Sex, but not intimacy. How to explain it to him?

[EsmeRosa]

My past relationships have been intense, and often messy. Very strong feeling and connection and magic, often followed by brutal break ups and drama.
My husband is the opposite of this. He's lovely, loves me, and is very well rounded and uncomplicated. We're happy. I know he loves me.
But I crave those powerful feelings from the past.
Would love to be able to explain to him my need for intimacy. He is funny and light hearted. I find these great qualities, but I'd love a hug with some intensity, to be able to connect more emotionally.
Here's a note I wrote after a conversation with him yesterday:
I said I struggle to connect with him
He said he knows he’s much more simple and straightforward than people I’ve known before and he knows I dont like that.
I felt better, I tried to hug him tight and feel close to him - he stroked my head and I thought it was feeling good, I closed my eyes and held him tight - then seconds later he ruined it by making some joke about ‘is it wrong for me to be really horny right now ha ha’ then tried it on with me.
He's perfectly mature, and he is loving, he just doesn't seem to understand the need for intimacy. We have sex, it's good, but it's quite quickly sex, rather than foreplay.
He's great, he buys me flowers, looks after me. How do I explain that there's something missing without seeming ungrateful or mean?

Telling him how you feel isn't ungrateful or mean.

Telling him that he's crap for not giving you what you want is.

Stick to 'I...' rather than 'You...'

But to be frank, if he's not doing it for you now, it's not going to be better if you've given him instructions, is he?

You can have exciting without complicated. It sounds like by avoiding drama, you've accidentally sidestepped excitement, too. In essence, he doesn't meet your needs.

I don't think you can, you're either on the same page with this stuff or you're not and it has to come naturally, which it obviously doesn't to him. You can try to meet each other in the middle but it takes time and effort (which he may not be willing to make as he doesn't see it as a problem) and it may still not be enough for you, especially if it feels forced on his part. So I think it's a matter of whether the good things about your relationship outweigh this for you or not and whether you're compatible enough for this to work without the lack of intimacy making you miserable.

I think you might be confusing intimacy with intensity. What you describe in previous relationships is intensity - a sort of wordless passion (which you admit ends in brutal drama). It sounds more like a soap opera than actual everyday intimacy with a partner, which is more about the vulnerability you are both able to share, the trust and communication.

It might be that you have neither intensity or intimacy. It sounds like you would really benefit from some relationship counselling to try and work this all out.

Intensity didn’t appear to really work for you though, did it? It resulted in drama and ultimately the breakup of those relationships where you had it. I think a lot of women with a history of poor relationships do confer passion and intensity with the cycle of ups and downs and the excitement and relief of making up after the downs; is it possible that’s what you’re searching for here, because it’s what you know and find familiar?

If you want sex to include more foreplay then that’s a separate conversation to have about what you both like and how to include it during sex.

I communicate best and find intimacy in my relationships through being open and communicative and sharing things that I don’t with many other people. It’s helped to listen to and learn from my various partners, and understand that what feels intimate to me, isn’t necessarily where they find intimacy; and therefore not to project past experiences on to them but to enjoy finding out what new form something can take.

I’m not entirely sure what you’re looking for from him. I don’t think intimacy or feelings of closeness can be measured by the tightness of hugs?

Your previous relationships sound like they had high drama. Is that what you miss? That adrenaline rush is addictive, but is generally caused by instability and a lack of security. So the highs are high, but the lows are low. It’s generally not a formula for a healthy stable relationship. Your desires are totally valid, but that’s just something to consider, I think.

I don’t think you’re describing intimacy; that sounds more like passion and intensity and the big highs and awful lows that are exciting.
Those things aren’t conducive to long term happy relationships and I’m guessing you must have realised that at some point if you’ve got together and married someone where it isn’t like that.
I’m not sure how you get that from someone who just isn’t like that of I’m honest.

But I crave those powerful feelings from the past.

Drama and passion are not intimacy, and they never worked out in the past, did they?

I agree that what you describe is not what I would call intimacy. Intimacy can be very calm and quiet. It’s not measured by how hard someone hugs me or how dramatic our interactions are. I see it as a way of feeling safe with someone.
The kind of drama you talked about sounds incompatible with a healthy long term relationship. It also sound quite immature.
The thing about the foreplay should be easy to fix if you tell him.

Sounds a lot like my DP tbh! He’s always getting inappropriate boners and can’t take anything seriously but he’s also wonderful and loving and thoughtful so I just laugh it off.

Sometimes I’ll seek out romantic moments like listening to certain songs, or going for a hike to a waterfall, imagining that it will spur him on to seize the moment, but slow dancing just ends with another boner joke and we’re both too knackered by the time we reach the waterfall to be romantic. I think we’re just striving for that picture perfect moment that we’ve seen in movies and ‘reality’ shows, but real life isn’t a movie and what you have with him sounds lovely. Maybe make a point of thinking of - or even telling him - one little thing you love about him every day. See if he starts to do it back.

The Gottman Institute has some good info on building your relationship, to give it solid foundations, and one of the key things there is gratitude and appreciation for what they already do and who they are. By building a culture of appreciation it’s easier for you both to open up. So tell him all the good things you said about him up there ^ and see how he takes it. I think a lot of men people use humour to diffuse an uncomfortable situation so if he’s not sure how to be romantic without it being cheesey, then being inappropriate is easier!

And re the foreplay, if he’s moving things along too fast then slow him down or stop and make it known that you’re not there yet and you need a bit more attention before you get to that point. It can be awkward in the moment and for me it has ended things prematurely a few times when he’s then so hamstrung by second guessing if “it’s time yet” that it just never gets there. However, with some training you should find that he’s more patient and understands that the more he rushes the longer it’s going to take in the long run because you’ll keep stopping and going back to the beginning

It's normal for a man to become aroused when his DP shows affection. Shows everything is working as it should. The feeling is quite pleasant and an erection cannot always be instantly switched off like a light bulb. But he does not need to inform you of this on every conceivable occasion. He needs to learn that sometimes - often - a kiss or cuddle is all that is required and he should not go further unless you urge him on. This is not hard to understand and you should be able to talk to him about it.