How can you get counselling for splitting up?

[callingtimethistime]

Looks like DP and I are splitting up.

We're arguing loads and the atmosphere is toxic. we've been sleeping in different rooms for a year and haven't had sex for many more.

Underneath it all we're very fond of each other and are both sad it's worked out like this.

DP finds talking about anything of substance difficult. He's depressed and catastrophises or finds reasons to beat himself up for failing, as he sees it. He's depressed and this colours his thinking.

But we have 2 kids and have lots to sort out.

We're not married, the stuff we needs to sort out is stuff like how we co-parent, logistics and emotional stuff. It's not much to do with finances, so it's not divorce mediation.

I think a counsellor would help, but I'm clueless where to go to find one.

We are both on low incomes.

I'd be grateful for any ideas. Thanks.

Ask your gp
There may be separated parents courses you can do via zoom or in person
Look online in your area for courses for separating parents/parenting apart etc

I've not heard of a course, it was counselling I was after.

What happens on a course?

Relate would be relevant for this. It’s not just to get people back together…

Relate. You could look into doing mediation, it can be used just for parenting and DC logistics. Wouldn't help with the emotional bit. There are some schemes to pay reduced fees.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/mediation-to-help-you-separate/#:~:text=Mediation%20is%20a%20way%20of,before%20going%20to%20a%20solicitor
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/

Institute of family therapy offers online and in person couple and family therapy on a sliding scale

ift.org.uk/therapy-services/

When my partner left I was in bits and my work sent me to see a counsellor for 6 weeks which was part of our health care package at work. It was completely free and I could never have afforded it myself. My boss offered it to me otherwise I would never have known it was available. I worked for a large retailer. Perhaps speak to your HR department to see if your company offers this. It was a life saver for me

www.family-action.org.uk/what-we-do/children-families/spips/#:~:text=Currently%20running%20online%2C%20the%20Separated,of%20conflict%20on%20their%20children.

Ah, they look perfect, but they seem to be only in London (and no zoom option as far as I can see).

[quote LunaAndHerMoonDragons]Relate. You could look into doing mediation, it can be used just for parenting and DC logistics. Wouldn't help with the emotional bit. There are some schemes to pay reduced fees.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/mediation-to-help-you-separate/#:~:text=Mediation%20is%20a%20way%20of,before%20going%20to%20a%20solicitor
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/[/quote]
I'm not really interested in mediation I don't think. We're not disagreeing about access or money - we'll have the DC 50-50 and there's no money to argue over.

It's more just being able to have a functional conversation without it ending up in an argument.

@floppybit

When my partner left I was in bits and my work sent me to see a counsellor for 6 weeks which was part of our health care package at work. It was completely free and I could never have afforded it myself. My boss offered it to me otherwise I would never have known it was available. I worked for a large retailer. Perhaps speak to your HR department to see if your company offers this. It was a life saver for me

Good idea thanks but I work for a tiny business, no HR department.

Relate do relationship counselling that is also for if you are splitting up. They do counselling all across the UK and do online too

I've emailed the IFS to see if they can do online as their approach sounds like what I'm after.

I'm hesitant about Relate, as we did Relate style couples counseling before as it didn't suit us.

Perhaps it was just the counsellor, can anyone advise whether this was typical?

It seemed geared to us finding and agreeing compromise. But our problems stemmed from DP having depression and an explosive temper if challenged when he was already stressed. I was able to not challenge him when stressed about most things, but shouting at the kids was my line in the sand, I can't just stand by and let DP shout at the DC, hence most of our arguments were about him shouting at the DCs.

DP is depressed and has, I suspect, autistic traits, that were meaning he wasn't approaching this rationally when stressed.

The counsellor wanted us to try to reach some kind of compromise but as far as I am concerned there is no compromise when it comes to the DC being treated in a way which is damaging to them. What we needed was therapy that addressed our family dynamic and DP's issues, and helped him talk to me without getting stressed and irrational. This form of compromise based counselling was useless to us.

DP, when not stressed and shouting, is a decent man who wants the best for his DC and wants to get on top of this. He's depressed and not thinking clearly. He won't get help for the depression, and now we're splitting up, I give up trying to encourage him getting that help.

But we really need to be able to have functional conversation about the DC. When we try to do this, the conversation always ends up spiralling down to him talking about how depressed he is, (but he refuses to do anything about it) rather than whatever we started discussing. It's more than I can cope with and I think we need outside help.

Essentially, you want counselling so he can acknowledge and resolve his negative behaviours. Given what you’ve written, there’s nothing to suggest that he wants to. If you still want to go down the counselling route, I would focus on solo counselling for yourself. A safe space to work through your frustration and disappointments of your relationship ending and to learn how to emotionally detach from him. He’s a brick wall and the only thing you get from repeatedly banging your head against a brick wall, is a headache.

Invest your time and energy where it will benefit you and your children the most and sadly, that isn’t trying to get a stubborn and selfish man to be better.

Work out a parenting plan and practice detaching from him.

You tried, it didn’t work out and now you need to focus on healing so that when positive opportunities come your way, you can take advantage of them and not be burdened by the past.

Good luck.

Thanks for the thoughtful post, and I can see from what I've written that I haven't given any indication that DP wants to work together in any way.

But thankfully, we both do have the DC's best interests at heart and we're both motivated by wanting things to be better for them.

When we went to counselling before DP was up for it and did engage with the counsellor. But it wasn't really the right set up for us, it was just focussed on compromise and we needed something different to that.

And yes, when we had couples counseling I did want him to acknowledge and resolve his negative behaviours, that is very astute.

But now I just want to be able to have constructive conversations about how we co-parent.

@callingtimethistime

Ah, they look perfect, but they seem to be only in London (and no zoom option as far as I can see).

IFT offer online therapy over zoom as well as in person in London. Used to be in person only but that changed during the pandemic. Hope you get a good response from them!

Sadly not. I emailed today and they got back to me to say they plan to go back to face to face in October, and also they're booked up till then.

However I followed some links to psychologist s they recommend and found someone who looks great and who does online. No idea how much she charges, bet it's a lot more than IFS but I'll ask and keep my fingers crossed it's affordable.