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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling confused

20 replies

comebacksun · 10/08/2021 09:27

Hello, I'm totally confused, so hoping I can get some advice to do with my relationship with dh.
There's a long history, so I'll try not to drip feed...
We previously had issues because I was feeling like he only wanted me for one thing and he felt that I was rejecting him. I went to therapy and I came to the conclusion that we have different love languages. We did sort it out but there's been a slight distance ever since. He never tells me he loves me or gives me any compliments anymore.. hasn't for years. I try to be thoughtful and buy him things I think he'd like, I organise things for his birthday, he does nothing special for me ever.

My issue is that deep down I love him, but I'm feeling so down because I don't feel like he actually loves me. The other day he said I've wasted 15 years of his life, so surely his heart isn't in it.
I've tried to tell him how I'm feeling but he shuts down the conversation and tells me I'm being a victim.
He's very good at communicating and I'm terrible at it. I can never get him to understand what I'm trying to say.
I'd love some advice on what to say so that we can have a real conversation about it without seeming like I'm just blaming him.
Thank you!

OP posts:
ErstwhileGoth · 10/08/2021 09:38

He doesn't sound very good at communicating.

Communication involves both listening and talking, and not shutting the other person down. He sounds shit at communicating actually.

He understands perfectly well what you are saying. He just pretends he doesn't to deflect the conversation and have you running down rabbit holes trying to explain yourself in a way he'll undersrand so nothing ever gets addressed or resolved. That's deliberate.

Oh and you haven't wasted 15 years of his life. Presumably, he proposed to you and you haven't kept him locked in the house for 15 years? So it was his choice to stay 🤷🏻‍♀️

comebacksun · 10/08/2021 11:20

Thank you. I agree that's what he does. But I also feel that what's in my head does not come out of my mouth.
How do you reconcile that you still love him with the idea that your head doesn't think it's a good idea to continue?
I just cannot bring myself to say I don't think it's a good idea to continue. Last time I did that, he got so angry like it was news to him, even though he's the one who won't act like he loves me.
It's just so hard..

OP posts:
comebacksun · 10/08/2021 11:27

Also you say it was his choice to stay. I feel like he wants credit for staying when I was/am the worst wife ever.
I've wanted to leave this marriage so many times, but I am so scared. So then I go into denial I think. And my mind goes to the good times and I then feel love for him. I'm all over the place.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/08/2021 11:30

He sounds like a twat tbh. Do you have children with him? Are you working?

comebacksun · 10/08/2021 11:36

Yes we have two children and I'm going back to work in November.
Obviously I've only spoken about his negative characteristics. He's very well liked by his colleagues. Anything I can say to express myself better?

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 10/08/2021 11:46

I don't really understand why you're confused. You don't get anything like what you want out of your relationship, and when you try to express your feelings you get shut down and told you're a victim.

Whatever else he's doing angelically that melts your heart doesn't really have any bearing on the fact that you're upset and he basically wants you to shut up about it.

The question really is why this isn't a dealbreaker for you. You are being roundly emotionally abused. He doesn't give a crap how you feel. What would make you feel justified in leaving?

CarolynPaul · 13/08/2021 04:49

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category12 · 13/08/2021 05:43

As thefoundations says, you're actually being emotionally abused.

There's no magic formula of words that will make him see, because what he's doing works for him and he doesn't want to "understand". He has things just the way he likes them.

The spaghetti head feeling, confusion and unhappiness you feel are the natural responses to be treated like this.

Abusive people often are charming to outsiders.

Even if you're not ready to admit he's emotionally abusive towards you, it's far from normal to feel like you want to end the marriage many times.

Jonjojobs123 · 13/08/2021 07:02

When you try and talk to him about how you feel is it about the negatives and what he does and how he treats you that make you feel upset and unloved, in an attempt to make him change ? I was in this miserable cycle for years and i'd try to say why i was unhappy etc, but all it seemed to do was make him more hard towards me, more detached. I assumed and hoped me telling him would result in him saying 'oh im so sorry i make you feel like that I don't mean it etc, but he'd come back with 'well you do this and that and i have to put up with this and that.....and the cycle would continue.

