way you don't get stuck with someone problematic and can duck out easily.

Do I have to put up with either anger issues, sensory issues, commitment issues, faithfulness issues etc. in order to have a functioning relationship?

Don't you see the irony of what you have said? These all constitute a dysfunctional relationship. Don't sell yourself short.

I think there will always be an element of compromise because no one is perfect, we all have our flaws. It's finding someone who is compatible with you, to make a life together where each partner is adding to the life of the other and not taking away too much due to their own faults. For every person that looks a bit different, there are red lines we should never accept, like violence obviously, but there are other lines that others can cross in balance of everything else. I accept some of my DH's flaws because everything else far outweighs those flaws and overall he makes me very happy, (I think) I'm the same for him! It takes time to get to that balance though.

I didn't get together with my DH until I was 36. At that point I had resigned myself to never finding the right person, I had had so many relationships that didn't work out for various reasons. Luckily I was wrong so I would say never give up hope!

If I could go back I would tell my younger self not to stay so long in bad relationships, all the time and energy you pour into those is just keeping you from meeting someone lovely.

Compromise is fine but not on anything that you've listed.

I've managed to find an absolute gem in my 50s. But rather be on my own than with someone not brilliant (for me).

I am wrong for people though. Autistic and rubbish at reading emotions. Damaged from previous chaeting and abuse and even counselling couldn't shift that. Kids and no desire to have more. No friends. I am just alone.

If I were you I'd look to form friendships instead of relationships for company. And maybe just date a few young hotties for fun. There are lots of younger men that like the 35ish age range.

Bumble is good for meeting friends. Or meetup.