Life is bloody hard rubbish sometimes ...[sad]

[anon12345anon]

Please be kind, this is my first post. Just having a really rubbish day.
Well actually its been a horrible year with bereavements, and then DH and I splitting 5 months ago after 15 years of marriage (no kids - we can't have them). Both of us late 30's/ early 40's.

Ex-H to be is a good man but we've lost the spark, and although he called it a day, and has really taken the brunt/wrath of family and friends, I think its probably the right thing to do. We don't make each other happy, and I suppose life is too short. There is definitely no one else involved.
So the house has been sold, and we've walked away amicably with 50/50. Divorce is ongoing.
I've taken up new hobbies, and made efforts reconnecting with friends, etc, and in that respect it's been positive for me. I'm fully independent, good job, etc.

Problem is, shortly after we split, I got in touch with an old friend, and long story short we have started dating......And I really really like him. The sex is amazing, and he just makes me feel happy. This is probably highlighted because the last year of our marriage was stale, and negative, and more or less sex-less.

So a couple of days ago, my STBEXH asked me if I was seeing someone else. I told him I was, and he said that he was honestly really happy for me, he just suspected and wanted to know.
I had started to tell close friends and family, about the new guy, although I stressed it was casual.....

Anyway, so I was supposed to be seeing new guy tonight, and I was really excited...but he's cancelled - unwell apparently...but I feel in my gut that he is withdrawing, and I dunno, I just feel really upset and a bit foolish

Firstly, I feel sad for STBEXH, and secondly, for me .

I don't know what I'm asking, just some encouraging stories or advice.

💐 OP, you sound like you've had a horrible time lately.

It also sounds like you and your ex have managed to split amicably which is more than most manage, so well done on that.

So you've been seeing new guy for a few months? Is this the first time he's cancelled a date? It seems a massive leap for you to assume that it means he's cooling off. Unless there's been other recent changes in his behaviour?

Ultimately though - even if he IS cooling off, yes it's rubbish and no doubt you'll miss the sex, but you will be okay. You've survived the past year with all its losses. You are a good person who has strength and resilience. You will survive and thrive, whether with a partner or not.

Sometimes your “gut” has a vested interest in telling you completely the wrong thing. In this case, it’s probably not that this new guy is actually withdrawing, but that telling your ex-husband you’re seeing somebody new, and him telling you that he’s happy for you, is confirmation that the relationship is over and he’s also moving on emotionally. And that’s obviously going to make you feel wistful and a bit sad. Plus a matter of weeks between ending a long marriage and dating somebody new really isn’t enough time to process what is, essentially, another bereavement and come to terms with where you’re going to go from here.

Regardless of where this new relationship goes, remember that you’re divorcing because you didn’t make each other happy. You don’t need to jump straight in with a new man to prove this, it remains true on its own. If one cancelled meet makes you feel this insecure and upset, it really doesn’t sound like you’re anywhere near ready to be seeing somebody new.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation
Thankyou so much for your message.

It's actually made me cry
I think it's just all caught up with me today.

I tried to be kinda vague with the details. I've been seeing new guy for about a month, but we've known each other for so long I think I jumped into it a bit quickly.
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, and just hope he isn't cooling off!

Thanks

@ComtesseDeSpair

Thanks, you make very valid points, and I think I've been trying so hard to move on, I haven't really stopped to take stock of it all.

And, I think you are right, STBEXH reaction has made me feel sad - for the reasons you've said.
Thanks x

Hi op. I could be wrong but I think it is too early for you to date. You have to be on your own and happy in order to be in the right mind to date the right person.

I dated whilst I was split but still living with my ex and I dated a guy who I wouldn't have, had he been around when I was happy in my own house and with my life.

You don't have to prove to yourself and to the world that you made the right decision because you're now happy with someone else.

And when you start dating, take it steady, there is no rush. It may not be the next person you're spending the rest of your life with, it can be just some nice times together.

You don't have to prove to yourself and to the world that you made the right decision because you're now happy with someone else.

This really resonates...
So pleased I posted on mumsnet. It's really helpful to help me sort out this muddled mind

Mumsnet really is amazing sometimes. I can say hand on heart that I wouldnt be the woman I am today without it!