When we finally reached the end of the road and all seemed lost, he agreed the best thing for us was to separate. It was only then that we had a completely different conversation where he said he couldn't understand why i had stayed for so many years when he knew how unhappy he made me (clearly remembering all the times i'd tried to raise his behaviours that were making me feel unloved/miserable etc in an attempt to make him change towards me) and it dawned on me that all these conversations he had just seen as me telling him all the things i disliked about him and how miserable i was because of him.

I just turned to him and said i've stayed because its always been you that i'd choose but i just wanted you to love me the way you used to. When i've thought of leaving and thought of meeting someone else it always came back to the fact that if i could choose to be happy with anyone i would choose to be happy with you. And i listed all the things that i loved about him that had ultimately made me stay for so long, great father, proud of his achievements, helpful to everyone, lovely to everyone but just not to me. Its like a light had switched. He completely changed, he opened up for the first time properly, we both talked but without resentment without recriminations and 3 years on we are the happiest we've ever been.

WoodenFloors · 13/08/2021 08:24

@comebacksun

Yes we have two children and I'm going back to work in November. Obviously I've only spoken about his negative characteristics. He's very well liked by his colleagues. Anything I can say to express myself better?
I agree that this isn't about you expressing yourself better.

You're expressing yourself well enough he is choosing not to understand.

I was married. We separated 10 years ago. All of the problems in the marriage were caused by me... if only I expressed myself differently. Why hadn't I just said X instead of Y? That would have been different. Everything I said caused an argument. I spent hours painfully trying to expressing myself in the approved language/manner he'd provided for me but still I got it wrong. I spent any more hours frustrated and crying because I still couldn't make him see what I was saying...

Our daughter is now a teenager and only yesterday he and I had a conversation where he was saying exactly the same things to him about her.

"But she isn't going to say the same as you because she's not you," "You sound like you think there was only one way to have that conversation and it's yours. You need to understand that she isn't you so she's not going to say what you said," "But in the past, she's said Y and you told her she should have said X," He's upset because he thinks she doesn't communicate with him much any more and doesn't share things with him. She doesn't because she's sick of it.

He used to do the same with our son and then accused me of poisoning his mind against him. I had to explain the same then too.

But the explanations don't work because he wants everyone to say what will make him feel good about himself; what will make him sound like a good father and, sometimes, most of the time, whatever any of us says to him is wrong.

I thought he was well liked by colleagues. After we split up, I became good friends with a woman who he'd previously worked with, although we didn't know it at the time. When she first realised who my exh was, she told all of his positive qualities at work. How people had liked his sense of humour and how focused and outcome driven he was. He was brilliant.

It was only after she and I knew each other better than she revealed that her colleauges/bosses thought he was the most difficult person they'd ever worked with - only interested in his own ideas; unwilling to take on board other people's greater experience; there was only one way of doing it and it was his...

He was also well liked amongst our mutual friends, until we split up. Some of them are still friends with him but it became very clear to me that they also saw this side to him - it just impacted on them less and, yes, of course he has good qualities - no one is all bad.

Point being that, sometimes people don't reveal what they really think of a person publicly.

And people don't really change.

Oh and he had therapy after we split up and he admitted toe afterwards that he expected the therapist to 'side' with him and tell him what an awful wife I was. Instead, he apologised to me because he was made/able to see what he had been like with me. Yet, it hasn't stopped him from being exactly the same with our children.

Closetbeanmuncher · 13/08/2021 10:17

Obviously I've only spoken about his negative characteristics. He's very well liked by his colleagues

Thays because they don't know him in an intimate capacity.

Everything you're saying reminds me of my dcs dad, the wasted years comment, refusal to even let you express how you're feeling etc.

Your relationship is emotionally abusive and you shouldn't shackle yourself to that for the sake of him getting angry when you end it.

