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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rescuing wife

16 replies

Mannan1200 · 10/08/2021 11:39

:36Mannan1200

Hi,

I am looking for some advice about my marriage. My DW and I have been married for 8 years (we are both women). I am really struggling with the marriage at the moment and don't really have anyone to go to for advice.

My DW will admit she is a rescue type person. She is very confident and dominating I would say. I am the opposite. I would say our lives have always revolved around her needs and wants and I have gone along with that. What I am struggling with is that I feel she sees me as a project to fix. I do not have many friends and this annoys her a lot. I never have and struggle with friendships. She will make lots of comments of why don't you have more friends, why don't you go out more. It makes me feel awful about something that already hurts me. I am aware I am very lonely and have to deal with that. She will try and think of ways I can fix all the things wrong with my life and if I disagree she gets very annoyed.

I cannot share how I am feeling. I feel like this is who I am as a person and why can't that be good enough. My self esteem is really low at the moment. I can be having a good day then suddenly out of nowhere will come the comments about why I have not been out with friends for a while. It just brings me down. I do try with friendships, I just have no luck with them.

My DW sees herself as a perfect person pretty much and does not understand why I do not act and think the same as her.

Not sure why I am posting, I see lots of threads on here with people who have few friends, do their partners accept this is who they are? Or does it cause issues with them too?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 10/08/2021 12:01

I am much less gregarious than my bf. He's just gone off for two weeks on holiday, and I can tell he's thinking of me potentially feeling lonely or bored as he asked whether I was going to choir practice and seeing my adult children, and encouraged me to go swimming without him.
When we talk about him being more sociable, he accepts my interpretation that he needs company more than I do. He'd never say "why don't you have more friends, why don't you go out more" because he doesn't criticise me or ask pointless questions. (The correct answer to those questions being "Why do bears shit in the woods?")

TheFoundations · 10/08/2021 12:14

If she thinks she's perfect and you're faulty, and you can't share your feelings with her, there's no relationship really. 'Relationship' means you are relating to each other.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/08/2021 12:26

I can be having a good day then suddenly out of nowhere will come the comments about why I have not been out with friends for a while.

When you think about the occasions when she's made these comments, have they frequently been when you've been feeling good?

Odile13 · 10/08/2021 12:27

I’m sorry OP, it sounds hard. I do wonder why your DW asks you why you don’t go out with friends more. Surely at this point in your relationship she knows this is an issue for you and it sounds a bit mean for her to bring it up in this way. It’s just not helpful. Have you tried talking to her about this?

I think there are lots of people who struggle to build friendships, so you aren’t on your own.

Original poster
Mannan1200 · 10/08/2021 12:39

It is very hard to talk to her about this. Any discussions of feelings will end of an argument because she will tell me how I can fix an issue, if I say that won't work for me and this is why, that will cause an argument. Its like she really struggles that I do not see the world from her perspective.

I would say friendships are just an example but it is in lots of areas too. She cannot relate to things unless she has experienced them too. She has never struggled with friendships so how can someone? Her solutions will tend to be just talk to them, that's what I do and it works.

I think she is embarrassed of me and this is why she is pushing it. She will say to me that I am jealous of her life.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 10/08/2021 12:44

How about you - are you embarrassed at having a wife who can't grasp the simple concept of different folks, different strokes? Who bullies the person she's supposed to love most?

BabyBiker · 10/08/2021 13:05

You haven't mentioned going out with her, or mutual friends. What is the situation there?

Original poster
Mannan1200 · 10/08/2021 13:44

@BabyBiker

You haven't mentioned going out with her, or mutual friends. What is the situation there?
We see her friends regularly. They are nice people. I wouldn't say I am close to them. They are similar to her, very loud and extrovert. She wouldn't want me to be close to them I don't think. She gets uncomfortable if any of them text me for instance and I would never see them without her there. We don't have mutual friends.
OP posts:
WunWun · 10/08/2021 13:46

It sounds like she's doing the opposite of trying to fix you. You don't fix someone by pointing out their 'flaws' constantly and criticising.

FetchezLaVache · 10/08/2021 13:50

I agree with @WunWun. Also, why on earth does she complain and belittle you about having no friends and then stymie all attempts by her friends to befriend you?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/08/2021 14:06

I used to be a rescuer/fixer. It caused huge friction between me and my son when he reached adulthood. He would phone me complaining about his flatmates and my instinctive response was to say "do this". Then he would say "no I can't do that because xyz" and I would get frustrated because I felt if he just did what I said it would fix the problem.

I had a bit of a revelation through watching a video, I think it was Esther Perel on YouTube. After that I reminded myself "don't try to fix it, just listen and empathise". I would say things like "that sounds really tough. What are you thinking of doing about it?" Our phone calls immediately became much less stressful!

If your DW could have this type of revelation... Great. However, from what you said about it causing arguments if you bring it up, it honestly doesn't sound hopeful.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/08/2021 14:09

It wasn't Esther Perel, it was Brené Brown. Here's the link.

Gardenfish · 10/08/2021 14:24

If your wife was a husband, I wonder if the comments would be different.

I may be completely wrong but she sounds like an abusive bully. Who seems to keep knocking your conference to make you feel small.

My husband is much more social then me and we both love that. I get time to myself and he gets time with his friends.

Gardenfish · 10/08/2021 14:40

I just wanted to add I think I struggle making friends too and seem to forget my really great friends. And, like you suffer from self-esteem issues, that can stop me from calling my friends.

Plus, as an introvert, I don’t get why people need to be with other people 24/7.

So yeah I get you.

But your wife shouldn’t be making you feel small.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 10/08/2021 17:15

Your wife needs to respect that everyone is different! We are like @gardenfish here, DH is much more sociable. I like reading and swimming and walking, catching up with friends 1:1. He likes bigger groups, pub, snooker, football, etc. We compromise and compliment each other.

VeryQuaintIrene · 10/08/2021 18:11

I was struck by what you said about her seeing herself as a perfect person, which sounds like a red flag to me. Has your dynamic always been like this?

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