Starting again after relationship breakdown

[MeganChar1]

I’m 28 (nearly 29), we have just bought a house together and last week my dp sat me down and said that he doesn’t think we are working anymore and that he hasn’t been happy for a while. We have recently gone through having miscarriages. I was devestated at the time he sat me down but now I’ve had time to think he really isn’t the same person I first got together with and there are a variety of reasons I’m not happy anymore, I have also realised that I want out. I’m absolutely terrified of being on my own again, before meeting him I was single 4 years and although actively dating I just kept meeting losers and time wasters. I know I’m not old but I always imagined I would be settling down and having a first baby before 30 and now it doesn’t look like that will happen. I just don’t know if I can face being single for another 4 years or potentially having more failed relationships before finally settling down. Can anyone give me any success stories of ending relationships around my age then going on to meet the right person and having dc?

I really hope you haven't been used just for him to get on the housing ladder.

Whats going to happen to the house?

There are few things better in life than being 28 and single! Embrace it!

The only “failed” relationship is the one you stay in for too long, each of you becoming more damaged and miserable, because of the sunk costs fallacy. So we’ll done for recognising and acknowledging now that this isn’t the right relationship for you anymore, and being proactive in emotionally moving on.

There’s nothing to be terrified of in being single. You’re 29 and no doubt an entirely different person now to the much younger version of you that you were when you were last single. It’s time to rediscover yourself and start building the kind of life you want. It doesn’t all have to be about a desperate search for the next man to settle down with, and if you try to make it that way you’ll make yourself miserable and also find it much more difficult to attract the type of man you want or make the best choices about relationships.

I know it’s not an exact comparison; but nobody thinks of all the jobs they don’t stay in for life as “failed” - they’re just stepping stones which move you along and get you to where you want to be. When you begin dating again, just because something doesn’t last forever doesn’t mean it’s been a failure - it’s just taught you a bit more about what you like and want and (hopefully) been a lot of fun along the way.

I left my ex-P at 29; relocated back to London from Scotland, took a new job, threw myself into doing all the socialising I could (I did “Year of Yes” for about three years - say yes to any kind of invitation or offer you get, because it will either be a great experience or an interesting story to tell: I had a lot of both!) I made a whole bunch of wonderful new friends and had an absolute ball. I went on a lot of dates which didn’t become relationships; but some did become friendships and I never once had a bad date or met a bad man. I had a casual FWB thing going on for about two years with the man who five years later is now my fiancé; but I’m very glad that I didn’t actively seek him out, and that I had the opportunity to be single and then casual for a few years and wasn’t trying to define myself by who I was to a man or desperately seeking to settle down. At 35 I am absolutely entirely different to the woman I was at 24 when I met my ex-P, and my lifestyle has gone in a completely different direction. I’m glad of what I had with my ex-P, and I’m glad of what the end of the relationship, and being in my own afterwards, gave me the opportunity to achieve.

I wouldn't be worrying about future failed relationships at this point. If you deal with your fear of being alone, then if a future relationship failed, it wouldn't feel so tragic.

I always imagined I would be settling down and having a first baby before 30

You need to let go of the idea that life goes the way we plan. It doesn't for anybody. Those who get the relationship they always dreamed of don't live in the sort of house they wanted. Those in the house of their dreams find that their career isn't on track the way they thought it would be.

Learn to be happy and single. You'll have a happier life, and in the long term, be a better partner and parent. You've got ages.

I have a success story.

Was with ex 24-28, broke up because I was ready for kids and he wasn't sure when or if he'd ever want them. I was gutted as he'd led me to believe for the entire relationship he wanted to have children in his late twenties, and quite scared about starting over at 28 knowing I wanted to have a child.

We split up, I moved to a new city, and downloaded Tinder to meet new people and have fun. Two weeks after my ex and I split up, a week after I moved into my new place, I met up with a guy for coffee.

A year later we moved in together and by our third anniversary we were married and expecting.

It's tough when you feel adrift and like your life hasn't gone the way you wanted or expected it to, but take heart that you're 28 and not 38, you aren't up against it time wise and have the opportunity to take your time, meet someone new, and have a family if that's what you want. I found myself thinking after a string of relationships with guys who weren't into kids that I'd never find anyone who wanted children, that those guys just didn't exist, when in reality I found dating in my late twenties to mean I met loads of guys who actually really did want and were very ready for children. Things can move a bit more quickly when you're a bit older and know what you want.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe fortunately I am in a position where I can afford to buy him out but he wouldn’t be able to afford the same vice versa, also most of the furniture is mine, I haven’t broached it properly yet but I have a stronger case for keeping the house.

I think saying yes to opportunities is definitely something I’m going to do, and date but I’m also in no rush to get with someone immediately either. As I don’t live in a big city the dating pool is smaller. Also my close friends have mostly had children already or in long term relationships. It’s hard not to fear being single again for 4 years and dating more losers, plus the stress of sorting out the house and also we have a dog together who we both adore. I’m also still trying to recover emotionally from the miscarriages and have referred myself to counselling for everything that’s happened.

You’re in a good position with your house, and that’s a huge benefit, not also having to lose your home and security along with your relationship. Counselling is also a good idea to help you process.

Frequently, the ending up dating “losers” is a result of being scared of being single for too long and desperate to be in a relationship: because you want it so badly, you’re more likely to overlook all the very early signs that somebody isn’t a good match and tell yourself you’ll “see how it goes.” Once you become more at ease with being single, you start to make better and clearer choices for yourself and can recognise a non-starter on the first date (or even longer before that.)

Plus give it a few years and a good proportion of your currently married friends will be divorced and in the same position you are now. I don’t mean that in an unkind way, simply that statistically it’s likely to be the case. Don’t compare yourself and your life to them and theirs and find yourself lacking. Things move in swings and roundabouts and as TheFoundations says above, very few people have life pan out exactly the way they were hoping or expecting: and the very best thing you can do is roll with that.

At 33 my 9 year relationship ended mutually, we lived together for 6 months and both hated it.

As cliche as it sounds - find yourself, be happy on your own, that's when you really meet someone who works for you.
I dated around and had some fun but eventually fell in to my own rhythm where by I told myself that if I was to be alone for ever I wasn't unhappy in my own company, ( I even decided that if I ended up alone I'd look at the possibility of having a child on my own) I truly felt that way just before I met my partner on bumble and even though I hate admitting it ( as I feel like I am downplaying my previous really great relationship most of the time!) my current partner is an amazing match for me.
We both met each other at a time we were both happy to keep being single as nobody was bringing anything in to our lives that we didn't already have. We 'enhance' each other, choose to be together rather than feel we need each other. ... took me about 2 1/2 years to get to meet him and some parts of my journey were seriously rough but I got there in the end. Good luck OP. Don't put pressure on yourself for a certain life. Go with the flow ...