Why settle for this when you could be someone's everything?

comebacksun · 13/08/2021 11:12

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I'm going to re-read all the comments to help me make sense of the situation.
He's been away for the last few days seeing his very ill mum and it's been a good break and allowed me to think.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 16:04

Do you generally feel clearer headed when he's not around, OP?

ChristmasFluff · 13/08/2021 19:40

When someone really loves you, you know. It isn't confusing.

layladomino · 14/08/2021 08:42

You are feeling confused because of him. The fact he's away and your head feels clearer tells you all you need to know. It's HIM that's confusing, not you. Imagine how clear your head would be if you split and he was never around?

You say he's a good communicator. He really isn't. Good communicators start by listening, really listening, to what the other person is saying. Then when they speak they are measured, calm, clear. They don't take over conversations. They don't shout. They acknowledge other peoples' point of view. Does that sound like him?

You have very clear reasons to want to split. His opinion is therefore irrelevant. He can say what he wants but he can't stop you splitting up.

If it helps, make a list of all the ways you are unhappy. All the ways he makes you unhappy. All his bad behaviours. You've made a good start in your op. Do it while he's away, and add to it as you need to. You can always go back to the list when he's making you confused.

You know what you need to do, for your sake and your DC's. I would start by seeking some legal advice on what steps to take. Start making a plan. Forget what he thinks - you would have no doubts if he loved you. He isn't showing any loving feelings - he neither says loving or kind things, nor does he act in a loving way.

And by the way when someone says they love someone 'deep down' - it usually means they aren't very likeable or lovable but there's something there from a long time ago that makes me feel obliged to stick around.

You could be so much happier without him. Please do what's right for you.

GoodnightGrandma · 14/08/2021 08:50

My on,y question would be why you stay with a man who doesn’t love you ?
You’re doing all this talking and agonising over your relationship, but think how much easier it would be without him.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 14/08/2021 09:29

So your DH hasn’t told you he loves you, or given you any compliments for years. He tells you that you have wasted 15 years of his life, he never spoils you on your birthday.
When you try to discuss things with him he shuts you down and pretends that he doesn’t understand what you mean.
Let me assure you, he understands perfectly how you are feeling but really he just doesn’t care enough to change, or at the very least discuss things with you. Agree with pp , unless you shackled him as locked him in the basement you have not wasted 15 years of his life. I see he is not able to take responsibility for his own decisions and actions, far easier to gaslight you into believing everything is your fault.
You say he’s very well liked by his colleagues good for him , it’s a shame he’s an abusive twat at home.
If you had a DD and this was her life, would you be happy for her? Don’t stay with a man who refuses to show you any love or affection, he doesn’t deserve you and you deserve so much more than this

comebacksun · 14/08/2021 12:31

It seems so clear when you all put it like that. Of course it's bad when you have to wonder if your own husband loves you. I know I've been taking the easy route and burying my head in the sand. I cried the other night when a man on tv said that family is everything and he would do anything for his wife and kids. DH does what he wants for himself. I think he would be so much happier without us too.
It's just so daunting and scary thinking about taking that first step.
I am going to try very hard to force myself to get some legal advice.
Thank you very much to everyone who took the time to reply.

OP posts:
Hopingforabagofbuttons · 14/08/2021 17:00

It is scary, bloody scary and when he thinks that you might be contemplating leaving him, he’ll do everything he can to make you doubt yourself( even more than he has been doing) He’ll tell you you can’t cope without him, you won’t be able to afford it, you won’t be able to manage without him. Do not listen to any of it, it’s what he wants you to believe it as it means you will likely stay.
Go get some legal advice in where you stand, you can tell yourself that you don’t need to act on it, just get the information. Knowledge is power , something that up to this point he has had too much of.
Please just go along and see what’s what, you have nothing to lose. Do it for you and your DC, this is an awful way to live.

comebacksun · 14/08/2021 21:30

Thank you. Everything you've all said is correct. It's just when I look at him and think about leaving I feel so sad, it breaks my heart. I know we would both be better off out of this marriage but at the same time it hurts so much. I know I sound mad.
I will force myself to get some legal advice and then try to talk to him again.

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